Cruz, Christianity and Other Politicians
Except for the Donald Trump phenomenon, few things shock me when it comes to
politics. I must admit a part of me still expects at his next campaign event, Trump
will remove his orangutan hair and peel off his bronzer to show the world that he is
really Andy Kaufman, alive and well, the whole time and it was all one big joke.
Still, I was caught flat-footed and flabbergasted to read news reports that Ted Cruz
is alleged to have had at least five mistresses. To me, this was like someone telling
me that Mr. Rogers was a sniper in Vietnam and drank victory toasts from the skulls
of his slain enemies. It just does not seem credible. I had trouble believing he had
one wife, let alone five other women who looked at him and thought, “There is my
big, old mountain of man joy. I cannot wait to get him up to the hotel room and
pretend that I am a Muslim terrorist and he is patrolling my neighborhood.”
I never looked at Ted Cruz and thought “sexy time.” Bill Clinton, yeah. He always
had enough honey in his voice and enough neediness from his white trash, alcoholic,
abusive childhood that, had he not been president, he would be cruising the singles
bars with the Czech brothers, Yortuk and Georg Festrunk, as three wild and crazy
guys. Ted Kennedy, of course. He was the only person who could have somehow
sexually harassed a woman while being locked in solitary confinement. John
Edwards? In a heartbeat. He is the pretty boy everyone grew up with that you
secretly hated because all the girls loved him for being so precious looking. In turn
he has all the depth of a footbath for birds. Good rule of thumb in life, if your wife is
battling cancer don’t go out two-stepping with a pretty blonde. That kind of thing
only works for Newt Gingrich.
Ted Cruz? Not so much. One mistress, stranger things have happened. I am sure
there is at least one woman out there that longs for Ted Cruz to lean over and
whisper in her ear the sexiest thing he could think of, which for Ted is probably how
when he becomes president he is going to shut down every Planned Parenthood
clinic across this land and she just melts into a puddle. But five?
I have always just seen him as the contemporary Richard Nixon, a mad monk, more
comfortable contemplating how the fates are conspiring against him on Bebe
Rebozo’s yacht than talking to a living, breathing woman. I’m not saying he is
asexual. It would not surprise me that when he dies his children would come across
something in personal affects that they would have to pour a gallon of gasoline over
and burn in the backyard in the middle of the night because it was so disturbing.
You don’t grow up with an authoritarian, fundamentalist father like he did and not
have a few sexual hang-ups.
It is just that not since Nixon have I seen a public figure more uncomfortable in his
own skin. Even when he was supposedly defending his wife against Donald Trump it
did not feel authentic. As he poked his finger at the camera and menacingly told The
Donald to leave his wife alone, you felt like you were watching George McFly stand
up to Biff Tannen, except Ted is not as good an actor as Crispin Glover and it looks
like he had rehearsed it in the mirror fifty times. Cruz’s body language is always
very stilted and painful to watch. In turn, I was pretty sure that last time anyone
saw him naked was when the Canadian doctor swatted him on the butt to get him to
cry and there is a good possibility Ted still holds a grudge over it. Five mistresses,
possibly more, means you have to have some kind of patter. Other than kicking
single mothers off the welfare rolls, I cannot imagine him being passionate about
anything involving women. Maybe Henry Kissinger is right, “Power is the ultimate
I knew that an Ashley Madison account had been traced to his congressional office,
but always figured it was just one of his staff members. I also knew that the Cruzes
were a power couple that had spent several years apart, him in Texas, her on the
east coast, to further their careers. Still, Cruz is kind of like your pastor. You see the
children running around the parsonage, but you’re pretty sure no one enjoyed it.
Men that are driven towards trying to achieve the highest office in the land also
often have other psychological needs that they use women to fill. Clinton, Johnson,
Johnson, Roosevelt, the history of the Oval Office is often that of whose bed are the
president’s shoes under. I also know that many political marriages are more about
power than love and private understandings are reached. When Gerald and Betty
Ford entered the White House, the staff was truly perplexed about how to handle a
president and his wife that wanted to sleep in the same bedroom. For the most part,
I also can care less who is sleeping with whom. Life is not a farcical British bedroom
comedy. Most of the time it seems none of my business.
Again, only time will tell what Ted Cruz did or did not do. What I find interesting is
family values Christian voters have divided their vote between Cruz and three-time
married Donald “No One Loves The Bible More Than I Do” Trump who has proudly
bragged his affairs with married women and his own adultery. In the Art of the Deal,
the second best book ever written next to the Bible, the Donald bragged about his
affairs with married women and has glibly talked about his own cheating on shows
such as Howard Stern like he is a champion stud that just won the Triple Crown.
To tell you the truth, to me, whom you are knocking boots with is such a small part
of Christianity. Our politicians have become like the Pharisees in the market place
loudly proclaiming their faith. The problem with that is when you ask a politician
what they believe they are going to lie right to your face because it is the easiest lie
they are going to tell all day. They will choose Barabbas over Jesus and Joseph every
time because it gets them reelected. When politicians use your church or praise your
God, it cheapens your faith, tarnishes it slightly. You get the embarrassing moments
of Bill Clinton after he got caught with his hand in Monica’s cookie jar carrying
around a Bible big enough to club a seal with, family values governors being led
away in handcuffs, finding their names on prostitute’s johns lists or hiking the
Appalachia Trail, and corruption that is mind blowing. You get George W. Bush
calling Christian fundamentalists, his own voters, “wackos” behind their backs. You
get John McCain having to back peddle from the endorsement of Rev. John Hagee.
You get the flip-flopping and scrubbing of their web pages on whether Mormonism
is a cult by ministers when Mitt Romney ran. You get Ted Cruz’s dirty tricks in Iowa,
George W. Bush’s campaign smearing McCain’s adopted daughter in South Carolina.
You get supposedly God-fearing men talking about the size of their junk on stage at a
debate. You get Donald Trump claiming with a straight face that no one loves the
Bible more than him, not the Pope, not the martyrs, not your pastor, not your
I am not saying you should not factor a person’s values into your vote. My great-
grandpa was a horse trader, and he said never buy a horse without looking at its
teeth. What I mean by this is never take a person’s word for anything. If you want a
Christian candidate or one that holds your values, it means you are going to have to
do a little research because politicians, for the most part, are just Hollywood actors
with cheaper sets. Does he or she care about the poor, the weak, and the outcast?
Are they humble? Are they kind and gentle to those around them when the camera
is not rolling? Do they live simply? Do they turn the other cheek? Would Jesus
recognize them as a follower?
I know a lot of people that claim to be Christians, sometimes extremely loudly, but I
am pretty sure I could get most of them off in a court of law. Ted Cruz says he
doesn’t want a candidate that wears their religion on his (or her) sleeve. I’ve never
been concerned about the sleeve, but rather one’s heart. I know some of you are
going to be angry about me saying this but watch how the Republican candidates
have conducted themselves on the campaign trail. They have acted a lot of ways but
Christian is not one of them.
Next week, the Democrats!