The Bundys   It seems the far right is having a bit of trouble with their heroes.   Mama Grizzly, the quitter, Sarah Palin, the woman that personified family values, is having problems with her children. There is not a day that goes by where I do not thank God that she did not become vice-president. Because, I have imagined the front lawn of the White House littered with plastic pink flamingos, broken down snowmobiles and half emptied pony kegs under a Palin administration. There was the out of control party at the Palin residence where police were called after a fistfight involving her children broke out. Her daughter, Bristol, who grifted millions of dollars as spokesperson for abstinence found herself with a second bun in the oven and no husband in sight. Don’t tell anyone, but I don’t think she got pregnant from a tractor seat.   Sarah’s poor son, who was given the choice of military or jail, beat up his girlfriend and, according to Sarah, it is Barack Obama’s fault. Even if there was a connection between smacking around one’s girlfriend and post-traumatic stress syndrome, President Obama did not start the Iraqi war and Congress rejected his $30 billion package to help vets returning from the warzone. (Sarah, it might be something called bad parenting. You are a leader of the party of personal responsibility or did you forget?)      Now getting in fistfights, getting knocked up, and beating a woman is probably an average day in an Alaskan hillbilly trailer park, but Sarah Palin topped it all in her endorsement of Donald Trump, which might have been the most incoherent speeche since George W. Bush got hooked on phonics. I sympathized with Trump, a man who knows crazy! He’s done two seasons of The Celebrity Apprentice with Gary Busey. There were moments during her endorsement where Trump was trying to find a rock to crawl under. Those close to her have suggested her Foster Brooks routine was due to her consumption of massive quantities of Red Bull. If true, Red Bull may want to contract her to consume their competitors’ energy drinks.   George Zimmerman, beloved far right spokesman everywhere for killing unarmed black teenagers, turned out to be the young man nobody wants their daughter bringing home, maybe if you are David Duke. One, two, three, four times threatening a wife or girlfriends with guns and wine bottles could happen to anybody. Are you thinking the same thing I am? Zimmerman is the perfect poster child for eHarmony.com!   In between road rage incidents and tweeting images of the dead Trayvon Martin,  George showed his Cary Grant-like chivalry by throwing on-line a little bit of revenge porn and posting the phone number of the young woman who broke up with him because “[s]he cheated on me with a dirty Muslim…  She’ll sleep with anyone.” He also accused her of doing something even worse, stealing one of his guns. (She claims the gun was a gift and that she never cheated on him. What number is the appropriate date to give a young woman a firearm? And is it appropriate to also give her a bra holster at the same time? Where is Miss Manners when I need her?)   (Young ladies, do not send racy photos of yourself to your boyfriend. Never take a photo of yourself that you would not be proud for your grandma to see. She probably will see it on State Snaps in the next two or three weeks if you do.)   What one family is really making the rightwing squirm? No, not the Duggars with their incest or the Robertsons. It is the Cliven Bundy family! Don’t remember Cliven Bundy? He looks like a cowboy from an old black-and-white John Wayne movie. He was a Fox News superstar for a week because he got into an armed standoff with the federal government due to his refusal to pay fees to graze his cattle on public land in Nevada.     With visions of the standoff turning into Obama’s Ruby Ridge or Waco dancing in their heads, Sean Hannity and Fox News saw the Bundys as the perfect example of federal overreach. Then the old man talked about how African-Americans were happier during slavery.  He said, “They put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I've often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn't get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”    Oh, the freedom of slavery and the gentle kiss of the lash.  He assured everyone that he is not a racist and his slavery statements were just a big misunderstanding because "I’ve never had a black person or a brown person ever say anything bad about me." Maybe it is because he usually has a gun in his hands and lives in Whitey McWhite Land. He might get a different response if he left his gun at home and went to Harlem to tell the residents there about the wonderful freedom of slavery. I could get the airplane tickets crowd funded for him in record time!   With those racist words, Hannity and friends began back peddling so fast the Minnesota Vikings signed them as defensive backs! (By the way conservatives, anyone, let me repeat, anyone who does not condemn someone, be they black or white, aiming a high-powered weapon at a law enforcement official is scum! I am talking about Sean Hannity. If a bunch of liberals take over a Whole Foods demanding more kale in the American diet and point weapons at agents of the Bureau of Guns, Tobacco, Fire Arms, and Food That Causes You To Fart A Lot, I will condemn them. It is never acceptable!)   There it would have ended. Fox newscasters running to hide under their mother’s beds and Cliven Bundy a crazy forgotten footnote in American history, but crazy reproduces like rabbits. Cliven has fourteen children and sixty grandchildren, which means Ma Bundy probably has that permanent stunned look of a deer caught in headlights and gun nuts don’t fall far from the gun nut tree.   A couple of his boys, Ammon and Ryan, got in their federally regulated for their safety vehicles, drove on federally built interstates from Idaho to Oregon, ate at restaurants where they did not have to worry about salmonella and other food- borne illness thanks to federal regulations. They took breaks at rest stops where they enjoyed a little fresh air thanks to clean air laws and safe bathroom breaks thanks to laws regarding the care, transportation, treatment and disposal of waste. The local weather was heard on federally licensed radio stations with information from the National Weather Service. They were not hit by an exhausted trucker thanks to federal restrictions on the number of hours that truck drivers can operate their vehicles without resting. They got some cash from an ATM machine attached to their federally guaranteed bank, got gas that did not destroy their engines thanks to federal regulations. They called their father on cell phones regulated by the federal government through companies kept honest thanks to our federal government to visit with their father.  Dad went out to eat thanks to his Social Security check, looked at signs that told them the exact distance to Malheur National Wildlife Refuge thanks to the federal Bureau of Weights and Measures, and then grabbed their guns to take over the refuge’s headquarters to protest the evils of government overreach!   Now this is the best part. They used the Internet, a creation of the federal government, to ask people to send them care packages through the United States mail. Hate to pop this bubble, but I doubt Rambo would beg people for snacks and products that need to be purchased at Bed, Bath, and Beyond to prevent his skin from drying out and getting flaky. They think they are going to stand up to a tyrannical federal government, but cannot do it with chapped hands!   Ammon, a car fleet manager in Idaho, (A job like Clint Eastwood had in his old action flicks), his brother and three others got into a shootout on the way to a community meeting at one of those evil buildings paid for by taxpayers. Bundy was to speak with authorities after an almost month long standoff that cost the government $100,000 a day. Then came a routine traffic stop.    LaVoy Finicum, an Arizona rancher, who was getting a government check for taking care of eleven foster children, was killed after reaching for a handgun in his pocket. Ammon claimed to have between 100 and 150 followers in the headquarters. The number turned out to be a little over a dozen people, with just five remaining inside. Ammon smartly asked his followers to stand down, but his father, Cliven, asked them to stand tough.  Thanks, Dad. I guess the federal government just cannot do anything right.
The Bundys   It seems the far right is having a bit of trouble with their heroes.   Mama Grizzly, the quitter, Sarah Palin, the woman that personified family values, is having problems with her children. There is not a day that goes by where I do not thank God that she did not become vice-president. Because, I have imagined the front lawn of the White House littered with plastic pink flamingos, broken down snowmobiles and half emptied pony kegs under a Palin administration. There was the out of control party at the Palin residence where police were called after a fistfight involving her children broke out. Her daughter, Bristol, who grifted millions of dollars as spokesperson for abstinence found herself with a second bun in the oven and no husband in sight. Don’t tell anyone, but I don’t think she got pregnant from a tractor seat.   Sarah’s poor son, who was given the choice of military or jail, beat up his girlfriend and, according to Sarah, it is Barack Obama’s fault. Even if there was a connection between smacking around one’s girlfriend and post- traumatic stress syndrome, President Obama did not start the Iraqi war and Congress rejected his $30 billion package to help vets returning from the warzone. (Sarah, it might be something called bad parenting. You are a leader of the party of personal responsibility or did you forget?)      Now getting in fistfights, getting knocked up, and beating a woman is probably an average day in an Alaskan hillbilly trailer park, but Sarah Palin topped it all in her endorsement of Donald Trump, which might have been the most incoherent speeche since George W. Bush got hooked on phonics. I sympathized with Trump, a man who knows crazy! He’s done two seasons of The Celebrity Apprentice  with Gary Busey. There were moments during her endorsement where Trump was trying to find a rock to crawl under. Those close to her have suggested her Foster Brooks routine was due to her consumption of massive quantities of Red Bull. If true, Red Bull may want to contract her to consume their competitors’ energy drinks.   George Zimmerman, beloved far right spokesman everywhere for killing unarmed black teenagers, turned out to be the young man nobody wants their daughter bringing home, maybe if you are David Duke. One, two, three, four times threatening a wife or girlfriends with guns and wine bottles could happen to anybody. Are you thinking the same thing I am? Zimmerman is the perfect poster child for eHarmony.com!   In between road rage incidents and tweeting images of the dead Trayvon Martin,  George showed his Cary Grant-like chivalry by throwing on-line a little bit of revenge porn and posting the phone number of the young woman who broke up with him because “[s]he cheated on me with a dirty Muslim…  She’ll sleep with anyone.” He also accused her of doing something even worse, stealing one of his guns. (She claims the gun was a gift and that she never cheated on him. What number is the appropriate date to give a young woman a firearm? And is it appropriate to also give her a bra holster at the same time? Where is Miss Manners when I need her?)   (Young ladies, do not send racy photos of yourself to your boyfriend. Never take a photo of yourself that you would not be proud for your grandma to see. She probably will see it on State Snaps in the next two or three weeks if you do.)   What one family is really making the rightwing squirm? No, not the Duggars with their incest or the Robertsons. It is the Cliven Bundy family! Don’t remember Cliven Bundy? He looks like a cowboy from an old black-and- white John Wayne movie. He was a Fox News superstar for a week because he got into an armed standoff with the federal government due to his refusal to pay fees to graze his cattle on public land in Nevada.     With visions of the standoff turning into Obama’s Ruby Ridge or Waco dancing in their heads, Sean Hannity and Fox News saw the Bundys as the perfect example of federal overreach. Then the old man talked about how African-Americans were happier during slavery.  He said, “They put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I've often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn't get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”    Oh, the freedom of slavery and the gentle kiss of the lash.  He assured everyone that he is not a racist and his slavery statements were just a big misunderstanding because "I’ve never had a black person or a brown person ever say anything bad about me." Maybe it is because he usually has a gun in his hands and lives in Whitey McWhite Land. He might get a different response if he left his gun at home and went to Harlem to tell the residents there about the wonderful freedom of slavery. I could get the airplane tickets crowd funded for him in record time!   With those racist words, Hannity and friends began back peddling so fast the Minnesota Vikings signed them as defensive backs! (By the way conservatives, anyone, let me repeat, anyone who does not condemn someone, be they black or white, aiming a high-powered weapon at a law enforcement official is scum! I am talking about Sean Hannity. If a bunch of liberals take over a Whole Foods demanding more kale in the American diet and point weapons at agents of the Bureau of Guns, Tobacco, Fire Arms, and Food That Causes You To Fart A Lot, I will condemn them. It is never acceptable!)   There it would have ended. Fox newscasters running to hide under their mother’s beds and Cliven Bundy a crazy forgotten footnote in American history, but crazy reproduces like rabbits. Cliven has fourteen children and sixty grandchildren, which means Ma Bundy probably has that permanent stunned look of a deer caught in headlights and gun nuts don’t fall far from the gun nut tree.   A couple of his boys, Ammon and Ryan, got in their federally regulated for their safety vehicles, drove on federally built interstates from Idaho to Oregon, ate at restaurants where they did not have to worry about salmonella and other food-borne illness thanks to federal regulations. They took breaks at rest stops where they enjoyed a little fresh air thanks to clean air laws and safe bathroom breaks thanks to laws regarding the care, transportation, treatment and disposal of waste. The local weather was heard on federally licensed radio stations with information from the National Weather Service. They were not hit by an exhausted trucker thanks to federal restrictions on the number of hours that truck drivers can operate their vehicles without resting. They got some cash from an ATM machine attached to their federally guaranteed bank, got gas that did not destroy their engines thanks to federal regulations. They called their father on cell phones regulated by the federal government through companies kept honest thanks to our federal government to visit with their father.  Dad went out to eat thanks to his Social Security check, looked at signs that told them the exact distance to Malheur National Wildlife Refuge thanks to the federal Bureau of Weights and Measures, and then grabbed their guns to take over the refuge’s headquarters to protest the evils of government overreach!   Now this is the best part. They used the Internet, a creation of the federal government, to ask people to send them care packages through the United States mail. Hate to pop this bubble, but I doubt Rambo would beg people for snacks and products that need to be purchased at Bed, Bath, and Beyond to prevent his skin from drying out and getting flaky. They think they are going to stand up to a tyrannical federal government, but cannot do it with chapped hands!   Ammon, a car fleet manager in Idaho, (A job like Clint Eastwood had in his old action flicks), his brother and three others got into a shootout on the way to a community meeting at one of those evil buildings paid for by taxpayers. Bundy was to speak with authorities after an almost month long standoff that cost the government $100,000 a day. Then came a routine traffic stop.    LaVoy Finicum, an Arizona rancher, who was getting a government check for taking care of eleven foster children, was killed after reaching for a handgun in his pocket. Ammon claimed to have between 100 and 150 followers in the headquarters. The number turned out to be a little over a dozen people, with just five remaining inside. Ammon smartly asked his followers to stand down, but his father, Cliven, asked them to stand tough.  Thanks, Dad. I guess the federal government just cannot do anything right.