Back my popular demand, the Soderstrum Institute is proud to continue its work of translating the Bible to help conservatives, so they don’t have to twist the scriptures like a pretzel to justify their stances. The New Ten Commandments brought to you by Gary Bauer for President in 2008. “For we need a man with Christian values in the White House, and this time he swears he won’t have half of his staff resign due to his ‘inappropriate relationship’ with his blonde 26-year-old deputy campaign manager. She is now in her 30s.”
The New Ten Commandments
I am the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, not the land of Iran which you should carpet-bomb at will, the land of Egypt.
1. You shall have no other gods besides Me, except your favorite sports team, the Super Bowl, mega-church pastors, and especially the Republican Party. Believe everything the President tells you.
2. You shall not make for yourself a craven image, except these 10 Commandments. Make sure they are posted in every courthouse, because I want my holy word associated with places where politicians hang out, divorces are filed, and where wealth influences decisions.
3. You shall not use my name in vain, except when you are trying to justify some political stand, then sprinkle it around like grass seed.
4. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. Okay, okay, maybe I should have scrapped this one. We didn’t have malls back then.
5. Honor your father and your mother. Sidenote: I only want this text to be used as a whip for small children, and should in no way be used by some liberal to talk about how society needs to take care of older generations. Pay no attention to the success of social security. Government programs never work.
6. You shall not kill, unless they are a dirty brown people. Unleash the thunder on them. Invade their countries.
7. You shall not commit adultery. I meant to say be a homosexual, because I would never want to cast a stone at people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Newt Gingrich, Randall Terry, Gary Bauer, Jeb Bush, and George Will. Also I came up with this commandment so good Christian men like Rush Limbaugh couldn’t get Viagra.
8. You shall not steal unless you are a CEO, a corporation with a government contract, or you know that some country has a ton of oil.
9. You shall not bear false witness, unless you are a Republican administration, then lie, lie, lie, lie, and when you catch your breath, lie some more. Lying to keep people scared and yourself in power is a good thing. Also you can lie when trying to sneak Me into the science classroom or when you talk about the faith of the founder of your country.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house, etc. Okay, okay, it was getting late when I wrote this one and I didn’t mean to in any way to be critical of capitalism, because coveting crap is what life is all about.
Having sat in the pews for years, I must admit that there are certain aspects of the Christian right that alarms me. For me, a contemporary human being who uses a cell phone, drives an automobile, and takes advantage of our medical technology, who claims that he or she does not believe in evolution is like a man eating a hamburger who claims that he does not believe in cows. In their focus on the family, they have elected men whose economic policies are destroying those very same units. In their zeal for the last days, these good stewards have helped speed up the hourglass with their environmental stances and trying to push the Prince of Peace at the point of a gun. They push a culture of life but would rather have young women die of cervical cancer than support much needed vaccinations because it might lead to increased teenage intercourse, they fight to maintain the life of a brain dead white woman while not caring about the thousands in New Orleans, and show more concern for frozen cells that are going to be disposed of rather than living, breathing human beings who are suffering from crippling diseases. The right wants to take America back for Jesus. Although none of them can tell me when was the mythical time that Jesus had the pink slip on this country. Was it when we owned black people or maybe Jim Crow South? Or maybe when we were slaughtering and taking the land of innocent Native Americans and Mexicans?
Still, nothing will make a viewer more uncomfortable about the Rapture right than watching the documentary Jesus Camp by Rachel Grady and Heidi Ewing. The documentary follows three little kids to Becky Fischer’s “Kids on Fire” summer camp in Devil’s Lake, North Dakota. When I went to bible camp, we did dorky things like canoe and hike. This camp is about preparing warriors for the Lord. The rotund, middle-aged Fisher, an Evangelical Christian pastor, believes that her camp is part of a training ground to “take America back for Christ.” Many of these 6 to 12-year-olds are home schooled as their parents are concerned about worldly contamination. For sensitive viewers, similar to the clips of JonBenet Ramsey participating in her beauty pageants, some of the scenes are disturbing including watching these children participate in an anti-abortion revival meeting complete with plastic fetuses, speak in tongues, sob uncontrollably, bless a cardboard cut of President Bush, pray for supreme court justice appointments, break china with the word “government” written on them, and play Christian combat video games. Before this camp is dismissed as an aberration, a small coven of wack-jobs, the big event in the camp is the worship service led by Ted Haggard, president of the National Association of Evangelists, who purports to represent 30 million people and claims to talk with President Bush every Monday. Haggard feels it is appropriate to make homosexual jokes and talk about the evils of gay marriage with children before stirring these kids up with threats of hell and calls for repentance. Much like the South Park cartoon children who curse but have no clue what the words mean, the kids who attend the camp are just parroting the words they have heard without fully understanding them. One ten-year-old little girl tells the camera that she loves to dance but has to remind herself that she dances for God not for "for the flesh." A little boy relates to the camera that he accepted Jesus as his savior at five because “he wanted something more from his life.”
Watching the documentary, I realized one thing was missing. It is love, the lens through which the bible should be read. The same thing that is often missing from the far right’s agenda. If a person asked Pastor Becky if she loved these children, she would say yes, but is it loving to burden a child with adult things? What does a baby have to do with issues like the supreme court, homosexuality, global warming, abortion or being warriors for God? Why weigh down a little girl with fears of hell because she loves to dance? Let her dance. Let the kids play and be kids until they are cognitively ready to understand these issues.
I know, I know that there are a lot of Christians reading this who are foaming at the mouth. Still, humor me. Do something really wacky. Go home tonight. Read the Gospel of Matthew. It does not take very long. Tomorrow night read Mark, then the next night Luke and on the fourth night, John. Don’t disrespect the text by taking a verse here and a verse there. Just take it all in. Now ask yourself with an open mind, would Jesus agree with any of the stands of the Christian right? Would He approve of a nation where the rich are getting richer and the poor, poorer? Would He be sending boys, children, into a needless war? Would He deny a child health care and the other rights that come from parents being married just because their mommy and daddy happen to be gay? Would He support the lying and fear mongering of Bush, Rush, and the boys? Would He approve of our treating the environment like a piece of toilet paper? Would He demonize poor Mexicans or would he support a livable wage? He once said, “a tree is known by its fruits.” What strange fruits will be hanging from the popular trees of this generation of Christians?
Verdict: A Scary Documentary