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Fanboys
Sam Huntington, Chris Marquette, Dan Fogler, Jay Baruchel
I know that somewhere there are people having dinner parties, drinking martinis, and having sophisticated conversations. These are not my friends. My friends are geeks and nerds who have been emboldened by the Internet. In previous generations they hid their flag and colors in order not to get beat up and mocked constantly. Now it is hip to be uncool.
I got several tickets to a preview of Fanboys this afternoon and invited several of my friends to go along.
Here are the topics of conversation.
1. “Battlestar Galactica. “ Is "rat lab" (Baltar) the fifth cylon? (No) More debate on whether it is the greatest Sci-Fi series ever. “Heroes” and “Lost” are brought up. Someone mentions “Enterprise.” Everyone laughs. The lone B-5er is standing his ground as the car goes to McDonald's.
2. Is the Sci-Fi Network being run by monkeys? Saturday nights are truly the most dangerous night on television because of the Sci-Fi original movies and by dangerous, I mean to your sensibilities and common sense. “Flash Gordon” should have been called “Flush Gordon.” We arrive at Mickey D’s.
2. I go to restroom and return to shouts of F' Rob Liefeld, F' Rob Liefeld. Nigerian guy cleaning tables comes over to us and says, "'F' T'dd McFar'd" Some of those million copies of crappy comics must have made their way over to Africa. (I didn't know nerd was universal.)
3. Two of my friends start arguing over the impossibility of black Vulcans. (Vulcans are yellow, not white). My answer: If they want to put a giant penis coming out of a Vulcan's head, it is the studio's call. They then move to another age old debate – One likes the original Ferangie because they were so weird and alien. The other likes Ferangie as they are in “DS-9.” This conversation moves on to which “Star Trek” chick would you like to “beam up.” My answer is not one of them would ever climb on your transporter so it is a dumb question. This all leads naturally to talk of T'Pol and the white jumpsuit she wore in one episode. The Nigerian dude is giving us thumbs up across the restaurant. He is starting to creep me out.
Question: If you are in a canoe with Harry Kim, the Pig Man (Nelix), Will Wheaton, Kes, and Maryweather and canoe tips over and you can only save one person, you have to save one person, who do you save? I don't want to play. I truly hate these people. Finally I answer, “Pig Man, because once I drag him to the shore I don't want any witnesses to what I would do to him.”
Talk turns to “Preacher” being turned into a series on HBO and the remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still and Logan’s Run as we are leaving. Nigerian dude is waving good-bye to us and yelling, "F' T'dd McFar'd" or he could be yelling "Fork Toad McFard." Not sure. All I know is he is the first person I would nominate for a trip on Carousel.
4. In car on way to theater: Topic: Superhero sex and more importantly who would you rather be raped by Superman, The Hulk, The Thing, or Chewie from Star Wars. I look out the window and realize I could kill every one of them and no one would miss them for several months and I say a silent prayer thanking God that their DNA is not going to continue to swim on through the gene pool after they die. For some reason they have moved onto who is the “happiest” woman in comics. All agree that it is either Sue Storm, Sue Digby, or the wife/girlfriend of Plastic Man or Elongated Man. There is one lone holdout who maintains that it is clearly Green Lantern because he has got that power ring and you know that bad boy is coming out in the bedroom. There is now a debate over whether all the hot chicks in “Smallville” should have cancer because Clark Kent would be using his x-ray vision 24/7, especially when they had slumber parties and showers. Somehow the conversation moves onto whether The Thing would have to have a super-reinforced toilet. I look out the window and daydream about if there is reincarnation I must have peed on a statue of Buddha or something to deserve this fate.
5. We get to theater. I go up to manager's office. As I am talking to him, one of the ushers comes in and says that there are some real dorks in the lobby debating whether Lucy Lawless is hotter as a cylon or as Xena and whether Claudia Black is a babe or is she just hot as the character in “Farscape.” I tell her that they are my friends and they are fanboys. She rolls her eyes, and I know that I can cross another woman off my list that I will never date.
Fanboys is a nerd road movie. Set in 1998, a group of nerds decide, after one of them gets terminal cancer, to take a cross-country road to George Lucas’ Skywalker Ranch to see the movie they have been waiting their whole lives to see, Star Wars: Episode I. These kids are huge Star Wars fans but have drifted apart since high school. Granting this one final wish reunites the four. Eric (Sam Huntington - Not Another Teen Movie, Raising Genius) is having to deal with the reality of working with his overbearing used car dealer father (Christopher MacDonald - Requiem for a Dream, 61) Linus (Chris Marquette- Alpha Dog, Graduation), his best friend, has about three months left. Add to the mix, Windows (Jay Baruchel – The Rules of Attraction, “Undeclared”) the tall, lanky, nerdy owner of a comic book store. Since every skinny dude has his fat sidekick, the final geek seat goes to Hutch (Dan Fogler - School for Scoundrels, Kids in America), a bushy haired firecracker complete with RUSH t-shirt. The actor, I am afraid, has watched one too many Jack Black films. With the new age Laurel and Hardy in the backseats and the hero and his dying friend in the front seat of the van, it is time to break into Kooky Lucas’ place so the kid can see a rough cut Phantom Menace before their friend dies. (Phantom Menace? Come on the kid already has cancer. Why make him feel worse?) Like all road trip movies, the crappy van provides the vehicle to get from one wacky adventure to the next. Of course, there are the Kevin Smith inspired pee-pee and bodily fluid jokes. We cannot forget the obligatory verbal battle between these Star Wars fanatics and a Trekkie. Along the way they bump into some of geekdom’s heroes in cameo roles –Billy Dee Williams (Star Wars & Batman franchises), Seth Rogan (“Freaks & Geeks,” The 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up), Danny Trejo (Robert Rodriquez favorite), and William Shatner (Captain Kirk, TJ Hooker, Denny Crane). Throw in a Harry Knowles-inspired character and you got the movie. There are the sweet moments and the gross out American Pie moments. It is a pure formulaic film. The best way to describe the film is to imagine Napoleon Dynamite meets Free Enterprise. Like Free Enterprise, the best part of this film is the William Shatner cameo. In a year that has The Pineapple Express coming up, it is a good, not great comedy.
As I jotted down my notes, I always write down who a film is for. As the pencil lead hits the paper, on cue, out comes my friends. Words like great, fantastic, and wonderful are tossed around. “Veronica Mars (Kristen Bell) is a hotty.” “Remember when Carrie Fisher wore that brass bikini?” “Jamie King is from Omaha, Nebraska. Did you know that? She was so hot in Sin City as Goldie the stripper.” “Did you catch that the security guard was the actor that played Darth Maul (Ray Park)?”
For most of the car ride to friend's house I work on movie notes, as words like Dune, Harvey Birdman, Hugo Awards, and Buffy are tossed around. Someone is whining about wanting to see what is on the NASA channel. I think about how Jack Bauer would handle this situation and smile to myself. Finally we get to friend's house. We go upstairs to the "Star Trek" room to watch television. Thousands of dollars of plastic crap and posters fill the former guest bedroom. As I look at the giant Borg in the corner, even though I have probably seen it a thousand times, the following words go through my mind, "It puts the lotion on the skin." I sit down in a chair (not the Captain's chair, no one sits in the Captain's chair) and fight falling asleep. “Space 1999” is in the background and bickering about who is the best Dr. Who is ringing in my ears. I drift off and dream that somewhere there are fancy dinners, witty banter, and dry martinis.
Verdict: An Inside Movie for the Geek