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A Bumper Sticker Life: We Really Need To Talk
It is time for a come to Jesus meeting about your automobile. How do I say this, your car is not an extension of your personality. It is four wheels and an engine, mass-produced by a faceless corporation, not your personal billboard so I can learn more about who you are. I do not care who you are. If I can learn your personal philosophy and political outlook while idling at a stoplight, you are not that deep and should be embarrassed. If I cannot talk you out of putting stickers on your bumper, I’ll throw some out I came up with on the way to the bathroom, in between topics we need to discuss.
Arizona: Making Mississippi look good for two decades now.
Honk If You Love Jesus… Fart If You Love Palin
Baby on Bored. Proud Tea Party Parent!
First off, truck nuts. If you have truck nuts dangling from the hitch of your pickup, take them off. A pair of swinging, plastic, flesh colored testicles are not funny, or even in a parallel universe, cool, just crude. No woman is ever going to see them and say, “I thought he was a Cretan, but now that I see those truck nuts, I have got to have a long drink of him. He is classy with a capital C.” There is a reason the highlight of your weekend is drinking a six pack of red, white and blue, and afterwards trying to tip a cow. Now having talked to a lot of you hillbillies, I also know you give your trucks female names and refer to it in the feminine. “She is running a little rough,” “She’s my baby,” and so on. Now, what does it say about you that you want a pair of testicles hanging from “her”?
Cops <Heart> Doughnuts… I know, I know, I’m Pulling Over
He Who Farts In Church Gets Lots of Leg Room
Come to Montana: 5 Out Of 6 White Supremacists Cannot Be Wrong
In Case of Rapture, I’ll Be Driving A Better Car.
Your car is not a phone both, a restaurant, a cosmetology counter, or a changing room (unless you got a great figure). Unless you are helping land an airplane, or walking someone through open heart surgery, there is no excuse not to say, “I am going to pull over in a minute or two. I’ll call you back.” The last few weeks I have seen people reading a book, texting, and watching a small television in their lap while driving. As much as I want to see your head bouncing down the highway like a soccer ball, pay attention to the road. Remember driver’s ed., hands at ten and two o’clock.
Behind Every Successful Man There Is A Woman Waiting For Her Alimony Check.
Marriage Is A Sacred Institution Between A Man & A Woman. Just Ask Rush’s 4th Wife.
Don’t Bother Knockin’ If This Trailer’s Rockin’. Send Your Hot Wife Instead.
That dream catcher dangling from your rearview mirror. Unless your dream is like mine, and involves you falling from a high building to your death, take it down. Judging by the car you are driving, the sacred Indian talisman that you bought at the hallowed, venerable Kum & Go for $5.99 has worked as well as a Norwegian dance party. Real Native Americans find all your New Age mumbo jumbo artifacts offensive. It is like stirring your ice tea with a crucifix. I get it. You are spiritual. I am full of gas after the McDonald’s I just ate. You don’t see me hanging a Big Mac from my mirror. What I have said about dream catchers, also applies to beads, plastic flower leis, naked chick air fresheners that smell, and stuffed animals on a string. Rearview mirrors are for seeing the cars behind you, or the serial killer hiding in your backseat, not for dangling meaningless crap which blocks your vision.
When The Chips Are Down, It Is Probably Time To Feed The Cow
Glenn Beck For Dummies… It Is Kind Of Redundant
Libertarians: We’re Not Just Freaks & Weirdos Anymore
Sometimes A Cigar Is Just A Cigar, But A Gun Is Always About the Size of Your Willy.
Religious bumper stickers. First, it is nice to know you love Jesus, that he saves, and is coming back, and thanks for warning me that your car will be driverless when the rapture occurs, that will certainly help my defensive driver training. Much like “In God We Trust” on the money, somehow I doubt anyone has been saved by seeing your jingoistic bumper sticker made by a twelve year old in Communist China, that will be clogging up a landfill for the next thousand years. You are a tool, a Pharisee thumping his chest to get Biblical with you. Let me see your car in front of a Habitat for Humanity house, a prison, or a homeless shelter, not the big box store, a shaker bar, or an all-you-can-eat buffet. Here is a novel idea. Be a nice person. Somehow I doubt Jesus would be driving a gas guzzling SUV. I know that Jesus loves you, but by your actions on the road I am starting to think he has a restraining order against you. Everyone is part of the body of Christ. Some people are the head, some the arms, some the voice, and others, the brains. By annoying other drivers with your stickers, you are just being the assh…never mind.
Jesus Was An Illegal Alien in Egypt
Is This Heaven? No, It Is Iowa. You Really Need To Get Your Eyes Checked.
Where’s The Birth Certificate? In Hawaii, You Racist Moron.
God Hates Fags, But Loves A Good Broadway Show
Liberals stop rattling the monkeys’ cages. I know the Darwin fish symbol is hilarious and cute, but you are dealing with people who think there is a war against Christmas, Fox News is fair and balanced, and the President is a godless Communist who hates America, instead of the Nigerian Muslim Socialist we all know and love. Take the $2.50 your Green Peace sticker cost, and really give it to Green Peace. I know Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and Glenn Beck are easy targets, but so is the back of your car. At the end of a long, hard day of work, there does not need to be a political discussion in rush hour traffic. I just want to get home and surf the Internet like God intended me to. I get it. You are smart, read, and think tie-dye looks great. Stop being smug. Pot brownies taste like crap, acupuncture, and holistic medicine are mostly garbage, and if you think being born into a plastic pool filled with fecal matter and bacteria is natural and good for a baby, why don’t other primates do it? Grow up.
In 6 Days God Created The Heavens and the Earth.
The 7th He Watched The Hawkeyes. On The 8th He Created Enemas.
Women, Can’t Live With Them… Want To Get A Drink With Me.
He Who Laughs Last Probably Has To Have The Joke Explained To Them.
As cool as it is to see that stick figure recreation of your family and your ugly dog decal, remove it. I know you are a proud parent, but you’re an embarrassment to your children, and are just letting child molesters know what school to go to find your kids. Every child is special in their parent’s eyes, but I don’t need to know that he is on the honor roll at his elementary school. It’s not Harvard. He or she did not win the Noble Prize, or were nominated to the Supreme Court. I can guarantee you they have done something in the last week that would make a doctor check to see if they ate lead paint chips as an infant. I know you are living through your child and their success strokes your ego, but remember how you were at that age. They are probably the same. Now, remove the sticker.
God Is My Co-Pilot… But He Bailed Out 2 Blocks Back.
Condoms Are Easier To Put On Than Diapers. Just Ask My 7 Kids.