The Pink Panther

Steve Martin, Kevin Kline, Beyoncé Knowles

Jackie Gleason was and will always be Ralph Kramden. No matter who they cast in the remake scheduled in a few years, Clint Eastwood is Inspector 'Dirty' Harry Callahan. Arnold Schwarzenegger defined the Terminator.  Anthony Perkins owned the role of Norman Bates. Could it get more perfect than Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump?   It does not happen very often, where an actor and the role he or she is paired up where you as an audience member cannot image anyone else playing the role. As great as Christopher Reeve was as Superman, or Sean Connery was a James Bond, over time, other people have taken over the roles and you can generally except them as the character, but cue the Henry Mancini music.  There is one, only one, Inspector Jacques Clouseau, and he is Peter Sellers.  The Pink Panther franchise is one of the most successful in the history of cinema.  Since 1963, there have been nine Pink Panther movies (now ten), with Sellers playing the title role in six of them.  Can’t remember the other four? Who recalls Alan Arkin (Catch-22, Popi, The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter) in 1968 when Sellers felt playing the French inspector three times was enough?  Arkin was at the height of his popularity, and well, it was as painful watching Arkin bumble though this movie as watching Bill Clinton standing outside a Hooters restaurant and not being able to find the door.  It was so bad that it took almost a quarter a century for the studio to admit that it is part of The Pink Panther franchise.  How about 1983’s Curse of the Pink Panther, released three years after Sellers’ death, with David Niven (Paper Tiger, My Man Godfrey, The Bishop’s Wife) in the lead searching for a vanished Clouseau?  This film is equally hard to watch when one realizes that Niven himself was so close to death that celebrity impersonator Rich Little had to dub his lines.  The movie was intended to hand the reigns of the franchise over to Robert Wagner (Hart to Hart, Midway, Austin Powers) as the equally bumbling George Litton.  The big secret at the end of the movie is that Roger Moore (James Bond) was really Clouseau.  Another attempt was made in 1993, this time the studio made sure they got a comedian to play the part, someone who is brilliant at slapstick comedy.  Enter international star Roberto Benigni (Pinocchio, Life is Beautiful) as Jacques Clouseau Jr. Can’t miss? Failed worse than wet t-shirt night at the local nunnery.  More than a decade later, it’s time to reload and try again.  Chris Tucker, Kevin Spacey and Mike Myers were all considered for the lead, before the role went to Steve Martin.  Forty years later, can the Jerk put on the trench coat and hat of the world’s greatest detective?

The answer is no, no he can’t, no one can.  I’m not saying this film will not be a financial success, and there are bound to be a couple of sequels.  There will be. People love Steve Martin, no matter how awful a film he might star in, (Planes, Trains, & Automobiles, Cheaper By the Dozen, Parenthood) and the Pink Panther franchise.  A low-rent Martin comedy always packs audiences in because people want to get away from the pressures of daily life and laugh.  That being said, this film is not a worthy successor to Sellers’ inspector. The best way to be able to tell if you are going to like this film is if you like the films of director Shawn Levy.  If you think the height of hilarity are Cheaper by the Dozen, Just Married, and Big Fat Liar, then this movie is for you. Martin had some serious reservations about taking on the role, but changed his mind after he was presented with 17.5 million reasons.  This is the former stand-up’s biggest payday, by at least $7 million, which means the 60-year-old is going to smile like a Cheshire cat while every critic in America hammers away at him.  The biggest problem that audiences are going to have, besides the awful script, is that Martin sounds funny as he tries to channels Sellers’ accent in a wind tunnel. Maybe they will get Rich Little to dub the DVD?  There are several funny moments in the film, and you can see all of them in the trailer if you want to save yourself $5 or $10 bucks.  Also, the politically correct bandwagon has driven through this film and there is no manservant, Kato. He has been replaced by a French servant (Jean Reno) that unknown to Clouseau is assigned to make sure he does not screw up. 

This film is supposedly a prequel to the 1964 film, although Sellers was five years younger when he died in 1980 than Martin is currently, but never mind, it is a prequel. Kevin Kline has taken over the role of the harried Dreyfuss.  The movie opens with the murder of an infamous soccer coach (Jason Statham in a role originally offered to David Beckham), who happens to be wearing the Pink Panther diamond in a ring, which has vanished in the commission of the crime.  Enter Jacques Clouseau and let the slapstick begin.

    The movie was supposed to have been released last fall but, after disappointing screenings, was held off until February when movies that are poorer in quality are slipped into theaters because most eyes are focused on the Oscars.  A few extra ticket will get sold to unsuspecting patrons and the film will not get the critical pig pile that often greets awful cinema.  By the end of the year, it is basically forgotten, dodging the bullet of being placed on critics’ “worst of the year” list.  Still, unless Kevin Costner has a post-apocalyptic movie in the can somewhere, Steve Martin is the early leader for the Razzie Award for worst actor.  It is not his fault.  Great slapstick is harder to perform that a Shakespeare sonnet. (Ironically, Shakespeare used a great deal of physical comedy in his plays, but once they became culture, people kind of forgot about that.)  This genre of comedy has been around since Punch and Judy hit each other with sticks. Greats like Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin, Laurel and Hardy, and the Three Stooges spent years perfecting their crafts in vaudeville houses across the nation.  Even though Hollywood loves physical comedy and hugely choreographed chase routines, it is an art form that is slowly disappearing and just does not work in this film.  It am sure in a few years, maybe a decade or so, some studio executive will look for a franchise to dust off, and they will turn to the Pink Panther franchise again, and that will be the real slapstick because there is only one Clouseau.

Verdict: Martin Rolls in his Cash, but Audiences are Left Rolling in Something Else