No More Princess Leia Bikinis For You!     "I remember that iron bikini I wore in "Episode VI": what supermodels will eventually wear in the seventh ring of hell. – Carrie Fisher     When I lived overseas, I used to stop by a huge bookstore to get my baseball fix met. It was the only place in the entire country that sold a newspaper called Baseball Weekly (now Sports Weekly).  The first time I walked into the place I suddenly discovered those magazines that are kept behind the counter or, except for the title, are covered up with black plastic and that you have to be Wilt Chamberlain to reach. Except they were not behind the counter or covered up with black plastic and that any child walking by could see. It was a gynecologist’s paradise. I was so stunned I spent a good hour there. (A joke, people.) I thought, “What about the children? Any little kid walking by could see a cornucopia of cleavage.” It was like a party at the Playboy mansion, except without the pungent odor of middle-aged male desperation and venereal disease.     One little problem, there were a dozen ankle biters walking by and not one of them seemed the least bit interested. It was like they did not even notice the mommy parts visual buffet. To the children mulling around, it was not scandalous, sexual, or even interesting. I was the only one that seemed the least bit bent out of shape. There was a good reason for that, I was the only one bent out of shape.  Much like Harry Potter, Cabbage Patch Dolls, and Beanie Babies, any time I hear someone talk about the children, it is really all about adults. “What am I going to tell my child” usually translates into “I am uncomfortable with this.” For the most part, kids adapt with the times and roll with the punches. It is adults that don’t fare too well.      If there had been Victoria Secret stores in malls when I was in elementary school, you would have needed a squeegee and a crowbar to remove my face from the store window because it was not part of the open culture. Today I doubt there is one single crumb cruncher on a psychiatrist’s couch somewhere trying to deal with the fact that between TGI Fridays and The Gap, he or she saw a mannequin wearing uncomfortable dental floss. If your child does ask about it just say, “Some mommies like walking around with a wedgie all day.”      It appears that some parent or parents have wondered aloud what they are going to tell their child. Disney, which now owns the Star Wars universe, is rumored to no longer sell Princess Leia slave girl merchandise.  If George Lucas was still in charge, well, he would probably CGI a parka onto Leia to end the controversy and charge audiences $54.99 to see it because her wearing a parka was always apart of his original vision.     When Carrie Fisher, the actress who played Leia, was asked about Disney retiring Leia slave girl merchandise, she replied, “I think it’s stupid. The father who flipped out about it, “What am I going to tell my kid about why she’s in that outfit?” Tell them that a giant slug captured me and forced me to wear that stupid outfit, and then I killed him because I didn’t like it. And then I took it off. Backstage.”     A brilliant answer on Ms. Fisher’s part. In America, violently choking someone, especially if they are disgusting looking, with a chain because they made you wear a stupid outfit, is much more child friendly and acceptable than wearing a copper bikini. I am pretty sure Jesus said the same thing in the Sermon on the Mount. If more damage is done to your child seeing Leia’s bellybutton than watching Luke’s hand get cut off or seeing the charcoaled remains of Luke’s uncle and aunt, God bless you, you have a future Republican presidential candidate on your hands.     I personally believe there are a lot more difficult questions that children might ask like, “Why are we not doing anything about global warming?” “Why are we the only country in the world that doesn’t seem to care that innocent people, especially children, are killed in mass shootings every day?” “Why is that police officer shooting that unarmed black gentleman?” “Who thought giving Trevor Noah “The Daily Show” was a good idea?” The thought of sex, or that someone might not have any clothes on beneath their underwear really seems to bother some people.
No More Princess Leia Bikinis For You!     "I remember that iron bikini I wore in "Episode VI": what supermodels will eventually wear in the seventh ring of hell. – Carrie Fisher     When I lived overseas, I used to stop by a huge bookstore to get my baseball fix met. It was the only place in the entire country that sold a newspaper called Baseball Weekly (now Sports Weekly).  The first time I walked into the place I suddenly discovered those magazines that are kept behind the counter or, except for the title, are covered up with black plastic and that you have to be Wilt Chamberlain to reach. Except they were not behind the counter or covered up with black plastic and that any child walking by could see. It was a gynecologist’s paradise. I was so stunned I spent a good hour there. (A joke, people.) I thought, “What about the children? Any little kid walking by could see a cornucopia of cleavage.” It was like a party at the Playboy mansion, except without the pungent odor of middle-aged male desperation and venereal disease.     One little problem, there were a dozen ankle biters walking by and not one of them seemed the least bit interested. It was like they did not even notice the mommy parts visual buffet. To the children mulling around, it was not scandalous, sexual, or even interesting. I was the only one that seemed the least bit bent out of shape. There was a good reason for that, I was the only one bent out of shape.  Much like Harry Potter, Cabbage Patch Dolls, and Beanie Babies, any time I hear someone talk about the children, it is really all about adults. “What am I going to tell my child” usually translates into “I am uncomfortable with this.” For the most part, kids adapt with the times and roll with the punches. It is adults that don’t fare too well.      If there had been Victoria Secret stores in malls when I was in elementary school, you would have needed a squeegee and a crowbar to remove my face from the store window because it was not part of the open culture. Today I doubt there is one single crumb cruncher on a psychiatrist’s couch somewhere trying to deal with the fact that between TGI Fridays and The Gap, he or she saw a mannequin wearing uncomfortable dental floss. If your child does ask about it just say, “Some mommies like walking around with a wedgie all day.”      It appears that some parent or parents have wondered aloud what they are going to tell their child. Disney, which now owns the Star Wars universe, is rumored to no longer sell Princess Leia slave girl merchandise.  If George Lucas was still in charge, well, he would probably CGI a parka onto Leia to end the controversy and charge audiences $54.99 to see it because her wearing a parka was always apart of his original vision.     When Carrie Fisher, the actress who played Leia, was asked about Disney retiring Leia slave girl merchandise, she replied, “I think it’s stupid. The father who flipped out about it, “What am I going to tell my kid about why she’s in that outfit?” Tell them that a giant slug captured me and forced me to wear that stupid outfit, and then I killed him because I didn’t like it. And then I took it off. Backstage.”     A brilliant answer on Ms. Fisher’s part. In America, violently choking someone, especially if they are disgusting looking, with a chain because they made you wear a stupid outfit, is much more child friendly and acceptable than wearing a copper bikini. I am pretty sure Jesus said the same thing in the Sermon on the Mount. If more damage is done to your child seeing Leia’s bellybutton than watching Luke’s hand get cut off or seeing the charcoaled remains of Luke’s uncle and aunt, God bless you, you have a future Republican presidential candidate on your hands.     I personally believe there are a lot more difficult questions that children might ask like, “Why are we not doing anything about global warming?” “Why are we the only country in the world that doesn’t seem to care that innocent people, especially children, are killed in mass shootings every day?” “Why is that police officer shooting that unarmed black gentleman?” “Who thought giving Trevor Noah “The Daily Show” was a good idea?” The thought of sex, or that someone might not have any clothes on beneath their underwear really seems to bother some people.
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