Blonde and Blonder

Blonde and Blonder

Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards

Date: 5005 A. D.

Dear Professor:

The dig is going well. Every day we are uncovering more information on the highly automated culture of giants known as Twenty-first Century America which, we have deduced, died out after the inventing of something called the Britney Spears 2.1, a robot that appears to be a personal servant of sorts. Highly logical, it appears that is only function is to happily cook, clean, and bring cylinder-shaped objects filled with a brown liquid called beer to a person the BS 2.1 called "Master." The model we have uncovered must be damaged, as a warning light frequently flashes "wardrobe malfunction" and we cannot find the creature’s undergarments anywhere. Strangely, it appeared to have a mute button to stop its vocal tracks for long periods of time and appears to have some kind of electrical short because when laid on it’s back, it starts to gyrate wildly, as if it is having a seizure. Although no correlation has been found, it appears, that on the heels of the invention of this android, fertility rates plummeted until the culture vanished.

Our most exciting news came last week when we uncovered one of their worship centers for a god they called Capitalism. They worshipped her all year round, particularly at a festival called "Christmas." It appears that the worshippers appeased this god by buying as many needless items as possible. They loved this god so much that they destroyed their own planet with greenhouse gases that she demanded as tribute rather than to stop worshiping her. The temple is a huge box-like structure made of concrete and metal with a flat roof surrounded by large amounts of a substance called asphalt. From what we can deduce, large pools of slave labor were employed to keep these worship centers filled with toxic chemical by-products. Although you will find this hard to believe, and I know this is going to sound wacky, I believe the worshippers even ingested these chemicals instead of food. It appears, from the bodies that have been uncovered, that the priests wore the same color vests, usually red or blue, and maintained an inhuman smile, even in the throws of death. Their vests were decorated with flat, round metal buttons that must have represented the name of the particular deity they represented. One of these deities, the goddess for those who had no talents, was named "Paris Hilton." From the images we have uncovered, there must have been a great famine in the land where she lived. This mythological lady was truly heroic as she appears to have protested the abuses of the day by removing her clothes at every opportunity, fighting death matches against other women (who appeared to have gone with an evolutionary process where their mammary glands grew to enormous sizes, while there was no fat anywhere else on their bodies) in places called nightclubs, and was a political prisoner at one point in her life. Getting back to the priests, they appear to be stationed mainly at the front of the temples. The worshippers worked all day long for pieces of paper which they gave to the priests in return for the toxic by-products. I know that you will not believe me, but I suspect this was a very special race of people who held the handicapped and mentally ill in high regard. Rather than demonizing them, the worshippers showed their affection for them by buying things called books created by them. I am forwarding, with this report, images of these challenged individuals that go by names like Bill O'Reilly, Dr. Phil, Sean Hannity, and Donald Trump. I apologize in advance for the images of the one named Ann Coutler. It goes to show how highly they regarded life that they kept the thoughts of such a clearly deranged individual close to them. I am putting forward the hypothesis that it is so they would be reminded that there for the grace of their gods go them. They even made one these changed individuals, named Bush, their leader for several years.

A few hours ago we unearthed a large cache of entertainment disks. Most were damaged beyond repair, but we were able to recover the data on one of them. It was called Blonde and Blonder. Our information about this age must be faulty because the robot that is featured in it appears almost human. It is called Pamela Anderson and appears to have been modeled on the little dolls made of toxic materials called Barbie that I sent to you earlier. It is clear that the engineers had to be very careful with this machine, keeping it away from any open flame or heat source, as with all its plastic components, it would have melted. In an effort to understand who this robot was, I accessed the great library. It appears at some point in the early 1990s, it replaced a wholesome looking young woman from British Columbia, Canada. Fake hair, fake lips, and freakishly large plastic parts almost everywhere, how authorities did not notice this machine replacing this attractive girl is beyond me, especially because this robot did not change for over two decades. I am guessing that this robot is made of the same material as the toxic packing material, called Cheese Curls, that I sent you. Still, robotics were still in their infancy and the Pamela Anderson model was never able to capture human animation and the CPU hard drive clearly could not contain much data and operated at an extremely slow level. It is clear that the technical support staff had to be close at hand at all times. So as to not alarm the population, I suspect they pretended to be homeless carnival workers going by names like Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. The robot even did a movie clearly designed to scare young women from having sex, called The Honeymoon. Terrifying, is all that I can say.

Enough about the Pamela Anderson robot. The machine’s co-star is a middle-aged woman named Denise Richards. Ms. Richards must have committed some crime to have been forced to humiliate herself like this, maybe she was a serial killer, a Republican, or something like that. Poor Denise is forced to imitate the Anderson robot, complete with bad dye job, caked on toxic chemicals over her face, and clothes so binding that she probably had to crack a rib or two in order to breathe.

Our history archives indicate that Americans were waging something called “the war against terror” in which they tortured individuals, to make sure the subjects were innocent. I am guessing that Blonde and Blonder was shown on a repeated loop until the person cracked. At most that would be two or three times for those who are really hardcore. There is an old saying that a chimpanzee sitting at a typewriter, just pounding at random at the keys, given an infinite amount of time could type the complete works of Shakespeare. If all that primate was asked to do was write the screenplay for this film, that chimp would be lighting up a stogie by lunch on the first day to celebrate the completion of this project. Pam-abot is Dee Twiddle and Richards is Dawn St. Dom. They meet for the time during a pilot lesson in a small private plane. Okay, here is the joke. Each thinks the other one is the flight instructor because, get this, they are blondes. Even though they know nothing about airplanes, they are able to get the single engine off the ground before they realize their mistake. As our physics professors have taught us, along with getting hit in the crotch by a football, midgets in superman costumes, and chimps smoking, a plane crash is always hilarious. We all know what happens when two blondes get together. No, not STDs and one of them waking up in the shower with a pocket Mike’s Hard Lemonade and the lead guitarist from some scummy band. They witness a mob hit. Big breasted, plastic looking, dumb blondes must be a dime a dozen in that society, because later two hitmen (played by the late Chris Farley’s brothers, John and Kevin) confuse them with two other women, Cat (Emmanuelle Vaugier) and Kit (Meghan Ory), who are the world’s best assassins. After consulting with their boss, the two mobsters offer the girls a chance to wack Mr. Wong (Bryon Mann) for a large amount of cash. Of course the girls don’t understand the words “take out” and accept the job. I do not want to destroy the rest of the entertainment for you, professor.

Verdict: As If Ed Wood Combined Legally Blonde and Dumb & Dumber