Sleeping Dogs Lie

Melinda Page Hamilton, Bryce Johnson
 

I love art and have several paintings on the walls of the bridge that I live under.  For Christmas, I asked my mother to get me a particularly bright and colorful painting.  It will provide me hours of entertainment because I will hang it where any guest I have can see it; just praying that someone asks me who painted it.  I will remark that the artist was a major Hollywood celebrity in the 1930s and 40s and can even be found listed in the Guinness Book of World Records. This African born actor did 12 films with Olympic champion Johnny Weismuller.  Their first film together made over $40 million at the box office, an unheard of amount for the time.  On the Internet there are numerous photos of him in the arms of Maureen O’Sullivan.  Some are quite scandalous because it is clear that he is naked and the relationship must have ended badly because her daughter, Mia Farrow, claims that her mother always referred to him as that “son-of-a-bitch.”  He was a staple on early television and ended his career with a bang, starring with Rex Harrison in one of the biggest movie hits of 1967.  With almost no fanfare he quietly retired to Palm Springs where he spent his days watching his old movies with his grandson Jiggs (you know those Hollywood types with the weird names for their children), taking long walks, and painting.  In the last few years, this icon, for health reasons, has had to give up his beloved cigars and beer. His artworks have been shown in the National Museum in London, in several galleries across this country, and hangs in the homes of some the biggest stars in Hollywood. He is Cheeta the Chimpanzee.  The monkey in Dr. Dootlittle and the old Tarzan films, the oldest living primate ever, and the spokes model for a Brazilian candy, Bala Chita. (As a side note, in defense of Cheeta, it is not clear whether Maureen’s hatred was directed at Cheeta or his predecessor in the first two films, Jiggs, who went by Cheeta on-screen. In order to establish dominance when Weismuller and Jiggs first met, the Olympic champion took out his knife and tapped the ape on his head with the hilt. The two bonded and Jiggs became very territorial about Weismuller, biting anyone who came close to his onscreen buddy.  The main focus of the chimp’s wrath was Maureen who was terrified whenever she was around the primate. Still, all male chimpanzees tend to be a little randy with females (even humans). So, perhaps Maureen also had a hatred for a sexually harassing Cheeta, if he engaged in such things.)  I want the painting because art should never be something that I or even a monkey can do by accident.

Even though I think that Bobcat Goldthwait is hilarious, a monkey could have made this film.  Since I saw this thing in January, it has been penciled in as maybe the worst movie of the year. It is a one-joke movie.  Granted, the last film he directed, Shakes the Clown, was also a one joke movie but watching a bunch of clowns curse, do blow, drink, have sex, and fight mimes never gets old.  This film gets old very quickly. It is a funny premise at 2 a.m. after you have drunk a case of beer or inhaled some silly smoke. Is honesty always the best policy, or do you hide as much as you can as long as you can?  It is easy to say tell the truth, but sometimes it might be better to take a flyer on the truth especially if it involves something disturbing and twisted or hurtful.

This movie, even though it is an independent film, cost millions of dollars to make.  That means pitch meetings to balding money-men in three-piece suits. I can imagine Bobcat and his agent sitting in some bigwig’s office. The number cruncher looks up from his papers. “Mr. Goldthwait, what can I do for you?”

“Call me Bobcat,” replies the comedian.

“Umh... Bobcat.  Wasn’t there a Bobcat that poured lighter fluid all over the couch at The Tonight Show and set it on fire right in front of Jay Leno?” 

“That’s me.”

“You got arrested for that.”

“Yeah.”

“I also remember a Bobcat that Sam Kinison tried to beat up for stealing his act.”

“Me too.”

“So, what can I do for you?”

“I want to make a film out of a script that I have written. It is a romantic comedy.”

“One of those Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan type of things? They are always money in the bank. Go on. Maybe we could get Reese Witherspoon. She is so cute.”

“I, I don’t think she would want to do this. The character whose name is Amy is about to marry the only man she has ever been with.”

“Good, good, virginity is in.”

“Kind of.  Anyhow, she has got a dark sexual secret.”

“I thought you said that her future husband is the only man she has ever been with. It is not a Bill Clinton type of thing is it, because that is sex?”

“No, no. When she was 19, in college, reading a book, she was pretty bored, well, she engages in (mumbling).”

“The Beastie Boys. The band from the 1990s? I love it.  I had all their CDs.”

“No. She did a (mumble).”

“Dogstar?  Keanu Reeves’ band.  Love it.  Average guy fights Hollywood star for heart of a woman.  We could have a big fight at the end between Keanu and the boy like in Bridget Jones’ Dairy.”

“NO, she has sex with... let me whisper it in your ear.”

“Oh?  How do you market that?  I mean I once saw a movie with Linda Lovelace that involved that, but this supposed to be funny, not creepy? I guess that rules out marketing to middle aged women.  There is the Howard Stern crowd, I guess, especially if we can get some right-winger like Sean Hannity or Glenn Beck to rage about liberal Hollywood doing it again.  Maybe get a few groups to protest. That is always money in the bank. Let’s do it.”

 Melinda Page Hamilton, who previously has only garnered bit parts on television shows like Desperate  Housewives and Everwood, is hoping that this is her big break.  It is a pretty big gamble, Russian roulette. As much as making it to the next level is important as an actress, you don’t want this scarlet letter around your neck.  There is a reason that no major or even minor actor can be found in this thing. The only actor people will recognize is comedian Brian Posehn, the big gooney-looking guy from Just Shoot Me, who probably took the minor role as a favor to Bobcat and realizes that his brand of dark humor will not be affected by being associated with this project. 

I think I have a pretty good track record on what it funny, celebrating films like The Aristocrats, F*ck, Wedding Crashers, Napoleon Dynamite, and The 40 Year Old Virgin long before other critics discovered them.  I mention this because there is a laughter that comes from thinking you are getting away with something, that you are laughing at some humor the snobs of society thinks is crude.  Whether you like this movie or not depends on how funny you think the setup of the movie is.  Like Shakes the Clown, I am sure this movie will bomb at the box office, causing Bobcat to slink back to his job directing the unfunny Jimmy Kimmel Show, but will become a cult film just because of the subject matter. Still, I truly believe that a monkey could have made this movie. 

Verdict: Bad, Bad Bad Dog Movie