No More Princess Leia Bikinis For You!
"I remember that iron bikini I wore in "Episode VI": what supermodels will eventually wear in
the seventh ring of hell. – Carrie Fisher
When I lived overseas, I used to stop by a huge bookstore to get my baseball fix met. It was the
only place in the entire country that sold a newspaper called Baseball Weekly (now Sports
Weekly). The first time I walked into the place I suddenly discovered those magazines that are
kept behind the counter or, except for the title, are covered up with black plastic and that you
have to be Wilt Chamberlain to reach. Except they were not behind the counter or covered up
with black plastic and that any child walking by could see. It was a gynecologist’s paradise. I
was so stunned I spent a good hour there. (A joke, people.) I thought, “What about the children?
Any little kid walking by could see a cornucopia of cleavage.” It was like a party at the Playboy
mansion, except without the pungent odor of middle-aged male desperation and venereal disease.
One little problem, there were a dozen ankle biters walking by and not one of them seemed the
least bit interested. It was like they did not even notice the mommy parts visual buffet. To the
children mulling around, it was not scandalous, sexual, or even interesting. I was the only one
that seemed the least bit bent out of shape. There was a good reason for that, I was the only one
bent out of shape.
Much like Harry Potter, Cabbage Patch Dolls, and Beanie Babies, any time I hear someone talk
about the children, it is really all about adults. “What am I going to tell my child” usually
translates into “I am uncomfortable with this.” For the most part, kids adapt with the times and
roll with the punches. It is adults that don’t fare too well.
If there had been Victoria Secret stores in malls when I was in elementary school, you would
have needed a squeegee and a crowbar to remove my face from the store window because it was
not part of the open culture. Today I doubt there is one single crumb cruncher on a psychiatrist’s
couch somewhere trying to deal with the fact that between TGI Fridays and The Gap, he or she
saw a mannequin wearing uncomfortable dental floss. If your child does ask about it just say,
“Some mommies like walking around with a wedgie all day.”
It appears that some parent or parents have wondered aloud what they are going to tell their
child. Disney, which now owns the Star Wars universe, is rumored to no longer sell Princess
Leia slave girl merchandise. If George Lucas was still in charge, well, he would probably CGI a
parka onto Leia to end the controversy and charge audiences $54.99 to see it because her
wearing a parka was always apart of his original vision.
When Carrie Fisher, the actress who played Leia, was asked about Disney retiring Leia slave
girl merchandise, she replied, “I think it’s stupid. The father who flipped out about it, “What am
I going to tell my kid about why she’s in that outfit?” Tell them that a giant slug captured me and
forced me to wear that stupid outfit, and then I killed him because I didn’t like it. And then I took
it off. Backstage.”
A brilliant answer on Ms. Fisher’s part. In America, violently choking someone, especially if
they are disgusting looking, with a chain because they made you wear a stupid outfit, is much
more child friendly and acceptable than wearing a copper bikini. I am pretty sure Jesus said the
same thing in the Sermon on the Mount. If more damage is done to your child seeing Leia’s
bellybutton than watching Luke’s hand get cut off or seeing the charcoaled remains of Luke’s
uncle and aunt, God bless you, you have a future Republican presidential candidate on your
I personally believe there are a lot more difficult questions that children might ask like, “Why
are we not doing anything about global warming?” “Why are we the only country in the world
that doesn’t seem to care that innocent people, especially children, are killed in mass shootings
every day?” “Why is that police officer shooting that unarmed black gentleman?” “Who thought
giving Trevor Noah “The Daily Show” was a good idea?” The thought of sex, or that someone
might not have any clothes on beneath their underwear really seems to bother some people.