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Ole’s New Sunday School Class For Young Couples Regarding, Well, You Know.  If You Don’t Know, You Need To Be Taking This Class

Lutheran Church for Hope and Salvation of the Blessed St. Olaf, Iowa District of the Eastern North Dakota Synod

(Please make the following announcement during church announcements. Lena told me to write things out, so I don’t include anything stupid.)

Pastor Knutson at this week’s church council meeting said to me, “Ole, wake up.

You’re snoring again. Our young people are not having children in the numbers they used to. Maybe they are not doing something right? You have nine children. I would like you to lead a class on how to have Lutheran…”

He then whispered into my ear the last word into my ear. “Uff da,” I said. “I don’t know if I can talk to young married people about that. I have been married to Lena for 50 years and not talked about that with her.”

After a great deal of thought on my part, Lena told Pastor Knutson I would be glad to do it.  So, all young couples are invited to my Sunday school class on, well, you know, well, you probably don’t, and that is why Pastor Knutson wants you at this class for young married couples. It meets on Sunday mornings.

I, of course, will not be teaching the class during hunting season, hockey season, ice fishing season, football season, regular fishing season, baseball season, when I can get my boat on the lake season, when Lena’s awful sisters come to visit and stay longer than they should season, the summer, major and minor holidays, when my hemorrhoids are acting up, Uff da, and the occasional Sunday I eat a bad batch of Lutefisk. (I don’t know anyone who can tell bad Lutefisk from good Lutefisk.) In other words, the Sundays all good Lutherans miss.

As many of you know I have eight, no, Lena says nine children.  Ole Jr., Ole Jr. Jr., Ole Jr., Jr., Jr. and the others. I forget their names. So, I guess I am the perfect person to lead such a class.

Pastor Knutson thought the first class should be on love as the foundation of a good marriage. I did not understand what he meant by that. He said, “Like the love you have for Lena.” I still did not understand what he meant by that.

So, instead I decided to address the real reason so few babies are being born into this congregation. It is entitled, “Setting Your Thermostat To Save Money: The Foundation of a Good Norwegian Marriage. From a Lutheran Perspective, Of Course.”

This lesson will be followed by, my second class, “If Staying Warm During That Big Snowstorm Was Good Enough For Your Parents And Grandparents, It Should Be Good Enough For You.”

My third class will be “Small Kitchen, Cold Mornings, If You Have Too Big Of A Kitchen, You Are Putting On High Falutin’ Ways and That Is Why You Don’t Have Kids. From A Lutheran Perspective, Of Course.”

My fourth class will be “How Come Lena’s Hot Flashes Did Not Save Me Any Money On The Heating Bill And Other Female Mysteries.”

I shared my first four lessons with Pastor Knutson. He said, “No, no, no, Ole, talk about love. Share with them stories about how Lena and you felt when you first fell in love.”

I said I did not understand. I think his mother was a Methodist or something.

He said, “Share with them how nervous you two were the first time.”

Our first time, I told Pastor Knutson, was on our honeymoon. We were driving her father’s car to Minneapolis. We stopped for a picnic. No one else was in the park. All of a sudden, she took off all her clothes and told me to take anything I want. So, I took the car keys and drove back to Iowa.  Lena’s father came to our place, mad as a hornet. He asked me why I did not return his car and left his daughter up in Minnesota. I told him the story.  He said, “Ole, you’re a smart one. None of my daughter’s clothes would have fit you anyhow, but she had no right to offer you my car.”

Pastor Knutson thought it best not to have that shared with the class.

So, my fifth lecture is “I Know She Looks Like She Needs Ironing, But Everything Will Be Fine. From A Lutheran Perspective, Of Course.”

Lena will be instructing the young ladies during this time. Her session will be entitled “Roll Over and Think Of Bridge Club.”

Pastor Knutson then told me that I should instruct the young men in holding hands, hugging, telling their wives they love them and other sweet things.

I said I did not understand what he meant.  He said , “Young men need to be told how to get their wives in the mood.”

Pastor Knutson then asked me what the sweetest thing I ever said to Lena was. Maybe one of the young men could get a kernel of wisdom from Ol’ Ole.  I guess it would be, “Brace yourself, Lena.”

So, my sixth class will be entitled “Norwegian Foreplay: Punch Her In The Arm And Ask Her If She Is Awake. From A Lutheran Perspective, Of Course.”

Pastor Knutson then said I should talk about how sometimes things do work out according to plans and that this can cause a lot a pressure for a young man.

So, I thought about it and my seventh lecture will be called “Don’t Panic: That Strange Look On Her Face, That You Have Never Seen Before, Might Be A Smile. It Goes Away.  From A Lutheran Perspective, Of Course.”

Pastor Knutson, again, said, “No, no, no, sometimes things don’t work out. Young men need to understand that.”

So, my eighth class will be entitled “If You Are Married and Don’t Have Children, Maybe You Need To Take Your Long Johns Off At Night or At Least Wash Them. From a Lutheran Perspective, Of Course.”

Pastor Knutson told me that maybe I had the wrong idea about such things and that you know, well, if you don’t know, then you should be in my class, is enjoyable for a young man. I told Pastor it was one of the few things we could agree on.

So my ninth class will be called “You Know, If You Don’t Know, Then You Should Be Taking This Class. Its Fun, Because It Is One Of The Few Things Your Wife Will Not Be Nagging at You To Do More of Around The House. From a Lutheran Perspective, Of Course.”

Pastor Knutson is also worried about our young men straying, going to those taverns with dem jiggly dancers in their birthday suits. So, ol’ Ole has decided the tenth meeting will be “Doze Girls, In Dem Places Where Your Mother Would Not Dare Go, Except Sven’s Mother, (All Apologizes To Sven). Dey Will Not Give You Change For A One Dollar Bill and Other Reasons To Not Go Into Dem Dens O’ Sin. From a Lutheran Perspective, Of Course.”

Pastor Knutson said I did not understand, that he has heard that some of the young men are wandering.  He heard of one young man who has had dem dare relations, and not dem dare relationships with all but one woman on my side of town. Lena says it must be dem dare stuck up Mrs. Johnson next door. 

 So, my eleventh class is entitled “Remember Da Golden Rule. Treat Every Woman In The Community Like You Would Your Wife. If You Stop By Lars’ House and His Wife Comes To The Door Naked As The Day She Was Born, and She Asks You To Come into Their Bedroom, You Go Get Her A Towel. You Tell Her That You Get Her Meaning. She Wants To Pretend You’re Married. You Treat Her Like Your Wife If She Was Standing Dare Naked. You Tell Her To Go Get Her Own DarnTowel. What, Are Her Legs Broken? From A Lutheran Perspective, Of Course.”

Other classes will be announced in time. I hope to see you all the young couples there.