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Arizona, Again

It is almost like Nurse Ratched forgot to pass out the meds, accidentally left the side door open, and all the patients got out and elected to political office in Arizona. Every week, I wonder how, in the stupidity sweepstakes, the “Copper State” is going to top itself and somehow, somehow they channel their inner Sam I Am and do it. I thought there was no way possible they could beat allowing people to carry firearms in bars, because alcohol and bullets go together like peanut butter and chocolate. Their Congresswoman gets shot and they do it. Instead of having the class and sensitivity to realize they should wait a year or two before adopting an official firearm, full speed ahead. Next, they allow guns on college campuses. Now, how could they possibly top themselves?

They are debating allowing people to carry firearms at sporting events, let me repeat, sporting events, because there is not a more rational and reasonable group in the world, than a bunch of body-painted rabid fans with big foam #1 fingers and Glocks supporting their team. I can just imagine watching an Arizona Cardinals game, and hearing the announcer intone, “The quarterback goes back to pass. Five seconds left. Tie game. He is looking down field. He avoids a tackler. He lets go of the ball. Oh, my God, Larry Fitzgerald has got the ball. Touchdown! Touchdown! Touchdown! Cardinals win! Wait; there is a flag on the play. It is looking like offensive pass interference. [Sound of a thousand gun hammers being cocked.] Wait. I think the ref just pooped himself. He is signaling touchdown. We win again. We are an amazing 8-0 at home. Who would have thought?”

Now to be fair, if alcohol is served, signs are posted and gun safes are provided, if a team desires it, the weapons will have to be stored. So, in other words, the Cardinals, Diamondbacks, and Suns will have to spend thousands of dollars on gun safes, metal detectors, security personal, employees to act like hat check girls, and have to come up with a policy about tipping when you pick up your pistol. [“Dear Abby: I cannot go anywhere without my gun. I love her. When she is in my pants, I feel like a man. I know there are police and security everywhere at these games, but when she has to stay home things are not the same. I am wondering what a fair tip to the nice girl who checks my gun at Diamondbacks’ games would be. Signed A Senior With A Six Shooter.]

Still, that leaves out high school and many college events. The only thing more insane than a grown overweight man wearing a football jersey two sizes too small is a parent trying to live out his or her fantasy through their kid. That is where the real freaks come out to play. Go to a local high school game sometime. Much like the zoo, where the real fun is not watching the animals but watching the people watch the animals, nothing is more entertaining than watching Ma and Pa Kettle becoming way too involved in a game. A game that will only be remembered on a psychiatrist’s couch fifteen years later, as their child tries to figure out why their marriage did not work out. There are the fathers who believe their son is going to be the next Mickey Mantle, the mothers who think her baby should be starting if that coach knew his elbow from his ankle, and the grandparents jerking, twisting and contorting with each of junior’s movements and screaming stuff that would make George Carlin blush. Then there are a bunch of kids crying because of the pressure they are under and they are embarrassed by their parents’ behavior. Now mix in some handguns. It is like Norman Rockwell on acid. What could possibly go wrong with this situation? If they could mix in a few Ninja throwing stars and some bulletproof glass for myself, I could not imagine a better evening.

Oh, the law gets better. Events like Sesame Street Live, Disney on Ice and The Wiggles, any event that does not serve alcohol, would have to allow patrons to carry their guns. A Dead Wiggle? Be still my heart. Add Barney, one of the Bananas in Pajamas, and Blues from “Blue’s Clues” and I would almost vote for it. It could even get me to buy a Justin Bieber ticket. While the wizard told Dorothy to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, to believe this law would be good idea one must pay no attention to the mentally ill stalkers of celebrities. (Just type in “celebrities who’ve been stalked” into Google if you want some fun reading.) If I was a major star, especially a controversial one, the moment this bill became law, I would be striking the Grand Canyon State off my itinerary. Now I know what gun nuts are screaming right now. If other people in the crowd had guns, they would stop the shooter in a heartbeat. A firefight in a crowd of ankle biters, just imagine the refrigerator art that grandparents are going to be able to hang up out of that one. Here is the thing that the NRA is not going to tell you. Pulling out a gun and shooting another human being is tough, really tough, especially the closer you get. In a traumatic situation, most people are too shocked to pull out their weapon. Two bystanders in the shooting of Congresswoman Giffords had guns on them. While everyone thinks they are going to be Rambo in a stressful situation, they are more often Don Knotts.

This law could not get any better could it? Yes, my child, it could. It also applies to courts, libraries and city council chambers. Okay, take a moment to digest the idea of allowing people to pack heat in these places. Libraries, except for students, researchers and foreigners, are the islands of broken humanity in our cities. They are places where people who might have a mental issue or two gather during the day when they have nowhere else to go. They can check their email, surf the net, and mainly not get hassled. Librarians are extremely kind to them. Now give these broken people guns. One does not have to be Carnac the Magnificent to predict the outcome.

Courts. Who would not want stressed out families to have AK-47s during a trial, especially if the defendant is let off on a technicality? Heck, I have watched people lose their minds over parking tickets, or having to be on jury duty. Although on the positive side, divorce and child custody hearings could be sold as pay-per-views. City Council Meetings. Next to religion nothing stirs the blood like politics, especially local politics.

Given Arizona’s gun laws, I would like to extend a hand to the Black Panther Party to reorganize and set up their national headquarters in Phoenix. It was a great travesty that you were not allowed to carry loaded firearms to protect the black community and yourselves from crooked police officers and FBI agents. COINTELPRO documents clearly prove that illegal means were used to try to destroy your organization, evidence was planted and phony cases were manufactured. Police brutality was a real problem across the nation, especially with the LAPD. After a shootout in 1967, Governor Ronald Regan, the secular saint of conservatism, signed the Mulford Act, which prohibited the carrying of loaded firearms in public. Strangely, the NRA and the rightwing did not support your right to bear arms. You have a home in Arizona, a place that will love you and stand side-by-side with you. Nothing will make them happier than a big, strong, tough-looking African-American gentleman carrying a gun and chanting “black power.” Somehow, I think the speed that Arizona Republicans would move to toughen up gun control would make Roger Bannister look like a tortoise on downers.

Ultimately, like most Arizona laws, if it passes it will be overturned in time. As much as the state likes to see itself as the Wild West, money ultimately talks. If Arizona is seen as the Mississippi of the West, people will not want to come there. Companies with large Hispanic work forces will not want to relocate there. Celebrities will not want to perform there. Money ultimately does all the talking.