Return to trevor archives

Little Miss Fetus USA

   Warning: In 1729, Jonathon Swift (Gulliver’s Travels) wrote a parody called “A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland From Being a Burden on Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick.” In it he suggested the Irish could ease their economic problems by selling their babies to the rich as food.  It caused outrage in some circles because of its gross nature and proposition that the English should engage in cannibalism and infanticide. What many did not get was that Swift was commenting on the heartless nature of the rich towards the poor. This is a parody in the same vein.

♫♫ You’re going to be a beautiful baby. You’re going to be a wonderful child. When you finally start going to Kindergarten. I bet you drive the little boys wild. ♫♫

Have you taken your ultrasound home and had your family and friends tell you how beautiful your fetus is?

Do you think your fetus is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?

Do you believe the collection of cells in your belly is the most beautiful baby in the world?

Do your want your little bundle of joy coming into the world with a tiara and sash?

Do you want to feel superior to the other mothers in the hospital?

Then we have a contest for you…

LITTLE MISS FETUS USA

broadcast live on

the Learning Channel (TLC)

(with a ten second delay)*

   With the help of modern technology, when your baby kicks, the whole world can see her kick. When your baby moves, the whole world will see her move. Now with the help of correctly placed electrodes, your baby can now style and profile. With the help of ultrasound Xbox 360 Kinect technology, virtual reality, and a great amount of electricity, television viewers across the world will delight at the beauty of your child as she struts a holodeck catwalk and stage.

   With the help of computer programmers, your fetus can dress as a cowgirl, wear a strappy black dress, be a Disney princess, sport a bikini or have that perfect rack you always hoped and dreamed for her to have.  

   Why should your little fetus enter our contest?

   It is never too early for a girl to get the most important compliment she will ever get, that she is pretty. Nothing builds a young fetus’s self-esteem more than standing on a stage in her pre-birthday suit and having her cosmetic features judged by a panel of experts and celebrities.

   Un-American liberals might complain about sexualizing fetuses, but real patriots know it is all good-natured fun. Have you ever heard a fetus complain about being in one of our contests, especially when a team of free market surgeons implant a tiara on her head? Beauty contests are as wholesome and pure as mom, apple pie and the Fourth of July, and what is more wholesome and American than a fetus. Only someone who hates America could hate the Little Miss Fetus USA contest.

   Not only will your fetus get that really good self-esteem that only comes from the outside observations and comments of men and boys, but also it is never too early to think about your fetus’ future. It is a dog eat dog world and what happens in the nine months before your fetus is born will influence the rest of her life.  Not only do we give a $10,000 nursery school scholarship, but also, the title of Little Miss Fetus USA looks good on her application to get into said school.

   As we all know, if your little darling does not get into the right nursery school, she is not going to get into the right pre-school, and then the right kindergarten, and then the right private school, and then the right reading group, and then the right middle school, and before you know it she will have to go to a public university filled with liberal professors who will try to get her to think for herself and not accept everything those in authority tell her. Next thing you know she is an Indigo Girls listening feminist, with horrible fashion sense, who is shaving her head but not her armpits, or even worse, a liberal.

   Not only do we offer a nursery school scholarship, but also she can win prizes and many of them come in boxes wrapped in pretty paper with bows that little girl fetus’s like. Big ones, small ones, dresses, lace, makeup, pretty things that sparkle and shine, oh, my!

   Plus, our free-market surgeons have offered to perform said breast augmentation, not only for her but for mom as well, when she is ready, so that she can play dress up in outfits, like dear old mom. As we all know, there is no better source for one to get their body image and self-respect from than mom, especially when she is sporting a pair of perfect double Ds. Remember, as a good Christian, when you are in the surgeon’s office, to ask yourself what size would Jesus get and your little girl can get whatever size she wants thanks to Little Miss Fetus USA.

   Little Miss Fetus USA has all the traditional segments of other pageants: evening wear, the talent portion, swimming suits with high heels because that is how all women should go to the beach, and, of course, our host will ask each fetus a series of questions involving world peace, family, Jesus, the sad epidemic of bald babies, natural birth vs. those in hospitals, and the reasons why homosexuals should not be allowed to marry.

   Returning as the host for the fourth straight year is the man who is the walking representative of class and style and what is possible in America, Flavor Flav.  Our judges are the best that America has to offer, the living embodiment of fertility, Christian values, and main street America: Michelle Duggar, Nadya Suleman, Kate Gosselin, Bobbi McCaughey, and Clay Aiken. All have shown through hard work and the right injectable fertility drugs and procedures, that you too can now be famous in America by just having children. Maybe, you’ll even have a future Little Miss Fetus USA contestant! (If one of our judges happens to give birth during the show, which given the odds will probably happen, Paris Hilton will step in, because no one represents Christian and family values better. And, what is hot more than Paris Hilton?   

   If you think your fetus is beautiful enough to be Little Miss Fetus USA, please go to the Official Little Miss Fetus USA website and fill out all the forms found there. If your fetus is judged to be beautiful enough, you will then be giving instructions on how to apply to your local and then state competitions. **

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

♫♫ You’re going to be a beautiful baby. You’re going to be a wonderful child. When you finally start going to Kindergarten. I bet you drive the little boys wild. ♫♫

*We apologize to faithful viewers for Little Miss Fetus Alabama’s profanity-laced interview at the end of last year’s contest, that kind of language from a fetus is never acceptable, and the umbilical cord malfunction the year before that. While Little Miss Fetus Texas swears the cord moving for a fraction of a second was a complete accident, viewers who paused their DVRs and repeatedly watch the malfunction were scandalized and countless children were emotionally traumatized by this nudity. The ten second delay will make sure such things never happen again. We, as a wholesome Christian organization, apologize.

**We now require that every parent submit a genetic test to conclusively prove that your fetus is a girl and is officially still a fetus. There will not be a repeat of what has become known as the Little Miss Fetus Kentucky incident. Thirty-five year old little person Frank Jefferson is currently doing ten years in the Kentucky state penitentiary for trying to scam this wholesome pageant. We would like to thank the viewers who sent us emails stating that his bowling pin juggling routine in the talent segment was a little too advanced for a blastocyst.  

   We would also like to thank The Learning Channel (TLC) for standing by us during these mishaps. We are proud to be associated with the high standards of educational programming TLC upholds like 19 and Counting, NY Ink, Cake Boss, Hording: Buried Alive, and Little People, Big World. We ask our fans to catch TLC’s next big show Little People, Big Love. Can little people and bodybuilding, big muscled women find love while working together in a cannery factory? Tune in to find out.

  Also, we ask that you support our sponsors Baby Einstein (Even though scientific studies have shown that our products have no noticeable effect on your child’s development, we cannot help but wonder how brilliant these scientists would have been if they had used our product?), McDonalds (It is never too early to enjoy a well balanced nutritious meal at McDonalds.), Mattel: The makers of Barbie (Helping little girls with bad body image since 1959.), Couture: the makers of Juicy shorts (There is nothing wrong with manufacturing a garment that causes middle-aged men to look at your pre-teen daughter’s backside.), Teen Vogue magazine (Your daughter throwing up in the bathroom after every meal has nothing to do with us.), Covergirl (It is never too early to teach your child there is no such thing as natural beauty.), The Republican Party (We love strong, independent women and girls, especially when they do what white men tell them to.), and Exxon (Everyone works for us eventually.).