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Robert Iger, Here Is A Cup
No good idea ever comes from Facebook. Making its rounds around cyberspace like a hobo moving from one watering hole to the next was an idea to urine test welfare recipients. You can almost feel the rage as Facebookers, who were taking time off of work to vote on this survey, shook their fists at those lazy bums sucking on the government teet. I can understand the rage. I have been in line at the grocery store behind some mother buying food with a WIC check, (or now a credit card), and then watched as she has the cashier ringing up a bunch of cigarettes and booze. As she pulls out cold cash I cannot help but wonder, “If she can afford Boone’s Farm and Camels, why should she be getting a government check?” What if she is doing drugs? I shouldn’t be paying for that. I can see why people want to dehumanize people who have already been beaten down a little more by having them pee in a cup.
Granted, the average person on welfare is a woman running a single parent household with one or more dependent children. Aid to Families with Dependent Children and food stamps only pay 63 percent of the poverty level or 74 percent of what the woman would get working for minimum wage, so having the extra income for really good drugs might be a little hard to come by, but if there is a will, there is a way. What about the numerous studies that show that people on welfare are no more drug dependent than anyone else in the population? Who cares! Pee in a cup, welfare queens.
One little problem. Most hard drugs wash out of your system in a few hours or days. Even the worst junkie can stay clean long enough to pass a urine test when they know it is scheduled and alcohol, which is America’s drug of choice, is not going to be tested for. That leaves pot, weed, Mary Jane, grass, herb, schwag, reefer, cannabis. Marijuana, by any other name, still smells like lawn clippings.
So, small government conservatives want to add a whole new level of bureaucracy and costs to pee test a bunch of single mothers for marijuana, a drug that does not kill anyone? We are going to let Sally Slumliver and her innocent children starve to death because she found a roach in the stairwell or bought a dime bag of ditch weed from a neighbor? Spend millions of dollars to hopefully not nail someone who ate a poppy seed muffin? That makes financial sense. Okay, they say liberals are fuzzy headed.
Newly-elected Governor of Florida and Skeletor lookalike Rick Scott thought it made perfect sense, even though he has admitted that it will cost the state millions and not save the state a dime. He stated, "This new law will encourage personal accountability and will help to prevent the misuse of tax dollars." If anyone knows how dangerous pot smoking is, it is Scott, who used to be co-owner of the Texas Rangers with George W. Bush, a man who has taken a toke or two in his life. (That might explain them trading Sammy Sosa.) So, here is a cup, you know what to do, and make it fast.
Welfare recipients earn a maximum of $300 a month or $3,600 a year in Florida. This is all federal money by the way. There are 60,000 residents of the state involved in the program. Each one of these people will be asked to pass a quarterly test that will cost between $30 and $80. So, Florida taxpayers will be paying for $240,000 tests a year at $30 to $80 a pop. Given that it is the government, I would put that cost closer to $80 than $30. So, at minimum, it is going to cost taxpayers $7,200,000 to $22,400,000 a year. All to get a little sticky icky?
I am going to shock you here. I am all in favor of this kind of stupidity. I want those welfare queens squatting and peeing in front of government bureaucrats. We should do it in all 50 states. I am tired, tired I tell you, of those welfare queens. Why don’t we have those civil servants put on a rubber glove and check for contraband while they are filling the cup? My only caveat is that I want all the welfare queens tested, not just the little fishes. Since Florida is testing those people who are taking advantage of the taxpayers, I want the ones who are getting million dollar checks tested as well.
Come on down, Robert Iger, CEO of the Walt Disney Corporation and drop your drawers. Here is a cup. Disneyworld gets millions of dollars in corporate kickbacks from the state, county and local governments in Florida. Even though the corporation is worth $23 billion, critics of the company have pointed out that its relationship to the state of Florida is almost colonial. It takes advantage of every tax break it can and uses its economic and political power to wring out millions from the state’s coffers even though as one critic has stated, “The investment is here, but most of the wealth ends up back in California.” Nothing personal, Mr. Iger, but if Florida is going to give you millions, I want to make sure you are not sniffing glue. A bottle of Elmer’s is the only reason I can come up with for you guys making Snow Dogs, The Country Bears, and Inspector Gadget. I want the genius that thought tearing down Alien Encounter in order to replace it with Stitch's Great Escape tested first. I know there is a warm crack pipe somewhere involved in that decision.
Turn and cough, Norman Braman, owner of the Florida Marlins, who really lives in Southampton, New York. It is nothing personal, just checking for drugs. After all, you are getting millions of dollars in county, city, and state subsidies including a $35 million low interest loan from the county for your privately owned Marlins. Just want to make sure you are not doing any of those goof balls that might affect your decision-making. I have watched your Marlins play several times and having season tickets to their home games might be considered cruel and unusual punishment in some circles.
Miami Dolphins owner, Steve Ross, is someone who is seeking over $200 million for improvements to Sun Life Stadium. I just want to make sure those silver paint cans outside his mansion are being used for a good purpose. It has been over a decade since Dan Marino retired and even though the Big Tuna, Bill Parcells, pulled some miracles out of his hat with the wildcat offense, the team has been pretty mediocre the last decade and your two biggest stars, guys you are paying millions to, have diagnosed personality disorders. You could not sign a major quarterback in the off-season even though Chad Pennington went to greener pastures? It is South Beach. No one wants to take their talents there. Nothing personal, just want to make sure it is none of that wacky tobacky that is cause your team to stink.
I know it is kind of a long flight from Switzerland for you, Paul Bulcke, CEO of Nestlé, and I know that a welfare office is not were you would like to be, but the humiliation will only last for a little while. Think of babbling brooks, a rapid stream, water dripping from a faucet and all those millions of gallons of free spring water (your company is not paying for until 2018), that you get to bottle in plastic and sell for millions. Now that was easy wasn’t it? Slow down, big boy. I know you are selling that water at a higher price than gasoline and Florida is only gaining a couple hundred jobs, but please, the joy you are showing for picking the pockets of the taxpaying public is ridiculous.
The biggest welfare loving family in the United States is next, the Waltons, not Ma and Pa’s brood, but Sam’s offspring of Walmart fame. Since you are the best corporation in the world at getting generous state and local tax breaks and outright subsidies, especially from Florida, while driving down local wages and teaching your employees to game the public welfare system, we thought you might want to fill a moonshine jar or something. I know meth is big in Arkansas. You might start selling something made in America. Nothing personal.
You can share a room with Carnival Corp, the cruise ship people that make shuffle boarding with Kathy Lee look fun. They made over a billion dollars in profits and paid nothing in Florida state taxes. There has to be a reason Kathy Lee is so sunny. So, here are some cups.
I could go on and on, but drug testing all these welfare queens might get a little costly. I guess I would ask you why you want to insist on stigmatizing one segment of the population while ignoring the big pigs eating their free lunch. Blame the poor all you want but the only thing trickling down in trickle down economics is…. Hey, you are missing the cup.