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A Capitalist, Conservative Republican Alternative To Obamacare

Keep your government hands off my Medicare – A Tea party sign.

I was at the local box store filled with its plastic crap and plebeians grazing. It said so much to me about the detrimental affects of the Barack Obama Presidency, that too many of these Cretans dared to actually look me in eye. Clearly they did not understand the hierarchy of life, who their betters are, and how they should act. They might dare to dream of being me, as long as it causes them to lower my taxes, but their lack of Adonis DNA and tiger’s blood will always keep them in their natural place.

Then came that sound from behind me, that emboldening noise that one of these underlings would dare to make in my presence, solely because a Democrat is in the White House, a cough, a single gastro-esophageal reflux. One of these underlings was trying to clear their breathing passages of a secretion, irritant, microorganism, or foreign particle in my presence. How dare, how dare, how dare one of these slack-jawed yokels think of getting sick? Just another excuse to be lazy, to lie in bed, and whine about their lot in life, and try to sponge a hard earned buck off of me.

They have chosen their lot in life. They could have been me, chosen multi-millionaire parents, chosen to have the finances, to go to the best private schools in the nation, had their fathers call their country club buddies to get them a job in the upper management of a fortune 500 company, and arranged for themselves a great benefit package. Instead, they chose to belong to the great unwashed. So, why should I care if one of these hillbillies gets sick, and dies. More parking for me is all I can say. The meek might inherit the earth, but only after people like myself have used it up and figured a way off this rock.

That is what I was saying to my caddy, John Boehner, the other day. Why should I care that one-sixth of these Lilliputians don’t have insurance? Most of them are minorities anyway. So what if 45,000 of these knuckle draggers die every year needlessly, because of lack of insurance? Why should I care that health care costs are outpacing inflation, and that middle class workers are feeling the pinch. Maids, housekeepers, factory workers, small businessmen, and teachers, are a dime a dozen. The world can get by without them, but not without me.

Then along comes this Kenyan tribesman who thinks he has the right to take away my hard earned money to help these freeloaders. A crafty one he is, repackaging a conservative plan proposed by my pool boy, Bob Dole, in the 1990s and claiming it is reasonable. But, my friends (fiends) on Fox News and talk radio communicated the truth to their zombie audience and called it Obamacare, instead of the 1990s Republican plan, which would have been embarrassing. They even stressed that we need to scrap it, have more debate, even though we had been talking about it for more than a year. It would have kicked it down the road another two or three decades, or until another Democrat, wanting to betray his or her class, would take up the cause, and go down to defeat again. After all, I might have to give up a night at Nygard Cay Beach Resort so one of these Neanderthals could get their kid medical care. We have emergency rooms, collection agencies, and stiff bankruptcy laws for that. Dr. Montgomery and I have a four o’clock tee time at Shadow Creek. He went to medical school for a reason, and not because he wanted to deal with a government bureaucrat. He went to medical school to deal with corporate bureaucrats, who prescribe his medical treatments for the handful of patients who have insurance that he is willing to see. Hippocrates might have had an oath, but that Greek homosexual did not have a $1,700,000 Bugatti Veyron and a vacation home in the Hamptons to pay for.

Still, I am not without heart, being a venerable credit to the best bloodlines of humanity. With fine Republican judges like Roger Vinson of Florida and Henry Hudson of Virginia, men of honor and ideology, rightly ruling that the flotsam and jetsam of the Homo sapien DNA pool should not be forced, and more importantly financially helped, to buy private insurance. It is just plain wrong to ask these people to be responsible. It is socialism, socialism I say, and socialism is always wrong… like public education, land grant colleges, social security, farm bills (should be called “the cheap food for the middle class” bill), care for the elderly and welfare. All socialism teaches is laziness, and relying on the forced kindness of their betters, like myself. It is not the government’s job, or basically my hard earned and, more importantly, inherited money to feed them or teach them to fish. If they cannot make their own fishing poles from tree branches and shoestrings, find a river in which my factories have not pumped mercury into the water contaminating the fish, is it my fault? (And what is wrong with a little mercury in a fish, a third eye might help their offspring find tin cans in the street, and webbed feet might make them better pool cleaners.)

Let it never be said that I do not care about the miscreants of humanity. Who would sell me my suits, clean out my toilets, and make my shoes? There must be a completely capitalist way of giving them the health care they need to continue performing the tasks they were born into the world to do, without it costing me a dollar and encouraging them to continue breeding. My tax burden is so crushing already, that I could almost not afford to eat the Italian White Alba truffles that I was craving so much last night.

After many a sleepless night, with only my masseuse to rub me down on my private jet, I came up with the free market solution to this so-called health care crisis, one that any good Republican would be proud to back, and more importantly, could tell their ditto-heads what to think. The answer was right before me, advertising, that is right, advertising. Corporate logos and brand names mean everything. Advertising has kept television and radio free, well, except for cable and satellite radio, which still have advertising, but are not free. Let’s invite corporate America in to solve the health care crisis.

I am thinking corporate branding for the lazy poor. Get a vernal disease? I am sure Trojan, or another condom company, would step forward to tattoo the midsection as a reminder. Cannot afford to give birth in a hospital? I know my friends at Pepsi-Cola would step forward to see Mountain Dew be put down as the child’s first name on a birth certificate. Why should taxpayers pay for the poor dietary habits of bloated, reality television watchers? Stroke or heart bypass? Cheetos tattooed across your forehead. Smoker? Maybe ten or so years of answering the phone, “John, here, brought to you by the good folks at Phillip Morris,” to pay the bills. Diabetes? I know my friends at Mars Incorporated, would step forward if, before you got your shot, you had to find a neighborhood kid and inform them of the chocolate covered, peanutty, nougatty goodness of Snickers. Maybe a nice little decal of a wrapper on the stump where your leg used to be? T-shirts and tote bags to be carried 24/7 for vaccinations and checkups. I am sure Domino’s would be at the forefront of that because it would take 30 minutes or less. Body alterations by Post Pop Tarts for a chance to climb in an MRI machine. A nice Golden arches for a tramp stamp for those young ladies who get a yeast infection. Why should my tax dollars be used for those clogging up our courthouses, declaring bankruptcy because some mouth breather takes a steering wheel in the lap in an auto accident, when Beanie Weenies from Hormel needs a walking billboard? Stupid enough to be born with some pre-existing condition, that is going to kill you early? Who would be against Cisco in a can being be stamped on your coffin, and the minister reminding folks that Wal-Mart has a great deal on televisions until Tuesday, if you just mention the deceased’s name!