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All I Ever Really Did Not Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten

{The reader is advised to wear a lab apron when reading, to avoid the dripping sarcasm. Pub.}

(Dedicated to my beloved kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Kolbey. You never got paid what you deserve. In fact you often dipped into your own resources to pay for glue, books, scissors and other supplies. You taught me how to write my letters, spell, read, and often stayed up late into the evening grading and trying to figure out how to transform a bunch of barbarians into civilized human beings. You showed a bunch of children grace and love and simply asked that we promised to do the same when you were old.

Putz. I hope you enjoy being a Walmart greeter until you are 105, because promises are meant to be broken, except if you are a Wall Street CEO or are getting a tax break for your private plane. Those promises are ironclad. Sucker.)

Most of what I really need

To know about how to live,

and what to do, and how to be,

I learned in Kindergarten.

Wisdom was not found at the top

of the graduate school mountain,

but there in the sandbox at nursery school.

These are the things I have learned

And why I would have been an abject failure

if I had listened to that silly teacher:

Share everything.

Simple Communism is all that I can say. Show me someone who shares his toys and I will show you someone who has his stuff taken by someone else and then broken. Blessed is the one with all the cool stuff because he does not need to inherit the earth. He has already got it.

Play fair.

… but only if you are also balanced.  Playing fair is simply loser talk. Just ask our finest football institutions, I mean universities, USC, Ohio State and Auburn or our greatest athletes like Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens or even Fox News’, Karl Rove, or Lee Atwater.

Don't hit people.

What? Do you think that this is the United States of France? You do not hit people. You threaten them with a gun. It is expectable to verbally hit unwed mothers, verbally hit poor people, verbally hit homosexuals, verbally hit minorities. Remember the best way to feel better about your life is to blame someone else.

Put things back they way you found them.

Like oceans, the atmosphere, strip mining, the Gulf of Mexico, the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan… Okay, those are bad examples. Hum, how can I blame the poor for this?

Clean up your own mess.

Okay, that is why you become “a wealth producer,” so you can hire someone else to clean up your mess. It is best if they are undocumented so you can pay them as little as possible. It is even better when you can get the government to clean up your mess for free like BP, Exxon, or Wall Street. When all else fails have a good public relations firm and lawyers on speed dial.

Don't take things that aren't yours.

Clearly, Mrs. Kolbey did not understand supply side economics.

Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.

Just like George W. Bush did when he invaded Iraq, the Wall Street bankers did when they wrecked our economy, and the Republicans did to the poor when they cut programs like Head Start… What, they didn’t? Okay, only apologize if you tweet a picture of your junk or trip and accidently fall on a naked lady, again and again and again and then only when you get caught so that you can then get a position in a think tank to save your career.

Wash your hands before you eat.

That sounds all sciencey and if we have learned anything from scientists, it is that they do not know anything.  They might have gotten them thar advanced degrees, done a ton of field research, read them things called books, studied data. My Uncle Carl, who works at the filling station and has been to the Creationist Museum in Tennessee, says they are fill of bull hockey and he listens to Rush Limbaugh every day.  Just like I ain’t every seen any of that evolution or global warming, why should I take their word about germs, which I ain’t never seen neither.

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

What? Are you Michelle Obama trying to tell me what to eat?

Live a balanced life.

Translation: Blah, blah, blah, I’m lazy. I smell Eurotrash in this attitude.  Other than a longer life, a higher standard of living, a better-educated work force, better health care, and a more content life, what has this attitude gotten those godless Europeans?

Learn some, think some, draw and paint, sing and dance, play and work everyday some.

Drawing, painting, singing, and dancing? Gay. Am I going to be tested on any of these things?  There is a reason school districts are cutting these programs. As for thinking, the only thing I ever needed to learn, I learned from Michele Bachman, Sarah Palin and Fox News.

Take a nap every afternoon.

Only old people and the mice in those old Speedy Gonzalez cartoons take naps in the afternoon. The only place to take a proper nap is right in the middle of a family event, like my father.

When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands and stick together.

Holding hands? I can guarantee you whoever came up with this one is not a Norwegian.  The only reason to hang out with others is to have someone to blame when things go wrong.

Be aware of wonder and wonderful things.

And how does this add to the national GDP? Unless it can be packaged and made in China out of cheap plastic, this is just more hippie crap.

Remember the little seed in the plastic cup.  The roots go down and the plant goes up. Nobody knows how or why, but we are all like that.

 Roots move towards moisture, not always down, and may grow sideways to access the water and minerals required to provide nourishment. There are seeds where the roots will actually grow on top of the soil. As for why that plant grows up, there is this thing called photosynthesis… zzzz. I’ll just tell you the same thing my father told me. Just ask the neighborhood kid who is growing pot with a grow light in his closet, he’ll tell you. After spending time with him and SpongeBob SquarePants you will have more interesting questions to ask like: How can Superman and The Thing use a regular toilet? If Mr. Spock and Captain Kirk are alone on a planet when Mr. Spock goes through pon farr, does anyone hear Kirk scream? If the character Strawberry Shortcake passes gas, does it stink?

Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup - they all die...So do we.

You can blame this on that damn Obamacare.

Remember the storybook “Dick and Jane”? Remember the first important word you learned, the biggest word of all:  LOOK!

Dick and Jane were removed completely from public education readers by 1966. Why? Look, Dick, look. Johnny Can’t Read. See Jane laugh at him and smile. The McGuffey's method of learning to read was judged a failure. So, if you read Dick and Jane stories in school, the only reason the word “LOOK” is important for you now is because you probably have cataracts.

Everything you need to know is there, from Kindergarten, somewhere.  The Golden Rule, love, and basic sanitation...Ecology and politics and sane living...Think of what a better world it would be if we all--the whole world--had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then laid down with our blankets for a nap.  Or if we had a basic policy in our nation, and all other nations, to always put things back where we found them and to clean up our own messes.

And it is still the truth, no matter who you are, or how old you are, when you go out into this world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

Who are you going to believe?  rules that make sense? or me?