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Dear History Channel:

   Last year, I stated in an open letter to the programmers of the SyFy channel that they were basically Harvard educated chimpanzees scratching their backsides, and then apologized to our noble primate cousins for that comparison. Even though they had their best ratings in years, they had basically destroyed their brand, and I would stop watching their shows when Caprica was taken off the air.  I am going to resist name-calling, even though words like morons, idiots, boobs, and clowns seemingly type themselves.   

   I know, I know, that much like SyFy, you have been getting amazing ratings on the cheapest programming, this side of bum fighting, you can get.  I simply request one thing. Could you change the name of your channel? The name History Channel implies, what is the word, oh, history.  History could lead to learning something, and learning something is too close to education, which is pretty much a synonym for boring, but some of us used to tune into your channel for history. We would go to bed after watching your network feeling we might have grown a bit, improved our intellectual toolbox, and been entertained to boot.

   The word history has its roots in the Greek word for knowledge and inquiry. Your current programming does not have its root in either. With that in mind, I would ask you to change your network’s name. The Nashville Network has done it five times. CBN Satellite Services has morphed through six separate name changes into its current incarnation, ABC Family. The Comedy Channel is now Comedy Central.  The WB and UPN combined to become The CW. Their audiences were still able to find them and everyone seems happy. So, my request is not groundbreaking.

   Could you please change your name? I would suggest The Loud Mouth Redneck Channel or maybe Manly Men Doing Manly Jobs Network.  Anything will work. Throw some Scrabble Letters into a hat and pull them out randomly. It does not matter. Just do not call yourself The History Channel anymore.  My breaking point came a few months ago, when you came out with the reality series Mounted In Alaska, which, unless it is a documentary series on Sarah Palin’s sex life in the land of the midnight sun, is not history.    

   Before you parade out your dribble about your slogan, “History: Made Every Day,” that might be true, just not on your place on the dial.  I am sure it tested well with research groups and mental patients, but I visit the bathroom daily, and much like your programming, I would not call that history either. Interesting, entertaining, occasionally surprising, but still not history all the same. 

   Let’s look at your programming. Ice Road Truckers is in its fifth series and probably the granddaddy of your current programming. Every promo informs me that, “Dave’s [or insert some other male name] hot temper might cost him everything.”  With over 3 million viewers, it’s wildly successful and makes me feel better when I drive to the store for a Slim Jim and a Big Gulp after a snowstorm, but history, no.   Granted, these Kardashians with Mohawks, beer guts and truck nuts have testicular fortitude, and probably a methamphetamine problem, but somehow I do not think they belong on the same channel with a documentary on John Kennedy’s response to the Cuban missile crisis.

   American Pickers is basically PBS’s The Antiques Roadshow without the snotty British dudes or taste, but instead of having people bring their junk to them, they go to the junk.  The main purpose of the show is to make packrats feel better about themselves. I have relatives who have filled their house with junk and garage sale bargains, filled their garage and  barn, built a second barn, and filled that, and they roll their eyes at the people showcased in Pickers. One person’s trash is another person’s treasure but if you have to turn sideways to walk down the hallway of your house, call the stuff what you would like, you still have a screw loose and it is junk. It is a show about people who should be featured in the DSM-IV, yes, history, no.

   Pawn Stars, take American Choppers and put it in a pawnshop. It makes you think that everyone who comes to Vegas and looses their shirt at the card table has cool stuff to sell.  Having lived in Sin City and been at that location before it became a tourist destination – they have had to hire 40 new employees to handle the avalanche of people. Surprisingly, this is not seen in the series – until they feature the very special episode of the crack heads selling their DVD player, so they can freebase in the parking lot. It is a lot of things, history is not one of them.

   American Restoration, a spin-off of Pawn Stars, Swamp People, Mounted in Alaska, Top Shot, Top Gear, and Sliced; noticing a pattern? All blue-collar guys doing manly men stuff without a college degree, to be found anywhere.  I apologize for the college degree line. I noticed one of the Ice Road Truckers had an Official Bikini Inspector baseball cap. So, he must have gone to some prestigious university to get that training.

    My favorite of all of this he-man programming might be Only In America with Larry the Cable Guy, the George W. Bush of comedians.  Larry, who is really Nebraska born, college educated, Daniel Lawrence Whitney, who is only pretending to be a southern redneck, really mocking them if the truth be told, tours America to show us his people and makes sure you know his “Git-R-Done” t-shirts and camo hats are on the History Channel website for $19.95. Larry, who will never be confused with Mark Twain, heck, Shecky Green for that matter, should be the poster boy for The Anti-History Channel.  If you can find one person who has said, I really learned something from Larry the Cable Guy or he made me think; Lord, I apologize.

   Then you have a bunch of programming that is not really manly men doing manly things, but is, what is the word?? crap. Ancient  Aliens, for example. This is not history. Our ancestors were very ingenious people. They built wonderful things and thought deeply, at least deeper than Larry the Cable Guy, about stuff. They were not anally probed by a cousin of E.T. who paid them off with cigarettes and plans about how to create the pyramids left on the dresser.  By allowing such programming and lending your name to it, you are granting it a degree of credibility. Someone who might not know any better might actually think that is history. Call yourself the Loud Mouth Redneck Channel and you can show that stuff all day long.

   This also applies to your other programming involving space aliens, bigfoots, ghosts, sea monsters, chupacabras, or straight Republican politicians. Given that even the homeless seem to have cell phones with camera and GPS technology, with the billions of cameras out there, you would think we would get a decent picture of one of these creatures. If a picture does materialize, have a photographic expert examine it. In all likelihood it is just another photograph of Anthony Weiner’s junk, but not history.

   I understand, I really do, that ratings might call for an evening or two of this kind of programming. I would be fine with that. But this seems to be your schedule every evening. On occasion, you do produce some real history programming. Granted, I have to either set my DVR or accidently come across your channel after watching a Ron Popeil infomerical at 2 a.m. because I cannot sleep. Still, you can do it. So, either change your network’s name or…

   What? I just discovered that the creator of Survivor is joining forces with you to create a reality show where contestants try to circle the globe in eighty days and it will be out this fall? Well, you’re officially history on my television.