Teacher’s Got A Gun At some point in the not too distant future, I fully expect humanity to become technically advanced enough for us to be able to implant miniature guns into women’s wombs. And given how gun nutty and crazy our country is, I fully expect someone to suggest arming fetuses, especially if they are twins because the only thing protecting us from a bad fetus with a gun is a good fetus with a gun.  I expect news conferences. I expect talking heads solemnly taking the proposal seriously on whatever television has become at that point. I expect President Kardashian or whatever individual has climbed to the highest office in the land by being kicked in the head by a mule to garner votes from it. I expect state legislatures to pass resolutions. I expect pregnant women’s bellies to start exploding in shopping malls, churches, and courthouses across the fruited plain. I then fully expect someone to say the only way we are going to stop these mad dog fetuses with guns is to arm zygotes, eggs, and sperm cells. Why? Because this is The United State, the land where even the stupidest idea can bloom like a beautiful rose. Arming America’s teachers is a colossally, amazingly earthshaking dumb idea. I admit I am already concerned for this country Clem Kadiddlehopper is upset because he thinks his Second Amendment rights are being violated because Chuck E. Cheese won’t let him carry a pig iron on his hip because it might accidentally fall into the ball pit.  If you have ever been around a bunch of screaming five-year-olds for more than an hour, you realize that an armed Chuck E. Cheese would make the Cambodian Khmer Rouge killing fields look like a day trip to Disneyland. Unless they are going to televise it for my entertainment, I don’t want to see guns in courthouses, at children’s sporting events, or in elevators where Captain & Tennille’s Muskrat Love or Starland Vocal Band’s Afternoon Delight are being piped in either. Divorce and the realization that you better hope the elastic holds up on your underwear because you are going to be sending every spare penny you got to your ex-wife for the next fifteen years as she slowly turns the children against you tends to not make men the most rational creatures in such situations. Of course, I am probably wrong about children’s sporting events. It is not like I personally have ever seen a parent scream at a coach about how their child who just tripped over the bats on his way to the drinking fountain should be starting at third base. (I have said it before in this column, from first hand knowledge, I can truly say hell on earth is attending a party comprised of soccer parents and people working in the mortgage industry. I still wake up from time-to-time in a cold sweat with Vietnam War-like flashbacks.) Blaming gun free zones for increased violence or believing that such places should become armed madhouses is blaming the dry part of the handkerchief for getting snot on it after you have blown your nose and stuffed it in your pocket. It is not Chicago, some mall, or the local school that is the problem, it is the amazingly poor gun laws in the states surrounding them that are the snot. The solution is not to blow your nose in the handkerchief until you cannot pull it apart anymore. I have a lot of respect for Second Amendment advocates as long as they are intellectually honest. Guns are fun, guns are cool, guns give you a feeling of power and safety, and it might even be the case that if we skip over that little comma in The Bill of Rights that it is your right to have a firearm, but just admit guns in the hands of idiots kill people. Arguing that somehow you and a nation filled with Earls and Billy Bobs eating Tide pods having semi-automatic assault rifles makes things safer is claiming pouring more gasoline in a puddle is going to prevent pyromania. Just admit guns kill people. Not everyone is a good guy all the time. Sometimes good people are drunk, sometimes they are screwed up, sometimes they are irrational, sometimes they are depressed, sometimes they are angry, sometimes they are mentally ill, sometimes they are abusive, and that is the price of being human. It is not the stranger that is the problem. It is the father, husband, son, or kid down the street. I personally know only one kid that was in a school where a shooting occurred, but I know at least a dozen women, probably a lot more, who have been threatened with a gun in a dark moment in their marriage by their otherwise law-abiding husband. You might be right in your reading of that ancient document and it is probably already too late, the horse is already out of the barn, but just admit it is a right with extremely, deadly consequences. So, stop it. Stop the malarkey about how if guns were taken away people would still kill people with knives and rocks. That might be true, but after hitting three or four people in the head with a large stone, a person gets a little tired. Guns make killing a a lot easier.   Stop the “shootings are government red flag operations” talk. Just because some guy puts a video on YouTube where you don’t see a muzzle flash or some white, brown-haired woman looks similar to another white, brown-haired woman who lost a child doesn’t mean a conspiracy is afoot. You are not Sherlock Holmes, Ellery Queen, or Adrian Monk.  Life is sloppy. Things don’t always add up. People make mistakes and perceive things wrong. Memories change, sometimes in mere seconds. If you have to pause to examine the menu at KFC before ordering, they have chicken, that is all, you certainly are not going to figure out the conspiracy of the century. Stop the “I need a gun to protect myself from the government” crap. Red Dawn was just a movie. Ninety-nine percent of us are in the fetal position if we cannot find a plug-in for our cell phone charger let alone if a tank filled with husky marines pulls in our driveway. We are probably less than a generation away from nanotechnology and designer viruses coded to an individual’s or group’s DNA that can be sprayed over large areas being a part of warfare. I don’t think Comrade Sam is going to fear Ol’ Betsy when you are clutching your chest because a microorganism that has floated into the room has induced a heart attack. So, just stop it. Don’t be a nut. Just be honest. Donald Trump and Secretary of Education Becky DeVos want teachers to carry guns in the classroom.  I am not going to get into how teachers already have a job that takes most of their attention. It is called teaching. How worrying about a pistol on top of that might take away from that task. I am not going to list the incidents of teachers who have had firearms accidently go off in the classroom, a few of which have just occurred in the last few weeks.   Nor am I going to dwell on the human psyche and the fight or flight instinct in all of us. Although Donald Trump believes that now that his bone spurs that kept him from being drafted and going to Vietnam have magically healed, he would run into a school and rip an assailant apart with his bare hands, that is not the way our brains work. (Why do I think dumb Donald would make it about twenty feet before he would tear a hamstring and have to take a breather for about twenty minutes because he is so obese?) While we would all like to think we would be John Wayne in an emergency, it is not reality. In the real world, the Duke was a pansy who stayed in Hollywood while others fought World War II. Killing someone is a lot harder than one would think, especially when you have to look that person in the eyes. Most people freeze. The vast majority of us are not natural born killers, even when we need to be. Guns, just like television cameras in the courtroom, change things. Unlike most people, I don’t know what happened almost six years ago when George Zimmerman killed Trayvon Martin in that Florida backyard, but I do know that the presence of a gun altered the events of that night. If Zimmerman had not had a gun, he never would have followed that scared youth into the darkness. He would have acted differently. Both of them would have gone home that night. Similarly, a firearm alters the exchange of ideas, hampers the educational process. Knowledge of the presence of a weapon changes student/teacher interaction. It cannot help but do that. The teacher is going to act differently and so is the student to the determent of the student. I went to a great school, one of the best in the state. I was lucky. Yet, I also know that I had at least three of my teachers, probably more, engage in sexually inappropriate conduct with students. One even went to jail for it. Things are better today. The system has changed and parents and administrations are much better at recognizing and dealing with such situations. Still, I figure there is at least one teacher who crosses a line they shouldn’t in every school. How do these teachers still get away with it? Often with threats and intimidation, sometimes directed at parents or siblings. Threats become much more real with a gun present. Children are going to be less likely to speak out in such situations. How many lives will be shattered with the silent pat of a Smith and Wesson? Are a thousand, ten thousand, or a hundred thousand extra molestations worth the price of arming schoolteachers? I don’t know and I don’t want to find out.  Allowing guns into classrooms is not a zero sum game. I hope that is something we can all agree on, but I doubt it.
Teacher’s Got A Gun At some point in the not too distant future, I fully expect humanity to become technically advanced enough for us to be able to implant miniature guns into women’s wombs. And given how gun nutty and crazy our country is, I fully expect someone to suggest arming fetuses, especially if they are twins because the only thing protecting us from a bad fetus with a gun is a good fetus with a gun.  I expect news conferences. I expect talking heads solemnly taking the proposal seriously on whatever television has become at that point. I expect President Kardashian or whatever individual has climbed to the highest office in the land by being kicked in the head by a mule to garner votes from it. I expect state legislatures to pass resolutions. I expect pregnant women’s bellies to start exploding in shopping malls, churches, and courthouses across the fruited plain. I then fully expect someone to say the only way we are going to stop these mad dog fetuses with guns is to arm zygotes, eggs, and sperm cells. Why? Because this is The United State, the land where even the stupidest idea can bloom like a beautiful rose. Arming America’s teachers is a colossally, amazingly earthshaking dumb idea. I admit I am already concerned for this country Clem Kadiddlehopper is upset because he thinks his Second Amendment rights are being violated because Chuck E. Cheese won’t let him carry a pig iron on his hip because it might accidentally fall into the ball pit.  If you have ever been around a bunch of screaming five-year-olds for more than an hour, you realize that an armed Chuck E. Cheese would make the Cambodian Khmer Rouge killing fields look like a day trip to Disneyland. Unless they are going to televise it for my entertainment, I don’t want to see guns in courthouses, at children’s sporting events, or in elevators where Captain & Tennille’s Muskrat Love or Starland Vocal Band’s Afternoon Delight are being piped in either. Divorce and the realization that you better hope the elastic holds up on your underwear because you are going to be sending every spare penny you got to your ex-wife for the next fifteen years as she slowly turns the children against you tends to not make men the most rational creatures in such situations. Of course, I am probably wrong about children’s sporting events. It is not like I personally have ever seen a parent scream at a coach about how their child who just tripped over the bats on his way to the drinking fountain should be starting at third base. (I have said it before in this column, from first hand knowledge, I can truly say hell on earth is attending a party comprised of soccer parents and people working in the mortgage industry. I still wake up from time-to-time in a cold sweat with Vietnam War-like flashbacks.) Blaming gun free zones for increased violence or believing that such places should become armed madhouses is blaming the dry part of the handkerchief for getting snot on it after you have blown your nose and stuffed it in your pocket. It is not Chicago, some mall, or the local school that is the problem, it is the amazingly poor gun laws in the states surrounding them that are the snot. The solution is not to blow your nose in the handkerchief until you cannot pull it apart anymore. I have a lot of respect for Second Amendment advocates as long as they are intellectually honest. Guns are fun, guns are cool, guns give you a feeling of power and safety, and it might even be the case that if we skip over that little comma in The Bill of Rights that it is your right to have a firearm, but just admit guns in the hands of idiots kill people. Arguing that somehow you and a nation filled with Earls and Billy Bobs eating Tide pods having semi-automatic assault rifles makes things safer is claiming pouring more gasoline in a puddle is going to prevent pyromania. Just admit guns kill people. Not everyone is a good guy all the time. Sometimes good people are drunk, sometimes they are screwed up, sometimes they are irrational, sometimes they are depressed, sometimes they are angry, sometimes they are mentally ill, sometimes they are abusive, and that is the price of being human. It is not the stranger that is the problem. It is the father, husband, son, or kid down the street. I personally know only one kid that was in a school where a shooting occurred, but I know at least a dozen women, probably a lot more, who have been threatened with a gun in a dark moment in their marriage by their otherwise law-abiding husband. You might be right in your reading of that ancient document and it is probably already too late, the horse is already out of the barn, but just admit it is a right with extremely, deadly consequences. So, stop it. Stop the malarkey about how if guns were taken away people would still kill people with knives and rocks. That might be true, but after hitting three or four people in the head with a large stone, a person gets a little tired. Guns make killing a a lot easier.   Stop the “shootings are government red flag operations” talk. Just because some guy puts a video on YouTube where you don’t see a muzzle flash or some white, brown-haired woman looks similar to another white, brown-haired woman who lost a child doesn’t mean a conspiracy is afoot. You are not Sherlock Holmes, Ellery Queen, or Adrian Monk.  Life is sloppy. Things don’t always add up. People make mistakes and perceive things wrong. Memories change, sometimes in mere seconds. If you have to pause to examine the menu at KFC before ordering, they have chicken, that is all, you certainly are not going to figure out the conspiracy of the century. Stop the “I need a gun to protect myself from the government” crap. Red Dawn was just a movie. Ninety-nine percent of us are in the fetal position if we cannot find a plug-in for our cell phone charger let alone if a tank filled with husky marines pulls in our driveway. We are probably less than a generation away from nanotechnology and designer viruses coded to an individual’s or group’s DNA that can be sprayed over large areas being a part of warfare. I don’t think Comrade Sam is going to fear Ol’ Betsy when you are clutching your chest because a microorganism that has floated into the room has induced a heart attack. So, just stop it. Don’t be a nut. Just be honest. Donald Trump and Secretary of Education Becky DeVos want teachers to carry guns in the classroom.  I am not going to get into how teachers already have a job that takes most of their attention. It is called teaching. How worrying about a pistol on top of that might take away from that task. I am not going to list the incidents of teachers who have had firearms accidently go off in the classroom, a few of which have just occurred in the last few weeks.   Nor am I going to dwell on the human psyche and the fight or flight instinct in all of us. Although Donald Trump believes that now that his bone spurs that kept him from being drafted and going to Vietnam have magically healed, he would run into a school and rip an assailant apart with his bare hands, that is not the way our brains work. (Why do I think dumb Donald would make it about twenty feet before he would tear a hamstring and have to take a breather for about twenty minutes because he is so obese?) While we would all like to think we would be John Wayne in an emergency, it is not reality. In the real world, the Duke was a pansy who stayed in Hollywood while others fought World War II. Killing someone is a lot harder than one would think, especially when you have to look that person in the eyes. Most people freeze. The vast majority of us are not natural born killers, even when we need to be. Guns, just like television cameras in the courtroom, change things. Unlike most people, I don’t know what happened almost six years ago when George Zimmerman killed Trayvon Martin in that Florida backyard, but I do know that the presence of a gun altered the events of that night. If Zimmerman had not had a gun, he never would have followed that scared youth into the darkness. He would have acted differently. Both of them would have gone home that night. Similarly, a firearm alters the exchange of ideas, hampers the educational process. Knowledge of the presence of a weapon changes student/teacher interaction. It cannot help but do that. The teacher is going to act differently and so is the student to the determent of the student. I went to a great school, one of the best in the state. I was lucky. Yet, I also know that I had at least three of my teachers, probably more, engage in sexually inappropriate conduct with students. One even went to jail for it. Things are better today. The system has changed and parents and administrations are much better at recognizing and dealing with such situations. Still, I figure there is at least one teacher who crosses a line they shouldn’t in every school. How do these teachers still get away with it? Often with threats and intimidation, sometimes directed at parents or siblings. Threats become much more real with a gun present. Children are going to be less likely to speak out in such situations. How many lives will be shattered with the silent pat of a Smith and Wesson? Are a thousand, ten thousand, or a hundred thousand extra molestations worth the price of arming schoolteachers? I don’t know and I don’t want to find out.  Allowing guns into classrooms is not a zero sum game. I hope that is something we can all agree on, but I doubt it.