George, Maybe Guns Are Not Your Best
Preface: I have been banned from writing on the gun control issue, even though I am a
common sense moderate. It is surprising how fearful the people around you get when people
claiming the right to use firearms responsibly are threatening to kill you with one of said
So, put your crayons away. I am not going to write on the historic fact that Jesus and the
early Christian Church were pacifists or the wacky notion that mothers might not like the
notion of complete strangers walking around Chuck E. Cheese with guns strapped on them.
This column is just about one man’s common sense. Okay, those other columns were about
common sense as well. So, please don’t shoot me. Please. Remember, if guns are outlawed,
only outlaws will have guns. Okay, that is not true and really stupid.
Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Ugh… Why do these slogans seem to be written by a
third grader huffing paint fumes… I mean, a beautiful mind? Just don’t shoot me.
Poor George. One day he is minding his own business, playing cowboy, chasing some poor,
scared unarmed black kid into someone else’s backyard, ignoring the police dispatcher who
told him not to. The kid was wearing a hoodie and armed with a bottle of Snapple tea and
Skittles after all.
His gun goes off. The unarmed kid is dead. The police see no reason to charge poor George
with anything. He was just defending his neighborhood against Snapple Tea. Then the
liberal news media got involved.
Okay, that is not true. The news media at first ignored the story. It was upset parents and
friends, through African-American radio stations, that kept the story alive until reporters
finally realized that there might be a story.
But let’s pretend that was not the case. I don’t want to take away anything from the rage-
filled rants of my “non-racist” white friends that believe the liberal media was just creating
a story to cause tension, instead of focusing on the deaths of white kids like they should.
Poor George. My “non-racist” white friends tell me that Barack Obama was to blame for it
all. Maybe they were right. America was one big, old puppy hug of racial tolerance and love
before he took office.
Obama said if he had a teenage son he would look like the dead, Snapple-carrying, tall,
lean teenager. I don’t know why a tall, lean African-American, I mean Kenyan, president,
married to a tall, lean African-American wife would say such a thing. Doesn’t he know that
all our presidents had white babies until he came along?
(Except for Thomas Jefferson. He had black children. That is if you believe that whole
science thing. Still, that was back in the good, old days when a person could own their
Now, I thought the president was just stating the obvious, comforting an upset segment of
our society, hearing their voices, and understanding their concerns. My “non-racist” white
friends assure me that he was just being a troublemaker. Some of “my non-racist” white
friends then went out and ordered targets with a darkened figure in a hoodie on them to
practice shoot at.
Poor George. Framed by a president. A right wing hero. A big, old teddy bear, his family
and friends insisted. Never has such a peace-loving man walked the earth. The kind of man
you want to have a gun in his hands. Well, a big, old teddy bear that has gone through an
anger management course, after being belligerent towards cops, and has had a restraining
order filed against him by an ex-fiancée a few years earlier.
A rageaholic, with guns, playing cowboy. Just “run of the mill” stuff as the judge at his trial
said. Yep, Obama was to blame. Who could have possibly have guessed that the right wing’s
new hero and cuddle-toy, George Zimmerman, could possibly get in trouble again after
shooting a Snapple tea-toting teenager? Well, an ADD addled three-year-old high on pixie
sticks, Red Bull, and Mountain Dew could have figured that out, but this is America. We
aspire to the wisdom of a three-year-old high on pixie sticks, Red Bull and Mountain Dew at
By 2013, his wife had left him and poor George was on hard times. Surprisingly, shooting
an unarmed black teenager did not move his resume to the top of the pile with the local
police. (I am guessing he was unwilling to move to Ferguson.) Like any red-blooded he-
man, he turned for support and comfort to his best friends: his guns. His estranged wife
called the police, claiming he was threatening her and her father with a gun.
Two months later, his new girlfriend called the police stating that poor George had
pointed a shotgun at her after she told him to leave and began breaking some of her
possessions. Barricading himself inside the apartment with the shotgun, he still managed to
get himself arrested.
Like his wife before her, his girlfriend declined to press charges. She even asked that the
restraining order against him be lifted. Why should the courts stand between two love-
crazed kids? What’s a little old shotgun pointed at the head of a woman when it comes to
I believe that is going to be a plot point in the next Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan romantic
comedy. If he tried to choke her to death afterwards, the Dallas Cowboys would probably
have tried to sign him.
I have been told that the only thing protecting us from a bad guy with a gun is a good guy
with a gun. My question is, when does a person start making that slide from good guy to
bad guy? My vote is when you chase a scared kid into a backyard, but that’s just me.
Certainly, three separate women expressing fear of your arsenal and you is right up there.
At least he learned his lesson when it comes to women. The next time the police were
summoned to one of his domestic violence disputes, he had merely chucked a wine bottle
at his girlfriend’s head. Now, I am not trying to be judgmental, but kind of like the women
that dated O.J. Simpson after Nicole Brown Simpson’s murder, what kind of mental
gymnastics does a woman have to do to go on an EHarmony date with George Zimmerman?
“He’s just misunderstood. He just needs the love of a good woman to reform him and keep
his pistols well oiled and clean.” Now, if a normal person somehow dodges a criminal
record a half-dozen times, they might learn a thing or two. Not George. In 2014, he got into
a road rage incident. Seems he threatened to kill another driver, before heading for the hills
when the individual called 9-1-1.
Now, one would think that his friends (if any) might hold an intervention at this point.
“Now George, guns and rage are not your friends. You need to take time and smell the
roses. I know they don’t smell like gunpowder, but they smell nice all the same.” Well, poor
George got into another road rage incident. This time the other guy shot at him. The bullet
missed his head and shattered his windshield.
I am sure Obama is to blame for all this. I just don’t know how, yet. Where is Fox News and
my “non-racist” white friends when I need them?