The Truth About Elvis

The Truth About Elvis

"There are now at least 85,000 Elvis’s around the world, compared to only 170 in 1977 when Elvis died. At this rate of growth, experts predict that by 2019, Elvis impersonators will make up a third of the world population." - The Naked Scientists, 3rd December, 2000

The King is alive! Thank God Almighty, the King is alive. The grave is empty. He got away. Jesus? No, it was Elvis Aaron Presley, the King. Who looks better in a white rhinestone jumpsuit, Elvis or Jesus? Elvis. Who had better pork chop sideburns, Elvis or Jesus? Elvis. Who would you rather see grind his hips on stage? The Pelvis. Who snarled his lip better? Come on, you know who? Who sang Suspicious Minds better, the real King or Jesus? Oh, you know who. Whose karate chops made all the girls go crazy? Thank you very much. Who has over 35,000 impersonators running around, J.C. or E? Who won 3 Grammy Awards, sold 1,300,000,000 albums, and starred in 31 films? TCB, baby, TCB. Who would have been more believable in the roles of Scott Heyward in Clambake, Lucky Jackson in Viva Las Vegas, Dr. John Carpenter in Change of Habit and Rusty Wells in Girl Crazy, Elvis or Jesus? Can I get an Amen? Finally, who got to kiss Ann-Margaret, Mary Tyler Moore, Peggy Lipton, Nancy Sinatra, Shelley Fabares, Mary Ann Mobley, Ursula Andress, Stella Stevens, Tuesday Weld, Barbara Eden, Donna Douglas (Ellie Mae), and Yvonne Craig? (Maybe the coolest chick ever! She got to kiss James T. Kirk, Elvis, and inspire millions of American boys onto puberty as Batgirl.) Case closed. Elvis has left the building.

No, no, he has not. How do I know this? I got a bunch of conspiracy theorists in my family. So I know that the King got away. Worn out, he escaped the lifestyle that was killing him and went on to perform miracles and slay vampires and such. Here are the facts: Elvis’ middle name is Aron, not Aaron as it is misspelled on the grave. (Never mind that Elvis, himself, had legal changed his name to the one on the grave just prior to his death.) Is this a signal from the Presley family that E is still with us? Several people in the emergency room the most famous resident of Memphis was taken to, claim that the person wheeled in was not the star of Jailhouse Rock. The King was not laid to rest next to his beloved mother as he had repeatedly requested, but rather between the plots for his father and grandmother. His favorite ring, the one emblazoned with the initials TCB was removed from the casket before it went into the ground. Even though Graceland was in financial difficulties, why weren’t several of his life insurance policies cashed in? Elvis died on August 16, 1977. If we convert the date to numbers and add them up, we get 8 + 16 + 1977. That equals 2001. Elvis’ theme song was the also the theme song for the movie 2001, another signal to the public. The King had his will changed five months before his death. He also fired several of his closest friends in the weeks before his “passing.” Even though he was starting a new tour in four days and had gained 50 pounds since he had last been on the road, E had no new costumes made. On the day after his death, a man who looked like Elvis named John Burrows, a pseudonym that the King often used, purchased a ticket at the Memphis airport with cash for Buenos Aires. A girlfriend of his received a single red rose the day after he passed with a note that was signed E.L. Lancelot, a pet name between the two of them. Several of Elvis’ most prized books, including his Bible, disappeared after his death. The fading rock-and-roll star weighing a healthy 250 pounds, but the death certificate list him as weighing 170 pounds. Granted he died on the toilet, but there is no way the King dropped 70 pounds overnight. Nobody is that good. The photo of Elvis that the National Enquirer had smuggled out of the visitation looked nothing like Elvis. Not only did the face look nothing like E’s, but the hands were smooth, not those of an 8th degree black belt. The casket is reported to have weighed 900 pounds and pallbearers stated that the air around the casket was cool. What could account for all that weight? Well, if the body was a wax dummy, you would need an air conditioner in the coffin to keep it from melting until they got it in the ground. Why is there a large blue curtain that only security can go beyond at Graceland to this day? Is it because, as a prisoner of his own fame, the King faked his own death and is still enjoying fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches to this day. Some of his fans believe he is living on a private island in Hawaii, others that he is a DEA agent, still others that he is fighting communism somewhere, and there are those who believe he could be living right next door to you.

You know what I say? He was a fat, overweight junkie with a bad heart who had consumed 12,000 pills in the last 20 months of life. He took so many pills, that he would literally fall asleep in the middle of eating, and stayed up all night because the pills made him constipated. An ignorant hillbilly, he was the personification of the bad taste known as the early 70s and was clearly one fried piece of chicken shy of a bucket in the sane department at the end. Instead of being a cautionary tale of what fame, bad taste, fried foods, and drugs can do to an individual, he became an icon. He is a modern day Jesus for a pop culture America that asks for nothing but devotion and maybe a black velvet painting or two. Fans dress like him, grow pork chop sideburns, make yearly treks to Memphis, and buy every whiskey container that is molded in his image. He has become a symbol in white rhinestone jumpsuits and jewelry. (His latter costumes reflected his love for superheroes, especially Shazam, in the comic books he read.) The poor boy from Mississippi became lost in the legend that was Elvis.

Director Adam Muskiewicz looks at what he sees as the biggest urban legend of our time, that Elvis escaped death and is out there somewhere. Mukiewicz tries to uncover what happened that August night in 1977 in Memphis. Did the 42 year-old-singer die of a heart attack, a drug overdose, foul play, or did he perpetrate the biggest hoax in American history? Were there really grave robbers? Muskiewicz tracks down those who knew the King, armchair historians, and fans who claim to have seen him alive after his death to get to the truth. This might be one of the few films that could make you money. The director offers $3 million to anyone, with any proof, that the King is still alive. It is still unclaimed. That could buy a lot of fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches for you.

And now, the end is near, and I can say one thing for certain. Okay, I know several things for certain. Lee Harvey Oswald killed President John Kennedy. A weather balloon crashed at Roswell. George W. Bush cannot organize a sentence, let alone oversee a conspiracy to fake crashing airplanes into buildings. Jim Morrison is taking the dirt nap. So are Kurt Cobain and James Dean. Space aliens don’t come across the galaxy to give you a rectal exam. The only thing mysterious about the Bermuda Triangle is why people need to believe that stuff. If ghosts really existed, they would be hanging out in the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders’ locker room not creepy old buildings. Life is a scary and often lonely place. At the end of the day, things don’t add up. Sometimes you need to crown a king to help you make it through the day, be it Elvis, Jesus, a political ideology or something else. Choose carefully. Thank you, thank you very much. Trevor has left the building.

Verdict: A Fun Documentary