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Neidermeyer

Mohammad, Jugdish, Sydney and Clayton: The Republican Field

Neidermeyer: "Hey there fellows, I'd like you to meet Ken and Lonny."

 Larry: "Larry." 

Neidermeyer: "Ken, Lonny, I'd like you to meet..." 

Larry: "Larry." 

Neidermeyer: "Mohammad, Jugdish, Sydney, and Clayton.” – Animal House

The great Hall-of-Fame baseball manager, Casey Stengel, who had won seven World Series in twelve years, at the end of his career moved across town to manage the woeful 1962 expansion New York Mets. Looking for there is a “silver-lining in an otherwise disastrous year” story, several reporters peppered the aging baseball genius about what he thought of a particular young pitcher in camp. The twenty-year-old looked like a star in the making to them. Stengel, taking his hat off, rubbed what was left of his graying hair, said, “If the kid is really lucky, in ten years, he has a chance to be thirty.” Looking at the Republican field of candidates, if they are really lucky, in two years, they might get a chance to meet a President of the United States and maybe stand on a stage with him.

While clearly 2012 will be a referendum on Barack Obama’s Presidency, the GOP field will never be confused with the 1927 New York Yankees. Heck, they are going to have to do a lot of heavy lifting to not be associated in the same breath with the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-14), the 2008 Detroit Lions (0-18), or the 1899 Cleveland Spiders (20-134). The Republican Presidential candidates are like a “Seinfeld” reunion with only Crazy Joe Davola and Kenny Bania showing up.

It is not the Republican Party’s fault. Usually the leading candidates are known by the time the banners and posters of the previous election are taken down and the bumper stickers peeled off the cars. In the aftermath of John Kerry’s debacle it was clear that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were the two leading lights of the Democratic Party. Twelve years earlier George W. Bush was given the baton as Bob Dole rode into the sunset to do Pepsi and ED commercials. The GOP’s towel-snapping, not-so-bright, frat rat candidate for 2008, George Allen, stepped in the macaca during his reelection bid for Senate two years beforehand. Then, their two leading sons of privilege candidates for 2012, John Ensign and Mark Sanford, tripped and accidentally fell on top of some women. There are big lessons for you, children. Don’t have your parents pay hush money if you decide to sleep with one of the wives of your top aides. Be careful when hiking down the Appalachian Trail. Do not take a wrong turn, or you might find yourself in Argentina playing Romeo and Juliet with your political career, with a woman you have only met a handful of times previously.

So, what are we left with? A motley crew, basically a group of political water coolers. Now, it is never the best man or woman who wins the Presidential nomination, but rather the most acceptable. The problem with the Republican field is, it is a barrel full of bad apples, and conservative voters will be desperately searching for a candidate who will not get laughed off the stage standing next to Barack Obama. So, who is the leading candidate to emerge out of the GOP clown car?

Most talking heads and media pundits believe former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is the odds on favorite. He looks like a President, or at least the animatronics Disney Hall of Presidents version. He has a business background, has held public office and Republicans can ironically wave off flip-flops, like they did in 2004 at their convention from another Massachusetts politician. He could overcome all of that, but there is no way he is going to overcome a good chunk of his party staying home in November. The religious right might think that Obama is a secret Kenyan Muslim, but they are not going to vote for a self-proclaimed Mormon. All apologies to the Church of Latter Day Saints, and fans of “Big Love”, but you are the redheaded stepchildren of the GOP. They like that you are willing to fund anti-gay measures and are good foot soldiers, but evangelicals don’t think you are Christians and will worship at the Sacred Church of St. Mattress, on election day. The Rapture Right would rather stay home than vote for a Mormon. This is not my opinion. I could care less what God or gods he or she kneels before as long as it does not affect common sense. Still, Mitt is such a great name for a President. Maybe we can get a Buffy for Secretary of Defense, and Reginald Van Gleason III as Treasure Secretary.

Donald Trump proves that you too can be born to fabulous wealth, and, through hard work and gumption, go belly up until you are forced to rub elbows with Gary Busey and Meat Loaf on a low rent reality show. He is promising the same for America. Maybe he can get one of the ice road truckers to accept the veep slot and the “Situation” to be Secretary of Defense? Now, I would look forward to him placing a neon Trump sign on the front of the White House, gold lamé tile in the hall, and him insulting every leader in the world. America is a white trash expo and our POTUS should be the head hillbilly. Still, it is not going to happen. Why? The Donald would have to make all his financial records public, and the emperor is not going to risk the world seeing he has no clothes. While a tree might grow in Brooklyn, whatever is growing on the top of his head certainly will not relocate to Washington.

Then, there are the two fossils – Newt Gingrich and Rick “Man on Dog” Santorum. I have met a doctor named Roxie, a professor named Bambi and nuclear scientist named Misty, but I somehow doubt I will ever see a President named Newt, Toad, Skunk or Eel. Dr. Gingrich is often called the intellect of the Republican Party, which should tell you how much intellectual trouble the party is in, but he is clearly not the moral conscious. I am not talking about his love for this country that caused him to grease the sheets with a young staff member while trying to impeach President Clinton for the same thing, or serving his cancer-ridden wife divorce papers while in the hospital, although that would make a beautiful biopic moment. I am talking about the slimy ways he has made money since leaving office and the ethical violations that caused his fellow Republican Congressmen to show him the exit as Speaker of the House.

As for Santorum, the voters of his own state kicked him out of office by 18 percent in 2006, a landside. Why? There are the attacks on homosexuality, comparing it to bestiality and incest, the Islamic fascist garbage, his urging for National Guard troops to be dispatched along the Mexican border, and his promotion of intelligent design. He is not your father’s George Wallace. George Wallace never seriously proposed making masturbation illegal. Santorum did. Seriously, he did. If that act were illegal, the average teenager would be Machine Gun Kelly. When a candidate wants to turn 95 percent of males and 89 percent of female Americans into criminals, and have police kicking in bedroom doors, Houston, we have a problem! The only way this former Pennsylvania Senator is going to gain access to the Oval Office is if he gets a job as a White House janitor.

How about Herman Cain, 65-year-old former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, and more importantly, Stage IV cancer survivor? If Herman Cain turned up missing tomorrow, the American people would never see his picture on the side of a milk carton, because I am not sure if even Herman Cain’s wife knows what he looks like. Even though he is a novelty candidate, much like Paul Tsongas and Elizabeth Edwards before him, the Presidential sweepstakes is a meat grinder and, for the sake of his health, I hope he leaves the race early.

Next on deck are Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin, the Thelma and Louise of misplaced common sense. Both are pinup models for the tea party crowd, poster children as to why we need a good education system in America, and both tell such falsehoods that if Richard Nixon came back from the dead, after watching them on the stump, he would write a book called Reclaiming The Virtue of Honesty. It is only a matter of time until one of them is found in a hotel bathroom with chunks of hair cut out of their head, lipstick smeared across their face, trying to do their best impression of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. Both are unelectable. Iowa might have the governor with the porn star mustache, but Minnesota has the Congresswoman with the crazy eyes.

There are two libertarian candidates in the field, Ron Paul and Gary Johnson. I have a big libertarian streak in me when it comes to personal conduct, but as someone who loves history I cannot find one instance where it has ever worked on an economic level. It looks great in the showroom, but always breaks down blocks from the dealership. If you like boom and bust cycles, the nineteenth century, poisoned dog food, unsafe cars, fecal tainted food, and lead in your paint then these two candidates are for you.

The only three real candidates are Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, and Chris Christie, if he jumps on a treadmill. All are solid, all are governors or former governors, all are white guys who can fill a suit, and all on the stump can make audiences long for the days of watching paint dry and water evaporate. There is also John Thune from the king making state of South Dakota, Rev. Will B. Dunn, I mean Rev. Mike Huckabee, Mike Pence from Indiana, and maybe the best candidate of all, “The Simpsons” water cooler. All currently claim to be not running. But in the zombie wasteland known as the Republican field, any of them could jump in at a moment’s notice. That water cooler is looking more attractive all the time.

It is Barack Obama’s race to lose. High gas prices and Republican budget cuts in our financially tender economy are what is going to make or break this President, not anyone from this field. The press will try to make it a horserace, even if they have to ignore that it is a thoroughbred taking on a Shetland pony. Still, if I were a Republican, I would be praying that a candidate named Mohammad, Jugdish, Sydney, or Clayton emerges on the horizon. Those four are better than what the Republicans have right now.