Dennis Hastert: Uncle Creepy And His Pals Go
The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog. – Mark Twain
While it will probably be wrapped in a plain, brown wrapper, with a bar of soap and scrub
brush attached to it, some historian at some point is going to write a blow-by -blow, with
no double entendre meant, account of the impeachment of President William Jefferson
Clinton, the scandal that delighted late night comedians and made fifth grade boys across
For those of you too young to remember the affair, in 1995, while the Republicans had
shut down the government, a slightly chubby 22-year-old intern with an overbite named
Monica Lewinsk,y walked into the Oval Office carrying a pizza and wearing a thong.
Our 49-year-old president, ever the gentleman, got up to thank that young woman for
bringing him a pizza, somehow misplaced his pants, slipped on the carpet and fell on top of
the clothed Ms. Lewinsky.
For Monica, it was love at first rug burn. For President Clinton, well, it was a young chick
bringing him a pizza and a chance to get a letter finally printed in Penthouse. In other
words, a two-fer.
Somehow it was all mean old Hillary’s fault. I don’t remember her being in the Oval Office
when Monica was acting like a cigar humidor for her husband, but in between lesbian
poetry readings and burning the American flag get-togethers, Republicans assure me, she
must have been responsible for her husband’s unfaithfulness.
The government got back to work, Monica’s internship ended, and Bill had his friend,
Vernon Jordan, get her a job elsewhere in government to keep her quiet. There it would
have ended, Monica heartbroken, and Bill having to have some elderly White House butler
bring him his pizza, except for three little things.
Monica made a friend at her new job named Linda Tripp, who was 24-years her senior.
Now Tripp, who looked like Jerry Lewis in drag in a dated gender bending comedy, comes
off creepier than Rush Limbaugh in a Speedo because what sane middle aged person in the
world wants to hear a 22-year-old’s drama without glazing over. Linda began to secretly
video tape her phone calls with Monica who told Witch Hazel that Bill Clinton was her big
old éclair of love.
Monica also never bothered to dry clean the dress she was wearing when she hailed the
commander-in-chief. I don’t know why. Some people collect spoons. Others, matchbooks.
Maybe Monica wanted to collect presidential DNA.
A young Arkansas woman named Paula Jones wanted to clear her good name after a
conservative magazine printed a story about our president’s wandering ways that did not
mention her name. So, she decided to sue President Bubba for sexual harassment. After the
scandal was over, she was able to clear her good name by posing nude for Penthouse to
prove to America that she was not “trailer-park trash.”
Jones’s attorneys subpoenaed our dog in heat president and went on a little fishing trip
asking him about his relationship with Monica. He denied having sexual relations with Ms.
Lewinsky, which under strict Arkansas hillbilly logic, he did not.
At the same time, special prosecutor Kenneth Starr was looking into the Whitewater
scandal. Only in America can someone have a scandal by losing thousands of dollars in a
bad land investment. Unable to find anything, Starr discovered the Tripp recordings, the
crusty dress, and our president’s fib about his relationship with Monica.
Armed with the best piece of erotica since Fanny Hill, The Starr Report, the Republicans
decided they were going to do some impeaching.
One little problem on the way to the forum, the Republicans in the House and Senate went
on to make President John Holmes look like a chastity belt salesman.
There was Senator Strom “segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever,
except in his bedroom” Thurmond. The Senator, when he was a young lawyer, had a love
child with his father’s 16-year-old black maid, Carrie Bulter. His daughter was kept hidden
from the public until after his death. Granted that sexual misadventure was back in the time
when dinosaurs roamed the earth, but it is still pedophilia, hypocritical, and icky.
There was the homosexual hating Senator Larry Craig of Idaho that later got arrested in a
Minneapolis airport restroom for trying to solicit gay sex. The police officer that arrested
him claimed Craig gave the secret signals that he was willing to engage in such conduct.
Craig, who pled guilty, claimed he just had a wide stance.
Every straight man in America wanted to know what these secret signals were so they did
not eat a bowl of chili and accidently find themselves engaged to a guy named Trevor.
Running around the congress were Mark Sanford and Mark Foley. Sanford made hiking
the Appalachian Trail famous when he disappeared for four days while Governor of South
Carolina, but instead was hiking a divorced mother named Maria Belen Chapur down in
Foley, a big proponent of teenage sexual abstinence, except if the teenagers in question
were male pages working for the US Congress. Then it was nude back massages and
snapping towels for everyone.
Leading the House charge to impeach the president was Bob Livingston, Henry Hyde,
Newt Gingrich, and Dennis Hastert.
Livingston, Speaker-elect, was the first Republican caught with his hand in the cookie jar
when Hustler publisher Larry Flynt, outed him for extramarital affairs that he had.
Livingston threw himself on his sword, a very luxurious sword. He resigned from Congress,
founding a lobbyist firm called the Livingston Group that allowed him to roll in Scrooge
McDuck piles of money.
Henry Hyde, who managed the Clinton impeachment, had a lengthy affair all his own. He
had a four-year relationship with a married mother of three children, which ultimately
fractured her family. His cheating was different than Clinton’s because his was a “youthful
indiscretion.” He was in his 40s.
Newt Gingrich, the man who served his first wife divorce papers while she was in the
hospital stricken with cancer, was cheating on his second wife while impeaching the
president for the same thing. The only difference seems to be that Bill Clinton seemed to
have more respect for Monica than Newt did with his women.
Now a person would think I was detailing a rock-n-roll band’s tour not a bunch of pudgy
middle-aged politicians representing family values. Instead of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll, it
was sex, drugs and deficit reduction. It could not get any slimier, could it?
Yep, Come on down, former Speaker of the House, Illinois’s own, Dennis Hastert. Yep,
Hastert engaged in conduct that would make Mick Jagger and Keith Richards shake their
heads. Even “Papa” John Phillips would do a double take.
While it is not one of the Ten Commandments, “Thou shall not touch the children” really
should be. The former Congressman defended America against adult homosexuals being in
a loving relationship while dipping his beak in the sapling pool. While a teacher and
wrestling coach at the Yorkville Community Unit School District, he had relationships with
at least three different boys.
I guess nothing is sexier than a cub scout uniform or more romantic than the smell of
wrestling mat disinfectant for Hastert. I will not go into detail with what Hastert did,
mainly, because it makes me throw up a little in my mouth.
The 73-year-old Hastert might have gotten away with his crimes without the larger world
finding out, except he did the one thing you do not do, the thing that got Martha Stewart in
trouble, he lied to the FBI.
Like Livingston before him, Hastert has made millions as a lobbyist since leaving Congress.
At some point before 2010, he agreed to pay $3.25 million to one of his victims. Trying to
evade banking laws established to prevent money laundering and other illegal activity that
forced banks to report any withdrawals over $10,000 to the government, Hastert had
quietly removed funds until the federal government started an investigation in 2013.
When questioned about his conduct, the former Congressman lied. Unable to get him for
having sex with a minor because the statute of limitations had expired, investigators nailed
him for his banking activity.
Mark Twain was right. The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog. This is
especially true of politicians.