While campaigning for the presidency, Donald Trump promised the American
people that he had a secret health care plan. It would cover everyone! It would be
“great health care for a fraction of the price and would take place immediately after
we go in,”! I am pretty sure everyone, upon leaving their doctor’s office, would get a
cute puppy and a pony that farts rainbows. Trumpcare or Ryancare appears to be
dead “because nobody knew that health care could be so complicated.” Who could
not trust an obese octogenarian with bad hair plugs with a personal physician who
resembled the Big Lebowski when it comes to health care?
Don’t worry Obamacare haters, Trump’s Health and Human Services Secretary
Tom Price, who is in charge of the Affordable Care Act, is going to starve that harlot
until she resembles Twiggy on a two week water fast. All the major insurance
companies have gotten that signal. So, it is on the path to fall apart faster than a Tom
Cruise Scientologist marriage.
If this were the Academy Awards, this is where Warren Beatty would go on stage to
announce that a mistake has been made and flash the card stating that the real
winner is “Single Payer.”
Is it me, or does it seem that every time Donald Trump opens his mouth about
Obamacare he seems to be channeling Dustin Hoffman from Rain Man. “Obamacare,
bad, repeal, replace with something great, yeah, something great. Obamacare, sad.
Cover everyone, yeah.”
The last seven years have been a very cynical time in politics. National Republicans
chose what was good for their party over country. Obamacare was a conservative
version of the Republican alternative to Hillarycare in the 1990s. It would go on to
be known as Romneycare, after Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who saw the
plan as his path to the White House, during the George W. Bush administration. It
was seen as the conservative market based solution to rising health care costs and
the massive number of uninsured in this country. Let me repeat, it was a Republican
Then something awful happened, something so horrifying I can barely type the
words. A black Democratic President said, “Lets try it.” This is where it gets cynical,
so cynical it angers me. Instead of proclaiming victory, a conservative approach to a
major problem facing this nation was going to be attempted. It was run for the hills,
the sky is falling. They treated their idea like it was a bastard child conceived in a
night of huffing spray paint in a dumpster behind a Kentucky Fried Chicken. They
sent their creepy, crawly minions on Fox News and hate radio to terrify good people.
Instead of working to make it better with their colleagues across the aisle, like what
has occurred with almost every other major piece of social legislation, they voted to
repeal it and slammed it every chance they got, even though they did not have a
better alternative. And the American people rewarded this child-like, cynical
behavior. Sorry, the swamp is not just in Washington.
I am a proponent of the single payer system, I lived in Australia and think their
public/private insurance system is a marvelous model, but I am also a realist. Given
the financial interests involved, to get to a single payer system for everybody, things
would have to get so painful that it would truly be a crisis that could topple the
entire nation. That would mean millions of middle class white people, because, let’s
be honest, no one cares about poor or brown people, dying needlessly, until the
driveways into cemeteries resembled Interstate 405 in Los Angeles.
Donald Trump and Paul Ryan worked hard to make America into a Morlock/Eloi
society, excuse me, to make America great again. Ryancare, seemed to be written by
a Dr. No villain on an Ayn Rand/meth bender, and is dead. Obamacare will wither
away like a woman’s self-respect at a wet t-shirt contest. So, I am dusting off a truly
conservative health care proposal I made several years ago.
Let’s get corporations involved. They are always looking for new ways to advertise
and capture eyeballs. DVRs have killed television commercials. Nobody reads
newspapers anymore. (Except for the Toons! Grand Poobah, millionaire playboy,
and publisher, Richard Lem, wants every potential advertiser to know we have the
public’s attention. Thousands look forward to gazing at his Toons every week. At
least until he finds a faster boat. (Really an unlimited class jet-powered hydroplane,
but he likes to be seen as one of the common people.) Then, he will probably
vaporize himself in a 300 mph crash, and no more Toons. People tune out pop-up
ads on the Internet. Why not take care of two problems at once? Let companies and
corporations use poor people and those without insurance as advertising.
Got an STD and cannot afford that penicillin shot? Meet Craig, he will be the tattoo
artist who will be tattooing the Trojan logo on your forehead.
Overweight, ugly, and battling Type-2 diabetes? You’re still going to be the hit of
the bar scene, especially when some young man is going to be trying to take you
home at 2 a.m., in your “Everything looks better after 6 or 7 Bud Lights” t-shirt.
Find yourself pregnant? Cannot afford to have that sixth child, and afford the
luxury of living in your trailer park? Meet your newest baby boy, Mountain Dew
Lem. Granted, there might be some issues when he is a teenager and the
catchphrase “Do the Dew” takes on a whole new meaning, but he will be a credit to
his corporate overlords, especially when he is running away, shirtless, from the
police on the television show Cops.
Hemorrhoids? A simple legal agreement to tell all your friends about the wonderful
divorce services of the law firm of Andrews, Andrews, and Andrews, because
Preparation H is not the only thing that can remove unwanted pains in your
backside, would take care of that.
Hemorrhoids that might need a little surgery? After a few months, you would get
used to humming the Roto-Rooter theme song everywhere you go.
Constipated and need some medical assistance? Being a walking billboard for
Universal Studios’ Fast and Furious movie franchise would not be too bad.
Woman problems? Hey, this is a conservative answer to health care. Those aren’t
Married and need that little blue pill? The lady in your life will love your shorts
informing her that Hasbro still makes Jack-in-the-Boxes.
Awful gas? It would not be too bad too bad walking around for a few days with a
sandwich board advertising Tesla’s electric cars.
Depression? These new DNA services that inform you of your genetic ancestry
would love to fly a banner in front of your house, proclaiming, “Depressed? You
might just be Norwegian. Find out for sure at Ancestry.com.”
Multiple personality disorder? I am sure the GOP would pay you having a bumper
sticker on your car proclaiming, “I have multiple personality disorder and all of
them voted for Trump! He is right.”
Schizophrenia issues? A nice paint job on your car announcing, “Come to
Applebee’s, where you never eat alone, even if it seems like it!” would be in order.
Breast enhancement? Okay, those pay for themselves, but you get my drift.
I can laugh and I can joke, but health care is serious business. It is life or death to
tell you the truth. Maybe our politicians need to really understand that.