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The Legion of Birthers

Year: 1960. Location: Somewhere in the Okefenokee Swamp

Banded together from remote galaxies are thirteen of the most sinister progressives of all time, The Legion of Liberals. Dedicated to a single objective, the conquest of the United States, and free health care. Only one group dares to challenge this intergalactic threat: the Republicans. Deep within a bleak and dismal swamp, hidden beneath its murky waters, lay the headquarters of these most sinister villains of all time.

Present around their horseshoe table sits a young George Soros, Hugh Hefner, Teddy Kennedy, Russell Means, Gloria Steinem, a six-year-old Michael Moore, future Goldwater Girl Hillary Clinton, Madeline Murray O’Hare, newborn Sean Penn, Mr. Rogers, Malcom X, Barney the Dinosaur, and a Petri dish that contains the zygote of one of the future Dixie Chicks.

“Well, that is our plan for the domination of America,” intones Kennedy. Young Hillary Clinton looks up from her coloring book and says, “I don’t get it. Can you explain it again?” Kennedy repeats, “In 2008 America will elect our puppet, a Kenyan named Barack Hussein Obama, to the Presidency, bwa, ha, ha!”

“Yes, Hillary?” “I don’t get it. Why am I going to have to throw the race?” she replies.

“What don’t you get?” Teddy asks. “This whole conspiracy of us pretending that he is born in Hawaii,” she replied. “He has a white mother and black father. I mean, just three years ago, the Supreme Court ruled in Loving vs. Virginia, that no state could create a law forbidding interracial marriage. Those Southerners are touchy about black men having sex with white women, and America will accept a child of one of these marriages, in only forty years? Can I have a cookie?” “Yes and yes,” Kennedy replied.

“Then, his father is going to be a Muslim, and later an atheist? No offense, Malcolm. I love these cookies.” X answered, “Sister Hillary, no offense taken. We didn't land on Plymouth Rock. The rock was landed on us. It is time for the black man and our Nubian sisters to run this country for a while. My only sadness is, I will have to watch it from afar, as I will be living on my island with Teddy’s brothers, Jim Morrison, and Elvis, to celebrate.”

Michael Moore interrupted, “I am sensing that Stem Cell Dixie Chick wants you to go over the plan, again.” “Okay,” Kennedy answered. “We will pretend this young Kenyan child was born at Kapi'olani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital, Honolulu, Hawaii. We have people on the inside of the hospital who will pretend that he was really born there, if anyone asks. We will also plant a number of individuals on the island who will claim to remember his birth, and will even claim to have sent a present or two to the family. Later on, the state of Hawaii will claim that a birth certificate is on file, even though one is not. A doppelganger for this youngster called, Pho-rack, really a midget who we have used for years, will be flown into state for the first six years, so that people in Honolulu will see him, and family photos of young Barack can be taken with his ‘mother.’ After that, his ‘mother’ will fall in love with a new man, they will go overseas with the kid, and we will switch the Pho-rack, with Barack. If anyone suspects that this is not the real Barack, we will kill them.”

Baby Sean Penn then said, “What about the announcement of his birth? Only the state can send such notices to the newspapers, in Hawaii. It is not like we can just manufacture old newspapers. People kind of like such things, especially other parents who had children that day, and people who own thirty cats and horde things. Would someone change my diaper?”

Kennedy, looking perplexed, replied, “We will plant the story. We have someone in the local newspaper’s office. If that does not work, my black ops team will sneak into every house, library, and school in Hawaii and the rest of the nation and replace each and every copy of that day’s paper. If they can fake a car accident on a remote bridge, so that I will not be President, they can certainly handle replacing a few newspaper clippings.”

Hugh Hefner thumped his fist on the table and said, “Genius!” Kennedy continued, “The state of Hawaii will even invite in several reporters and organizations to view the original birth certificate when Barack is running for the POTUS, and is President, but they will all be on our payroll.”

Barney roared, “What about those super friends called the Tea Party, who are going to protest his increasing their taxes, even though he will have lowered them?”

Teddy slapped his head, “I know, I know. We have called Hollywood and they will dispatch some of their D-list friends to join in the tea bagging, including Manchurian candidate Pat Boone, Gallagher, Victoria Jackson, and some guy who will play a mailman in a show about a bar in Boston. They are going to act all crazy. We are also going to get elected in Minnesota, a woman for Congress who looks one step away from being Baby Jane, also an S and M hockey mom from Alaska who has the superpower to see Russia from her window, and a witch. We will even plant a few misspelled signs, crazy dudes with guns, and Uncle Sam and Revolutionary War outfits that look like they were made by their moms. Nobody is going to take seriously a movement with nuts like that in charge.”

Mr. Rogers said, “Well, it is certainly a beautiful day in the neighborhood. But what do we hope to accomplish under his Presidency?” Teddy answered, “All our liberal dreams. He is going to bail out the capitalists on Wall Street, save the nation from a Depression, save the auto industry, keep the nation safe from terrorism, be a steady voice to the international community, and will provide a formerly conservative Republican plan for universal health care while maintaining our private insurance industry.” Teddy leaped up and said, “To green power and low flow toilets!” The Legion of Doom stood and celebrated their genius.

To be a birther, one has to believe in this level of conspiracy. Black helicopter time. A few little problems. In a recent survey, 51 percent of likely Republican voters believe that Barack Obama was not born in this country. At least eight Congressman and several Presidential candidates give lip service to the garbage. The state of Arizona is passing a birther law. It is all an attempt to delegitimize Barack Obama’s Presidency. The old saying “seeing is believing” is incorrect. In reality, people see what they want to believe. If he was not born in this country, he cannot possibly be President.

I have talked to birthers. Their beliefs usually come down to fuzzy thinking, that he just does not seem “American,” i.e. he is black and has a funny name, unlike Mitt, Newt, and Pawlenty. When you are against someone, you look for any reason, even the thinnest reed, to despise him or her. A major American political party is controlled by people wearing tinfoil helmets. It should be a concern for everyone. Yet, I love the nuts. It is one of the reasons I am proud to be an American, like Barack Obama.