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A Typical Day In President Barack Obama’s Life

5:30 a.m. – Rise. Feeling great. Ran for half-an-hour. Really close to running four-minute mile.

5:59 a.m. – Breaking story on Fox News: President fails again to break four-minute mile. Another massive failure by this administration. Shows his anti-oil bias.

6:00 a.m. – Dress. Man, I look great. Ask aide to confirm lunchtime meeting with Speaker of the House, John Boehner. Is that a gray hair?

6:01 a.m. – Boehner’s office calls back. Stating they know nothing about such meeting. But is interested in such lunchtime meeting in principle. Willing to negotiate. How is 3:30 p.m.?

6:02 a.m. – What about lunch hour is hard to understand? Tell his office noon to 1 p.m.

6:05 a.m. – Boehner’s office calls back. He is willing to compromise. 3:29 p.m.?

6:06 a.m. – Tell Speaker’s office that I can rearrange afternoon schedule. How about a 2:00 p.m. late lunch?

6:17 a.m. – Boehner ‘s office calls back. Willing to meet President halfway. 3:28 p.m.

6:18 a.m. – Told Speaker’s office, fine. My relationship with Congressional Republicans is of upmost importance. Must get jobs bill through. Tell aide to inform Girl Scouts of America I have to cancel Rose Garden meet and greet.

6:29 a.m. – Fox News reports President breaks little girls’ hearts. Much video of girls in green and brown uniforms crying.

6:30-7:55 a.m. – 15 briefings over the 500 pages I read the night before. Generals tell me terrorist, known by code name “nine of diamonds”, sighted in Afghanistan.

7:23 a.m. – Boehner’s office calls in middle of intelligence briefing. I am handed note asking about meal menu.

7:24 a.m. – Give note to aide to inform the speaker that I am thinking something healthy. Maybe fruit platter and juices.

7:26 a.m. - Boehner’s office responds that he is busy creating jobs, but is willing to negotiate. Whole milk and ribs?

7:28 a.m. – Having milk and cookies with daughters in half an hour. Burgers?

7:29 a.m. – Fox News has special report on President Obama’s anti-diary farmers stance.

7:30 a.m. – Tell Boehner’s office fine. Milk and ribs. Why is my eye twitching?

7:31-7:45 a.m. Time with my daughters. I am a lucky man to have such beautiful children.

7:59 a.m. – Boehner’s office calls. Will be late to lunchtime meeting due to the fact that he is creating jobs. Will arrive at 3:30 p.m.

8:00-9:00 a.m. - Meeting with grateful Libyan rebels. Many of them in tears over enjoying freedom for first time.

9:01 a.m. - Glenn Beck reports that President Obama makes Libyans cry.

9:05 a.m. – Intelligence reports state 50/50 chance “Nine of diamonds” has been spotted.

9:10 a.m. – CSPAN: Congress to spend the morning reaffirming that the “Stars and Stripes” is the flag of this country. It is called “The Jobs Creating American Flag Bill.”

9:15 a.m. - Storm hits coast of China. Thousands dead. Still proud that our assistance will save millions.

9:16 a.m. – New York Daily News reports thousands feared dead in China no thanks to Obamacare.

9:16-10:00 a.m. – Propped up the Euro. Saves Europe from economic disaster.

10:01 a.m. – CNN breaks regular news coverage, about cute kitty internet videos, to report that Kim Kardashian passed wind at a L.A. hotspot. Promises 24/7 coverage. Nancy Grace dispatched to get first hand accounts. What the heck? I just saved the world from going over the economic edge.

10:05 -11:45 a.m. - More meetings. Intelligence reporting subject, who is potentially “nine of diamonds”, is on the move.

11:16 a.m. - CNN using new holodeck technology to recreate Kim Kardashian’s flatulence. Wolf Blitzer states he will stay up all night until they get to the bottom of this incident, now called Dutch Oven-gate.

11:20-11:30 a.m. - Rush Limbaugh launches into rant about how President’s “Hollywood friend” is degrading culture, that, before Obama entered White House women did not pass gas.

11:40 a.m. – New poll shows President’s popularity rating falling due to Kardashian incident.

11:41 a.m. – Newt Gingrich holds press conference, stating that when he becomes President, Kim Kardashian will never be allowed to toot again. In fact, he will cut taxes on the upper 1 percent, which will give Americans the freedom to end

“cutting the cheese“, as we know it.

11:42 a.m. – Boehner’s office calls to confirm 3:28 p.m. lunch meeting of ribs and milk, which Boehner will show up for at 3:30 p.m. Since, he is so busy creating jobs, he was wondering if President could come to him for lunch meeting. Willing to meet President half way and set up table in Speaker’s office.

11:44 a.m. – Unseemly for President to go to Speaker. I am the President after all. Told aide I am willing to meet him on capital steps.

11:50 a.m. - Boehner on Rush’s show talking about how President Obama is impossible to work with and things are at an impasse.

11:56 a.m. – Kim Kardashian truther movement springs up on the Internet. Claims a conspiracy involving at least 27 special effects experts were involved.

11:58 a.m. – First billboard springs up in Arizona with slogan, “Where is the underwear, Mr. President?” It is Kim Kardashian. There is no underwear.

11:59 a.m. – Polls show that 60 percent of likely Republican voters believe that Kim Kardashian’s panties are in the same safety deposit box as the Obama’s “real” birth certificate. Why do I feel this tightness in my chest? Need to take my dog Bo for walk around White House grounds and then shoot some hoops.

12:01-1:00 p.m. – Walk dog on front lawn. Praise him for being house trained. Shoot hoops. Sink fourteen straight 3-pointers.

12:12 p.m. – Breaking Fox News coverage on latest Obama scandal: Bo the Presidential Dog dishonors the front lawn, the same front lawn that Ronald Reagan walked on.

1:01 p.m. – Sean Hannity decries President’s failure to hit fifteen 3-pointers, and is Obama “too elitist” for two-point buckets? Shouldn’t Democrats want to reward youngsters who make two-pointers with three points to make them feel good about themselves?

1:10-3:30 p.m. – Tracking movement of “Nine of Diamonds” minute by minute. Intelligence reports that, while they still cannot confirm identity, they believe he is on way to pick up a dirty bomb.

1:15 p.m. – Boehner on Hannity’s radio show lamenting the break down of lunchtime negotiations. He is willing to shut down the Congressional cafeteria if that is what it takes to bring President back to the table in good faith.

1:16 p.m. – Polls show President’s numbers continue to plummet, in light of Kardashian scandal and his inability to work with Republicans.

3:30-4:30 p.m. – Walk to Boehner’s office to have lunch to forestall the closing of the Congressional cafeteria. Enjoy ribs and milk. Feeling chest pains.

4:01 p.m. – Michele Bachmann on Fox. She blames what has become known as Dutch Oven-gate on the homosexuals. She then tells Mr. DeMille that she is ready for her close up.

4:45-5:00 p.m. – Time with my beautiful wife and children. Sasha asks what that new line on my face is. Mommy tells her it is a new wrinkle.

5:01-5:58 p.m. - Prepare for speech on my proposed jobs bill. Every few minutes getting updates on movements of subject who could be “Nine of Diamonds.”

5:59 p.m. – Intelligence fears they are going to lose subject who is potential “Nine of Diamonds” and ask for permission to terminate subject with drone attack. Give go ahead.

6:00-6:45 p.m. – Give jobs speech to American people.

6:46-700 p.m. – Republican response to speech given by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Never knew there were so many ways of saying, “And so is your mother.”

7:01 p.m. – Drone attack successful. Special forces racing to scene to see if he is the “Nine of Diamonds.”

7:02 p.m. – Almost every cable news network covering Dutch Oven-gate. Bill O’Reilly has proposed that there was a second tooter on the grassy knoll. Presidential popularity polls dropping like a rock. My back really hurts.

7:15 -10:00 p.m. - Quick decision making saves nuclear melt down in Nebraska plant, iron out trade agreement with Australia, and save kitten trapped in tree. Polls continue to drop.

10:05-10:20 p.m. - Rick Perry stopped on White House fence For some unknown reason he has “love” and “hate” tattooed on knuckles, a huge tattoo of a cross on his back, Bible verses all over his body, and he keeps saying, “Come out, come out wherever you are.” Spray him with hose and he runs away.

10:21 p.m. – Confirmed that the “Nine of Diamonds” is dead. Save nation from dirty bomb attack. Gosh darn it, I am good.”

10:22 p.m. – Michael Savage growls, barks, belches, howls and occasionally mutters incoherent gibberish into microphone. Another typical show.

10:25 p.m. – Polls show that approval rating in toilet.

10:30 p.m. – Mitt Romney knocks on Oval Office door and asks if he can measure drapes. Sigh, and tell him to go ahead.

10:31-sleep – 500 pages of reading to do. Why do I feel so old?