Muslims In America
Donald Trump, who is running to become our future Archie Bunker and Chief, has proposed
that Muslims in America should carry special identification, that the government should strongly
consider shutting down mosques and ban Muslims from entering this country. And let us pretend
that he is not being hypocritical, again, considering all the Muslims from the Middle East that fly
into the United States to do business with him like Hussain Sajwani,
Khlalaf Al Habtoor, and Prince al-Waleed bin Talal Abdulaziz al Saud. I know with names like
that they could easily be confused with good Irish Catholic gentlemen. There are also his golf
courses, hotels and resorts, and real estate holdings in Muslim countries such as the United Arab
Emirates, Indonesia, Azerbaijan and Indonesia. Hey, Trump is an American and geography is not
our strong suit. So, maybe he thought they were Canadian provinces and is not just playing on
the fears of the rubes.
(I am not being mean. If you the asked the average American where Saskatchewan is I am
pretty sure they would hand you a hankie and say, “God bless you.” Can you find the provinces
(which are kind of like our states) of
Labrador and Andorra in Canada? Okay, Andorra is a country in Europe, but I am guessing most
you did not know that and thought I was trying to fool you with Labrador because that sounds
like a dog. Labrador Retrievers originated in the province of Labrador, which is next to
Newfoundland. I know Newfoundland sounds like a place hobbits should live in Middle Earth,
but it really is a Canadian province.)
There are seven million followers of Islam in America. Most of them love America. An
extremely small percentage of them are terrorists, are sympathetic toward terrorists, or are Dr.
Oz. (Yes, Dr. Oz really is a Muslim and his show truly is a jihad on common sense. As a side
note, if I am in a store and you decide to lecture me about something you learned from Dr. Oz or
the lady with fifteen cats that works at Whole Foods, I am going to hit you upside the head with
a shovel and I will probably get away with it because no one likes you people.) Just like every
white Christian male NRA member should not be lumped in with those sick few that kill doctors
that perform abortions, every cop with the handful of their fellow officers that see an unarmed
African-American as target practice, or every musician with Justin Bieber, most Muslims are
decent people that love their families, that want to be positive influences in their communities
and hate hipsters like any good, red-blooded American.
Twenty-two percent of the world’s population follows Islam and unless we want to be a bunch
of pyromaniacs holding packs of matches in a pool of gasoline, it might not be the smartest idea
not to alienate those 1.8 billion people. A few thousand terrorists and 1.79999 billion people who
are more interested in checking out what is on the television tonight than want to strap a bunch of
dynamite on their backs. It is almost impossible to win hearts and minds of billions when we
have to keep mentioning how evil their religion is and how terrifying they are.
Maybe the best means of assuring victory in the war on terror is to allow young Muslims across
the world to visit America, attend school here. So, they get to know and interact with the average
American and see that we are good people. Okay, maybe not the Americans that have the DVRs
primed for a two-day Duck Dynasty marathon, or those that think Aladdin is an accurate
depiction of Middle Eastern culture. Americans are some of the most kind and generous people
the world has ever produced and, when witnessed up close, it is a beautiful thing. It is easier to
hate a bloviating clown than Aunt Bea bringing a pie by, and I truly believe most Americans
have good hearts.
Plus, how one would get rid of Muslims when they own a good deal of this country? If you
work at an office, your paper supplies probably come from Ampad, a Muslim owned company.
If you love a little premium coffee or tea in the morning, Caribou Coffee Company is there to
meet your needs. Visiting your doctor, Medifax EDI and Smart Document Solutions, LLC are
there to make sure things go smoothly. B.R. Lee Industries, Inc. provides most of the commercial
paving equipment you see. Cirrus Industries, Inc. is the second largest manufacturer of single-
engine aircraft in the world. Lets not forget DVT Corporation, Yakima Products, Inc., and
Transportation Safety Technologies, Inc. Thank god for Slim Jims, Victoria Secret, and Aston
Enterprises, the largest manufacturer of Truck Nutz in the world, or non-Muslim Americans
might not fully own anything in this country.