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Where is Howie? Let's Play Deal or No Deal on gay marriage

The secret of the game show “Deal or No Deal” is that people lose money the longer they play the game. Given that the average worth of one of the twenty-six cases is $131,477.54, probability theory states that the odds are the banker will make his best offer early in the game and if he offers above that mean, the contestant should take the money and run. Given the odds, tactics employed by the banker and personal psychology, most people never do, but then again the game would not be much fun if people did not act like idiots. In this week’s column, I want to play “Deal or No Deal” with those who are against gay marriage.

To those of you who have spent millions of dollars, gotten all upset about liberal judges and voted to keep homosexuals from marrying each other, I have some bad news. It is going to happen. Ten, twenty, thirty years or even half a century from now, it will be the law of the land. Some of you are already sputtering “liberal” under your breath. My saying that has nothing to do with my political outlook or my opinion. It has to do with the actuarial tables.

According to a Pew study, Americans currently oppose gay marriage roughly two-to-one (59% to 32%), those numbers get turned on their heads as the people surveyed get younger. Individuals in the sixties and above are the most opposed to the idea of Adam and Steve saying the “I do’s,” roughly four to one. Because these people are most likely to vote and hold leadership positions, their concept on marriage is winning the day, at least today. That is why gay marriage has failed almost every time it has been put before the voters.

Here is the problem for you early bird special, senior citizens. You are Robert E. Lee in this needless war. Lee was the best general in the Civil War, the master of the big battle campaign, but probably the wrong commander for the South. Once Abraham Lincoln found a general to stand toe-to-toe with him, the North had the manpower to simply outlast Dixie. The anti-gay forces are winning the early battles, doing some amazing maneuvers, spending loads of cash, and rallying around the flag and their faith, but the other side has the troops. You old people are going to die. Your arteries are clogging a little more every day. Your grandchildren and great-grandchildren are going to outlive you. When you are worm food, they will still be walking around. The younger generation for the most part views gay marriage as a civil rights issue. People thirty-years-old and below generally favor homosexuals being allowed to tie the knot and the numbers grow more dramatically as they get younger, with teenagers being the most in favor of it. Why? They are the first generation going to school with openly gay kids. While Uncle Burt strangely shared a bedroom with Ernie, and hung out in bars in the big city with smoky glass, today his nephews and nieces can come out if they want to. Things are not perfect yet. There is still some bullying, but it is not like it was even a generation ago. For the most part, straight kids have discovered that homosexual kids are just like them except they like kids with the same mommy or daddy parts. The ceiling has not opened up. Thunderbolts have not come from the clouds. The world has continued on just fine, and if you are friends with such kids you want them to have the same rights as you have, no back of the bus for them. The law gives over a thousand rights to married couples that same sex partners do not receive, whether it is in regards to children, home ownership, hospital stays, social security, insurance, funerals, and a myriad of other issues. Even though a couple can spend thousands of dollars on lawyers trying to sew up every legal issue one can think of, have this and that document drawn up, a person cannot think of everything or have those documents available in each and every circumstance.

This is why many have proposed civil unions. Even though 51% of Americans currently oppose these legal recognitions, it has become a popular stance for timid politicians to hold, especially if they want to reach out to young voters. For example by a 69% to 29% margin the younger generation believes that homosexuals can be just as good parents as a straight couple. The majority of younger people believe that a greater acceptance of homosexuals would be a good thing for the country. So, for current politicians a two-track system, civil unions and marriages, sounds like a great solution. Here is the problem and a good judge will quickly recognize it. If the civil rights movement has taught us anything, it is that separate but equal is never equal. Some of you might not like it, but the judge who makes that ruling will be right. “All men are created equal” sticks in the throat sometimes.

Here is my “Deal or No Deal” for you. I look at all the money wasted and time spent in this fight that could be used to feed the poor, take care of the weak, and do the work of God instead of fighting a wave that is going to hit the shore eventually no matter what you do. Plus, in a fight that gets nasty, nobody wins. Here is my solution. When I talk to people about this issue, it is the word marriage that trips them up and has them seeing red. It is a moral issue for them. Most are not opposed to homosexuals having the same basic legal rights, but it is the word “marriage” that bothers them. So, why don’t we just pass a law that gets the state out of the marriage business? Instead of issuing marriage licenses, gay or straight, doesn’t matter, everyone gets a civil union contract. Let your individual church or denomination decide who is married in your eyes. The legal rights are thus separated from your church’s potential sacraments and your interpretation of marriage in the Bible. You do not have to recognize a gay marriage if you do not want to, or even Rush Limbaugh’s fourth marriage if your church is opposed to divorce. The bill can be written such that it only becomes law if a majority of states also pass similar such laws. It should always be an uncomfortable position to look to the state to have your church’s moral stance. So, do we have a deal or no deal?

As I have talked to older people about this issue and the actuarial tables, they always talk about the need for a religious revival, or rightly point out that people grow more conservative with age. While it is true people grow more conservative with age, the big factor about whether you will support gay marriage is if you know and love someone in your personal life that is homosexual. Most older people do not think they know anyone who is homosexual. They do. They just do not know it most of the time. When they do know it, they are almost as supportive as younger people, especially if it is a child or grandchild that they have loved since they were little.

What about a revival among young people? “The Bible says…” When it comes to religion, being born again or having a relationship with one’s God, does not have nearly the impact on the whether younger people oppose “gay marriage” as one would think. While “religious” youth are more conservative than their contemporaries, they are closer to agreeing with their classmates on the issue than their parents or grandparents. So, do we have a deal or no deal?

I know this white flag of truce will not be taken. The game has to be played. The contestants want to win. Logic and statistics have nothing to do with their decisions to continue on. I just look at all that money and time that is going to be lost, finances that could go to better purposes and think what a waste. Mostly, it is the pain, the senseless pain that people will go through over the issue. You see, gay marriage is not a game. Howie Mandel is not on stage cracking jokes and praying no one touches him. There are no bright lights and leggy supermodels unless it is Friday night on Cinemax or “The Howard Stern Show” and ultimately too many good people on both sides of the issue are going to go home losers, because you are not playing with someone else’s money. Still, the briefcases of time must be opened, because most people are not realists, statisticians or looking at the actuarial tables. Sometimes I wish life was as easy, entertaining, and fun as “Deal or No Deal.”