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50 Questions With Tea Partying Jesus, Part II

I would like to welcome back, the man, the legend, Tea Partying Jesus.

Thank you, Trevor. You know my birthday is in a few months. Will I see you in church by then?

Hum… hum… I… I… Look, isn’t that Prince William and his beautiful bride, Kate?

Trevor, I see everything, everything. By the way, cool it on the bangers and beans. I might see everything, but I don’t want to smell everything.

Sorry.

And stop dancing to all those songs from the 1980s when you think no one is listening. I might have given you a soul, but I did not give you soul, if you get my drift.

Okay.

Let’s go. Notre Dame plays in a few minutes and it slays me every time they show that painting of me on the library wall with my arms raised like I am signaling a touchdown. Gold, just gold, is all I can say.

Question #11: Pastor Rick Warren recently tweeted the following, “HALF of America Pays NO taxes. Zero. So they're happy for the taxes to be raised on the half that DOES pay taxes.” He quickly removed it after he took some heat for those comments. Your response?

What do you want me to say, “
Go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” That is just communist talk. Those 50 percent should be taxed. You know how much the bottom 50 percent controls of this nation’s wealth, 2.5 percent. Two, point, five percent of the wealth. Roll me in barbeque sauce and call me rich. Tax them. Little Timmy does not need new shoes for school and who needs electricity. Candles worked just fine in my day. How are we going to balance our debt? Ask the richest 1 percent who have taken in 80 percent of the wealth this nation has produced the last thirty years to fork over the loose change in their couch cushions? I think not. Pastor Warren has his fingers on the pulse of what I care about.

Question #12: Some atheists want to take “In God We Trust” off the money. What would you say to them?

Ugh, I had that trouble with President Theodore Roosevelt. He was an evangelical Christian and felt that motto was sacrilegious. You know, that whole God and mammon thing. He said, “But it seems to me eminently unwise to cheapen such a motto by use on coins, just as it would be to cheapen it by use on postage stamps, or in advertisements." I don’t understand that logic at all. I mean how does it cheapen me to have my name on something that people snort coke with, pay hookers with, or use to pony up gambling debts? I watched a guy stick a dollar bill in a dancer’s g-string the other day and thought how could this be at all sacrilegious. Keep it on, I say.

Question #13: War on Christmas, real or not?

Real. I was in one of those massive department stores, you know the places that sell t-shirts and shoes made in sweat shops by child slave labor in Indonesia and drive local businesses into the ground, miles and miles of material stuff, and the sales lady said, “Happy holidays.” I just lost it. It is “Merry Christmas,” especially when you are greeting that former local businessman who is now stocking shelves.

Question #14: Tea Party Jesus, you seem rather judgmental of the poor in this country. Yet, when you were living in first century Israel you seemed rather gentle with them and loved them. Can you help me understand why you are so different in your attitudes now?

Okay, okay, hum, the stories of my life, well, the last parts of them were often cut out in editing. Take the story of the woman caught in adultery. She is this harlot, this strumpet, who is having sex out of marriage. The crowd is ready to stone her. I step in the middle of it all and say, “He who is without sin cast the first stone.” Now, the way it is reported, it is kind of a parable about judging people. But what has left on the editing room floor was that I then picked up the biggest rock and popped that chick in the head. Then I yelled to the crowd, “Your sins are forgiven. Have a field day stoning the babe.” Oh, the rocks, they a flew. The lazy poor deserve the same.

Question #15: Tea Party Jesus, how do you feel about several states now passing laws which allow guns to be carried in your houses of worship. Weren’t you called the Prince of Peace? Can you square this with me?

You silly liberal. Imagine how much more interesting my overturning the tables of the moneychangers in the temple and driving them out would have been if they had had guns. Okay, that is not a good example. What is more likely to happen? An accidental discharge of a gun or a mad dog killer breaking through the back door? I rest my case. Plus, have you ever had a disagreement with someone over religion? Next to politics, nothing is more soothing to the soul. I have never seen anyone get upset in church. I am the Prince of Peace. My piece is just a Saturday night special.

Question #16: Former Speaker of the House Newt Gringich has embraced family values, even though he has run through three marriages and even served one of his wives divorce papers when she was in the hospital battling cancer? Your thoughts?

The Newtster. Love, love, love that guy. He is a Roman Catholic now, you know. They have this thing called penance. You sin, you ask for forgiveness, and then you go do something to make up for the sin. For example, you do something racist. You might make up for it by working with inner-city children. Purification often takes time and you create yourself anew through acts of contrition. In a sense, it is called fake it ‘til you make it. Now the Newtenator, what did he do? Cheated on his wife for 7 years, had all kinds of ethics problems while Speaker of the House, his wife's whole cancer thing, went after the President for doing the same thing he was doing. Well, he made up for all that by… Give me time. Can you ask me tomorrow? I am sure I can come up with something by then. You just have to believe him. Would a politician ever lie about their faith for votes?

Question #17: Boxers or briefs?

You really have not been in church for a long time. Look up front, genius.

Question: Is it getting hot in here?

Only for you. Is that one of your questions?

Question #18: Okay, what do you think of illegal immigrants?

My earthly dad, Joseph, smuggled the family into Egypt when I was a kid. But, he made sure he did all the paperwork, waited the proper amount of time, and was approved by the Pharaoh. None of this "my family is starving, my children are in jeopardy, I need to make money, I am willing to work jobs no one else is, work 80 hours a week for next to nothing, get poisoned and cancer from the chemicals sprayed on the lawns and crops, cry me a river garbage". Leaches.

Question #19: For a while it was popular for kids to wear bracelets with “WWJD” on them. So…

Again, let me stop you right there. It should have been WWTPJD not WWJD, What Would Tea Party Jesus Do? Without direction those kids might read my book and think that greed is a bad thing, that the poor should be helped, that I am with the least of their brethren and sisters. It is kind of like the slaves. I mean those good hearted slave owners wanted better behaved workers, and not cause problems because they are not getting paid and being abused. So, they gave the slaves the Bible. What did those slaves get out of it? That I love them, am with them, and that I am about liberation. Gag. Not going to make that mistake again. Parents want well-behaved kids. Not kids questioning things and becoming a Democrat or something even worse, a liberal.

Well, we are going to have to stop again. I got a meeting with Glenn Beck in a minute or two. He thinks I am made in his image. Let's pick up again after the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas is a busy time for me. You know those Pilgrims started something when the Indians brought them food to keep them from starving. They thanked me and returned the favor to the Indians by giving them smallpox. Now, everybody is thanking me. It is like prayer spam. So, make your last question an easy one.

Question #20: Have you seen that painting of you being crucified? I believe it is called "Crucified Christ" by Francisco De Goya y Lucientes? The one kids do the YMCA photos with, with you being the “Y” and them doing the “MCA” arm motions.

Ha, ha, ha, yes. Hilarious, figuring out a way to burn in hell has never been more rib-tickling creative. Thanks.