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Fantasy Baseball and Reality
A few years ago.
You think she would know me better than to bother me when I am watching a game.
Former girlfriend: “Are you ready to go out?”
Me: “Just a minute. Sports Center is almost over. This is really important. ”
Former Girlfriend: “Aren’t you going to say something?”
She must be in one of those moods.
Me: “About what? Can you get out of the way of the tv. Thank you.”
Former girlfriend: “My hair.”
Me: “Oh, you look nice. Move please.”
Former Girlfriend: “My sister called me today…”
Me: “That is nice, ssshhh… a little bit.”
Former girlfriend: “Why are you looking so depressed?”
Me: “My pitcher’s arm fell off.”
Former girlfriend: “You and that fantasy baseball. Pitchers lose control of their pitches all the time.”
Me: No, no, you don’t understand. My pitcher’s arm fell off - arm go bye-bye - literally he lost his arm on the mound. His name is Dave Dravecky of the San Francisco Giants that year. He threw a pitch and his arm snapped. The doctors had to amputate. I am going to be depressed for at least a month over this because it looked like I was in the hunt.”
Former girlfriend: “Haven’t we had this discussion before?”
Me: “No, no, you’re thinking of Steve Olin, the closer for the Cleveland Indians and he lost his head. Please, a moment.”
Former girlfriend: “Huh? You mean he went a little nuts?”
Me: “No, no, he literally lost his head. He was out drinking and boating with two of his teammates, late at night, and they drove into a dock. I had him under contract. So, I had to carry a headless pitcher on my roster for two years. You cannot imagine the snickers you get when you announce your roster to eleven other guys in a room and you have to say a dead guy’s name.”
Former girlfriend: “No, I would remember that.”
Me: “Maybe you are thinking of Darryl Kile of the St. Louis Cardinals? I had him under a two-year contract as well after he died of a heart attack. For some reason, after that, guys stopped wanting to make trades with me after that. Can we just be quiet for a few minutes?
Former girlfriend: “Oh, I just got that big project at work done… Are you listening to me?”
Me: “Huh? ... Why are you crying? Where are you going? Jesus!”
Fantasy or rotisserie baseball is where grown up men using statistics pretend to be the manager of real major league players. Your team of players is made up of various players from across the league becomes the most important thing in the world to you and the least interesting thing in the world to everyone else. Like parents talking about how amazing their child is, you do not think you are going to do it but at some point you will be regaling a total stranger with your amazing eye for talent or that steal of a trade you made two years ago.
An owner will actually root against their real life favorite team if their fantasy player is up to bat or taking the mound. “Damn the Cubs. So what if they have not won a World Series in a century, I have Aroldis Chapman of the Cincinnati Reds of the mound and I need a save. There is always next year.”
Let me regale you with some of the talent I have had the last few years.
John Rocker, Closer, Atlanta Braves. There are thousands of young men who have played major league baseball, a few hundred will make the Hall-of-Fame, but the number who have inspired a television show can be counted on one hand. John Rocker is one of them. The problem is the Macon, Georgia native is the genesis for the self-deluded, homophobic, racist, steroid-abusing relief pitcher Kenny Powers in Will Ferrell/HBO’s comedy series “Eastbound & Down.”
Now ignorant athletes are a dime a dozen but most are smart enough to have a filter, especially around a Sports Illustrated writer. Rocker’s remarks would have made Archie Bunker blush. While he might have been one of the top closers in the National League at the time, the sport had no choice to suspend the star for the beginning of the 2000 season. Fears of a riot were so great when the Braves visited the New York Mets that over 700 police officers patrolled the stands and beer sales were limited. To protect the rest of the players, Rocker had to wait a half-an-hour after the rest of the team surrounded by a multi-vehicle security team. Like any good sports organization the Braves stood behind their closer until he started to struggle, then they traded him out of town as quickly as possible. Like a bad penny Rocker was passed around until there was nothing left of his arm. By 2003, he was out of baseball and still on my roster for two more years. Now you would think that if someone touched a hot stove, they would think twice about doing it again. Not John Rocker. He was one of the leading voices of the “Speak English” campaign.
Kazuhito Tadano, P, Cleveland Indians. Tadano was one of three minor league players on my roster. It thought I had a stud on my hands. He was a stud, just not the kind I thought. Less than a year later, he held a press conference to announce that he was not gay. Why would a young up and coming Asian pitcher have to state that he was not a homosexual? I had scouted what scouts said about the young Korean’s stuff . I studied his record at Rikkyo University (St. Paul’s University), an Anglican college in Tokyo that stressed Christian precepts. What I had not scouted was Asian gay porn fetish. It appeared neither had the Cleveland Indians. Tadano and some of his Christian teammates did a “very special movie.” If Tadano was not gay, from everything I understand he did a darn good imitation of it. In 2004 Major League Baseball might have been ready for an openly gay pitcher but not one that could have up for the Cy Young and an AVN award in the same year.
Reuben Rivera, OF, New York Yankees, 2002. The major league minimum salary was $300,000 that year; let me repeat $300,000. Reuben Rivera was scheduled to earn $1 million as a reserve outfield on the American League champions. While no longer the five-tool prospect he once was, Rivera could be counted on to hit some home runs and probably steal a handful of bases. Being back with the team that had discovered him and around the calming influence of his cousin relief pitcher Marino Rivera, I thought Reuben was going to have a great year as one of the first bats off the bench. What is the stupidest thing a guy expected to earn seven figures could do? Steal from a teammate, but just not any teammate, a teammate who is a New York institution, the most important player in pin strips since Reggie Jackson, a man who will have a monument in centerfield in a few years, number 4,Derek Jeter. Rivera stole a bat and a glove from the shortstop’s locker, worth $2,500, to a local memorabilia dealer. Exit stage right, Reuben Rivera, but you will clog up Trevor’s team for the next year.
Randall Simon, 1B, Pittsburgh Pirates, 2003. Randall Simons might be the only human being to be charged with misdemeanor battery of an Italian sausage. That is right, Simons assaulted a wiener in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. No, not Anthony Wiener and get your mind out of the gutter. He attacked a wiener. Now I know you must be asking yourself, how does one physical attack a phallic-like piece of meat? It was really a mascot. One of the dumber things to bubble up in contemporary baseball is a fixed foot race between human beings dress as food by-products after the sixth inning. It is supposed to entertain the children present but is really a glorified product placement advertisement. Much to the horror of the Bratwurst, Hot Dog, and Polish Sausage and those unlucky enough to attend a Brewers/Pirates game as the four wieners came barreling towards the finish line near the visitors’ dugout, Simon decided it would be funny to stick his bat out in front of the two-legged spicy piece of pork. The problem is if you are one of the individuals wearing one of these costumes your field of vision is extremely limited. Simons clocked the sausage, aka college student Mandy Block, causing her to do her best Gerry Cooney impression and go down for the count. Like a NASCAR pileup, the Hot Dog tripped over Mandy. Simons was fined $432.10 for disorderly conduct by the court and Major League Baseball suspended him for three days, but best of all the Pirates decided to trade him to the Chicago Cubs because of the incident. More Cubbie deadwood on my roster.
Conversation a few weeks ago
Friend: “Why did you two break up?”
Me: “I don’t know. We just drifted apart, I guess. She got into her moods and would accuss me of not focusing on what is really important. Crazy, I know. You would thought she would have known me better. ”