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50 Questions With Tea Party Jesus, Part III

I am back with Tea Partying Jesus. Nice you could spare me some time, again.

No problem, Trevor. How is that rash?

How did you know…

Still, going to be sleeping in Sunday morning?

I-I-I-I… Can we get to the questions?

Okay.

Question #21: The five unanswerable questions. What does one hand clapping sound like? How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Can you create a rock so heavy that you cannot lift it? Does chewing gum really lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? What does a woman want?

One hand clapping sounds like waving. R&D can give you a full answer on the angels question for you. It is all very technical, but it is 42. The old Averroes’ omnipotence paradox about a rock. I am God. I don’t “lift” anything. It is a meaningless question. A better question, "am I powerful enough to inspire Nickelback to produce a good CD?" and, no, sadly, no one is capable of that. Chewing gum, well, if you are chewing gum that has been left on your bedpost overnight that might explain your rash. What does a woman want? I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her and listen to her reply.

Question #22: Were the Founding Fathers Christians?

Well, George Washington married his wife for her money and tried to romance another man’s wife. Thomas Jefferson fooled around with his slaves, even an underage one that looked like his dead wife. That is kind of creepy. Benjamin Franklin chased more skirt than a kitten in a dressmaker’s shop, drank and partied with the best of them. John Adams’ sons hated him for the most part. His son, John Quincy, liked to skinny dip with female reporters for all the world to see. Alexander Hamilton, who was kind of the George Clooney of his time, had an affair with Maria Reynolds and was accused of trading inside information to her husband to gain access to her. Aaron Burr killed Hamilton after Hamilton purposely missed in a duel, and then tried to lead a rebellion against this country. James Madison was the king of dirty political pool. He even released Hamilton’s love letters to Reynolds to the newspapers to embarrass and destroy his rival. Sam Adams was a neurotic crank. John Hancock, the richest man in the colonies, inherited all his money from a dead uncle, who was a smuggler, and pouted throughout the war because Washington would not give him a bigger command. So, short answer, yes, yes, they were.

Question #23: Here is one of the big philosophical questions. What came first, the chicken or the egg?

Teach the controversy.

Question #24: Have you been to the Creation Museum in Petersberg, Kentucky?

Yes, I have. Now when I was alive in the Middle East during the first century I might have asked that the $60 million it took to build the place and the money people have spent on tickets to get in and the money they paid for knickknacks from the gift shop be given to feed the poor, but as you know that teaches dependence… And we did not have cool animatronics dinosaurs. Have you seen those things? So, cool. The real ones were around when I was alive, but they were a surly bunch. I rode one once and could not get that smell out of my clothes for days.

Question #25: Since we are on the subject matter, how do you feel about stickers being place on books proclaiming that evolution “is just a theory.” Agree or disagree.

How dare anyone think of putting a sticker on a book saying this is just a theory? Young people need to be taught the truth... Oh, you’re talking about science books. I thought you were talking about the Bible. Put as many stickers as you can on those things. The writers of those things are just dumb.

Question #26: Intelligent design. Is there anything that you designed that you regret?

Yes, yes, there are some things I regret, but you have to remember, I had six days. Most people cannot clean out their refrigerator in six days and I created everything. Some things had to be rushed and R&D pushed out some models before they were ready for road testing. Giraffes and their sore throats, major headache. Turkeys, what are you going to do? We had to rush the dog a bit because men needed someone to blame when they passed gas, it is why they are a man’s best friend, but we were able to perfect that animal over time. Cleveland, enough said. Don’t get me started on black liquorice. Still tastes like plant root. French tanks, we could only get those things to move backwards no matter how hard we tried. The British and their teeth, we are still working on that one. Have you ever watched Prince Charles talk? It is like watching a swinging door on a windy day. Sigh.

Question #27: Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong? Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop? Who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip?

I blame Obama. You are seriously asking the most powerful being in the universe that question? [Menacing glare] I could tell you what dark energy is, what is inside a black hole, or the cure to cancer and you want to know that?

Question #28: Okay, I will not ask what Billie Joe McAllister threw off the Tallahatchie Bridge. Uum… when Yankee Doodle came to town, is he calling the horse or the feather "macaroni"? Hum… sorry, next card… Are Jewish vampires afraid of crosses… hum… sorry… Is there a time limit on fortune cookies?… Okay… Why is the London bridge always fallin… next card… If there are no 13th floor in a building, why is there a chapter 11 in a novel… Ohhh… How do you handcuff a dude with only one arm?... Ugh… Why do overalls have belt loo… Crap… When Edward Scissorhands uses the restroom, how does he… Sorry, sorry, an intern prepared these questions…. If a Christian church has a lighting rod on top doesn’t it show a lack of faith?… Darn, darn, darn, darn it… Let me see, what is Satan’s last name?

Obama. You have two questions left in this session.

Question #29: Let’s get back to politics. Pontius Pilate was a governor. So are Chris Christie, Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin and Rick Perry. Barack Obama and you were community organizers. Your thoughts?

You might want to get that goiter on your neck checked?

Question #30: What goiter?... Yikes. Okay, okay, last question. Bla uha dab na bah coo cah… ma tongue not working… gosah smsaau bosaue…

I think what you are asking me is, why should the reader teabag for Jesus and join me, Tea Party Jesus. The answer is simple. It is time to stop turning the other cheek and loving your neighbor, especially if he has a name like Muhammad. The liberal media got it all wrong. They talk about me feeding the poor and healing the sick, unless they have good insurance, that, that is just socialism. Pray and you will be healed, but only as long as you have coverage. They forgot that part. The blind shall see as long as they can make the co-pay. No free ride here. The lame shall walk as long as their HMO says it is okay. The meek shall inherit the earth as long as they are not brown and it is not Arizona or Texas. We got walls to stop that stuff.

Trevor, you are not looking well. I cannot wait to see you again in a few weeks. Why are you shaking your head no? This intervnew has been a blast. If you don’t see me in a few weeks… it is probably because you’re blind. Ha, ha, ha, joke, joke. Why are you crying? Stop crying. I’ll take it from here. Tea Party Jesus, peace, out.