April’s Shower

Maria Cina, Honey Labrador, Trish Doolan

You know, I was sitting in the theater the other day watching a movie that involved homosexuality.  Even though I have gone more than 3 decades of my life without a gay thought crossing my mind, as I watched the same sex couple, it suddenly dawned on me, maybe.  Women under the age of 25 are pretty boring, having no life experience.  Most single women over that age are nuts and so negative that they make Simon Cowell look like Mary Poppins.  My best friendships have been with guys.  I could talk about sports all the time, and more importantly, not have to talk at all.  No eye twitching insane-o conversations.  No having to communicate feelings I don’t have or listen for 30 minutes about butter bells or how she found the perfect pair of shoes in some little shop on main street. No having to hold purses in public and the words “Dr. Phil says” would never appear in your speak patterns. Unframed sports posters could nailed to the wall with pride, beds could remain unmade, and toilets will not have to don fuzzy covers over the lid and bowl.  No bad body images, “Do I look fat in these pants,” or waking up in a cold sweat because you know what time of the month it is. No having your head taken off when you say, “Let’s be logical here.”  No having everything you have ever done wrong brought up when you are arguing about some minor issue.  Amazingly, you talk about the minor issue and only the minor issue.  You can turn on the television and not have to search for ESPN.  No begging or pleading because no guy has ever had a headache.  The best looking babes want to hang around with you.  No love/hate relationship with mothers.  Every guy loves their mommy.  They just don’t want to be around them.  A lifetime of season tickets of your favorite sports team, Sundays and Mondays reserved for football, and March for NCAA basketball. No biological clock going tick, tick, tick. No bras drying in the laundry room. No female problems. No Meg Ryan movies, English dramas, or television shows with the titles like Judging Amy. Someone to go to the gym with.  I get to wear great clothes, can dance in public without embarrassing myself, have every straight guy envy the freedom I have.  It is the perfect life.  Why is everything I said above a lie?   Umh, because I am not gay. 

I am sure that I angered some people with what I wrote above because I am just trying to figure out what is so threatening to males about watching movies that have gay male characters in them.  Ninety-nine, point nine, nine, nine, nine percent of guys over a certain age know whether they are gay or not.  They might hide it from the world, but they know. Let’s be clear here, it is male homosexuals that cause straight men the problem because if only males wrote and read dictionaries, you would get the following entry for lesbian.  LESBIANS. def. 1. Creatures without whom Howard Stern would still be working at some backwater 10 watt radio station. 2. Staple of most premium cable channels after dark. 3. Male fantasy, having girlfriend whom he has no plans of marrying  to ask if her college roommate could stay over for the evening. 4. Hell, yeah!!!

If all homosexuals were hot lesbians, the subject matter would be as controversial as a Highway to Heaven marathon.  It is the truth.  Any doubts that I had about this were quickly disappeared when I got home from a preview of this film.  On the phone was an old friend of mine, who has a wife and 3 children, is extremely active in his church, and votes Republican out of concern for family values.  He asked me what movie I just watched.  I replied, “It was the story of a homosexual…” I didn’t even have the chance to get the sentence out of my mouth before he was moaning and groaning like he had just eaten a hamburger someone had just dropped in a pigpen.  He started complaining how it seems that every new movie coming out of Hollywood has two gay guys and it makes his skin crawl.  I remarked, “No, it was a film about a couple of lesbians.”  There was silence on the other end of the phone, and then my friend quietly said so his wife could not hear, “What were they wearing and did they show any skin.”  Male homosexuality has men to cover their eyes, but the residents of the Isle of Lesbos cause men to cock their heads like my dog when I cook a juicy steak.  (I know that a number of conservative women are jumping up and down proclaiming how they don’t like either, but hey, you were against the ERA amendment and are always proclaiming how your husband makes all the important decisions because he is head of the family, and there is nothing more important than watching cute lesbians.  Your husband would tell you that if you let him open his mouth.  Life is a penis party and in your world perspective, you are a second class citizen.) In all seriousness, men and the male psyche dominates the discussion and understanding of homosexuality in our culture.  Madonna can kiss Britney and record sales skyrocket, but if a male signer did that to another male signer, stick a fork in their careers. 

The best way to describe April’s Shower a typical Julia Roberts/Reese Witherspoon film, but with lesbians.  It often seems that about half of all romantic comedies centers on wedding and April’s Shower is no different.  Alex (Trish Doolan), a chef, as the maid of honor, is holding a wedding shower for her best friend April (Maria Cina).  In attendance is April’s mother, her future mother-in-law, her future sister-in-law, lots and lots of screwed up women, and the token gay dude.  Oh yeah, I forgot one thing.  Alex and April were lovers. You know that can of worms is going to pop open at some point and all hell is going to break out.  Let the games begin.  To the disappointment of my Christian friend, there are no flashbacks.  This is not a male fantasy, but rather a lightweight chick flick with women in the Tom Hanks’ role.  As with most of these romantic comedies, you pretty much know where it is going after the first ten minutes and can slip out for popcorn, or even a nap, and return for the last reel without missing anything important.  There are hundreds of these puff pieces pumped out every year and this is really in the middle of the road of said genre.  If this was a straight romantic comedy, critics would hate it and it would make around $60 to $80 million. Instead it will only have a limited run before disappearing to dvd, never to be seen in a Walmart near you. 

    As a child, I probably watched a thousand Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny, Road Runner cartoons and never thought about sticking a keg of dynamite in somebody’s mouth.  So, I am just trying to figure out what is so threatening about movies with homosexual characters.  Maybe you have the answer, I sure don’t.

Verdict: A C Level Lesbian Sitcom