Barney

Barney’s Got A Gun: Where is Andy Griffith’s gun control when we need it?

It is estimated that 4 percent of our population are sociopaths. That means they have no empathy for anyone else and lack a conscience.

Just under 20 percent, 45 million Americans have some type of mental illness.

There are 5.2 million Americans in various stages of Alzheimer’s and battling other dementia issues. Seventy percent of them are still living at home. One out of eight baby boomers will battle one of these diseases in their lifetime.

Eight percent of Americans are classified as alcoholics, the vast majority of which will never be properly diagnosed or seek help.

Twenty percent of the population between the ages of 16 and 59 admit to having used prescription drugs for non-medical reasons. These include painkillers like OxyContin and Vicodin, stimulants like Ritalin, Dexedrine, and Adderall, and tranquilizers like Valium and Xanax, 20.4 million in the last 30 days.

The percentage of Americans taking antidepressants has doubled in the last decade.

Almost half of Americans are taking a prescription drug of some kind, most of these are harmless, but more importantly one in six are taking three or more medications simultaneously. The vast majority of which have little or almost no medical supervision monitoring how these chemicals are interacting with each other in their systems.

Over 2.4 million Americans are currently using cocaine.

One million of us have used Hallucinogens in the last month.

Now, I want you to think of the percentage of Americans you would consider irrational, morons, klutzes, boobs, those with anger issues, you know the neighbor who flips out because some kid rode his bike through their yard or the co-worker who has a fit because you borrowed their stapler for two seconds.

A lot of people, isn’t it? Now give them guns and let them carry them around in public. Welcome to the armed and medicated madhouse known as America.

Now I want to make one thing perfectly clear. Even though there is a great deal of debate about what the founders meant in the second amendment, especially given that there was not wide stream ownership of firearms until after the Civil War and there is no way that they could have even fathomed modern weapons, I am willing to accept the more literal reading, especially because the genie is already out of the bottle. In other words, I support your right to have a gun in your house.

Still, gun owners need to stop acting like Victorian females. If the Virginia Tech and Congresswoman Giffords shootings have taught us anything, it is that there is no political will to have reasonable gun control or to keep guns out of the hands of nuts. President Barack Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder are not hatching a move to take your assault rifles, multi-bullet magazines, or cop killing bullets. Hey, those things are so needed. You never know when you are going to find yourself surrounded in the woods by a herd of AK-47 carrying, Kevlar jacket wearing deer. I also understand the whole being too lazy to want to have to reload after six to eight shots. I am an American too.

So, even though Facebook has started such important movements like telling Saturday Night Live that Betty White should host the show and that we should dehumanize single mothers who are getting that average $45 a month WIC check to pee four times a year into a cup to make sure she is not stealing the taxpayers blind smoking that marijuana, you can take down your cut and paste posts about telling your Congressman not to take your gun away from you. No one wants them, except maybe your twelve-year-old son who is probably showing his pals dad’s cool toy. Most of the kids I grew up with had hunting rifles in the house. Several had gun racks in the rear window of their trucks. We all survived in one piece, except my friend Terry who shot himself in the foot, my other friend Bob who got shot by his friend Brian who was aiming at a frog, and that kid who killed himself, and… okay, those are not good examples. My friends were idiots when it came to guns, but I support the right for idiots and non-idiots to have guns in their homes.

Still, Justice Robert H. Jackson once famously uttered, “The Constitution is not a suicide pact.” Neither is the second amendment. Just like free speech ends when you yell fire in a crowded theater, gun owners need to start acting responsible before people who are hostile to your position start to take control of the issue. Because if things continue down the same path you are going to have your rights taken away from you and you will have no one to blame but yourselves. Where is Andy Griffith’s common sense when it comes to giving the Barney’s of the world bullets and guns?

Do not understand what I am taking about? Let me give you some examples. In the same state where Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the face, Arizona, the same state where Congressmen have decided it is too dangerous to have indoor town hall meetings, the same state that thinks carrying firearms at school events is a bright idea because you know little league parents are the most level headed segment of our population, the same state that thinks college kids should be allowed to carry guns in class and at the local pub, has a state Senator named Lori Klein. Lori loves guns, especially her raspberry-pink .380 Ruger with a laser pointer and no safety on it. It probably coordinates well color-wise with her black evening dress. It particularly looks good in the state capital and on the floor of the Senate. At least that is what Lori thinks, especially when she is pointing it at a reporter’s chest and laughing. That is right, loveable Lori pointed a loaded gun at Arizona Republic reporter’s chest, but it was okay because she told him, “I just didn’t have my hand on the trigger.” First rule you learn in hunter’s safety, do not point a gun at anyone. First rule in being a politician, lie. Lori lied about it and claimed the reporter walked in front of the gun as she was pointing it at the wall. One little problem, the newspaperman was audio taping the whole thing. Did responsible gun owners or the NRA come down on her like a ton of bricks? Did the Arizona State Senate censor her publically for her stupidity and lying to let people know if you are given a priviledge, you have to act responsible? Of course not, that wacky Lori is still walking up and down the halls of the state capital in Phoenix, at least until she or some politician like her blows a hole in a reporter or fellow politician’s chest.

In Virginia, the same state where the biggest school shooting in American history occurred, State Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli has declared a law banning firearms in places of worship invalid, because any reason is a “good and sufficient reason” to carry a gun to church. I knew Jesus was the Prince of Peace, but I did not know that piece was a snub nose revolver. Granted, in 1632, the state required men to bring their flintlock muskets to church, but I doubt Virginians have to worry about Chief Opecancanough and his Powhatan warriors any longer, especially since an English colonist, when Opecancanough surrendered, did the manly thing by shooting the prisoner in the back. Okay, how do I say this, if you feel you need to carry a gun in your church, maybe you should think about looking for another church. How soon until a gun accidentally goes off in church? “Christ has died. Christ has risen. Go in peace and Oh, God… I have been shot.”

Florida recently felt the need to ban physicians from asking a patient if they own a gun, or discussing gun safety with their patients. If they do, they face a felony and a $5 million fine. Those wacky doctors, all concerned about the health and welfare of their patients, especially little kids. How dare they feel the need to talk to some poor, uneducated parent about keeping guns unloaded and locked up if junior mentions a gun lying around the house? You let them talk about gun safety and the next thing you know they are telling the parent to make sure the kid eats healthy and brushes their teeth. If anyone is going to talk to our children it should be responsible gun owning athletes like NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress. He accidentally shot himself in a nightclub, or superstar basketball center Jayson Williams, who while playing with his shotgun accidentally shot his limo driver, or Gilbert Arenas, who pulled a gun on a teammate in the locker room, or Delonte West, who has a long history of mental problems. Delonte was pulled over by police, on his motorcycle, while he was sporting a Beretta 9mm, a Ruger .357 magnum, and a Remington 870 shotgun.

I had an alcoholic roommate awhile back with a long history of domestic violence, and now, thanks to moving to the state of Utah with its crazy gun laws, has a pair of handguns to add to his rifle collection. Beating the tar out of women, a few tallboys, and handguns, nothing bad could happen there?

Either those who love their guns start to act responsibly, urge responsible laws be placed on the books, make sure those laws are financed, or eventually you are going to cut your own throats. People will get sick of the body count or the wrong person is going to get killed by some all-thumbed Barney Fife, or a lone nut with a rifle. It is just a matter of time unless gun owners start to act responsible again.

Oh, did you hear the National Rife Association is starting a campaign to have nurses carry guns. Alzheimer's disease units and guns, that is going to work out well. Andy!!!