Return to trevor archives
50 Questions With Tea Partying Jesus, Part I
I know, I know, my pontificating is getting a little old, so I decided to do something a little different this week and do an interview. I got the interview of the century, maybe ever. He is the man that everyone is talking about. He is on more magazine covers than Angelina Jolie. His book is in everyone’s house, well, except for those godless Jews, Muslims, and Buddhists and they are going to hell anyhow. He needs no introduction, Tea Partying Jesus.
How are you doing, Tea Partying Jesus?
Fine, fine, haven’t seen you in church lately, Trevor. Too lazy to come worship me?
I-I-I-I…
Ha, ha, ha, just pulling your leg. I am not even there myself half the time. I got a foursome scheduled with Ronald Reagan at heaven’s golf course, whites only of course. That Dutch is a card. There is a lot of talk about making him the fourth member of the Trinity. Kind of like how Kevin McHale was the sixth man on the Celtics. The people love him.
You are looking well rested and tanned. Is that Gucci or Dolce & Gabbana?
Valentino. Those Italians do three things well. They can cook amazing pasta, make suits, and crucify people with the best of them. I love me a good suit. All that debate among theologians about whether I owned my own cloak or not, I had a whole rack of suits. You know how many times you have to change clothes around dirty poor people. Leaper smudges on cashmere are impossible to get out. Let’s do this.
Question #1: Texas is suffering through a drought. Governor Rick Perry recently had a day of prayer to ask for rain. Your response?
There is an old joke about a flood and a man on a roof praying for my help. First comes a canoe. He says no. Then comes a motorboat. He says no. Then comes a helicopter. He says no, again, and drowns. In heaven he asks Me why I did not help and I said, “I sent you a canoe, a motorboat, and a helicopter. What more did you want me to do?” Climate change, my friend. I sent a host of scientists, Al Gore, and… I got you. Those silly scientists, we all know that climate change is not real. Little secret about oil, those silly scientists think it is made out of dinosaurs? It is really gummy bears!
Question #2: Getting back to Rick Perry…
I like the cut of his jib. He is like a handsome George W. Bush, without the intelligence. You know, he carries a gun around on the campaign trail. If I had to do it over again, I would be carrying a handgun around Jerusalem. Stupid disciples, they got it all wrong. You know they were pacifists, or as I called Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, wussies. The only time you turn the other cheek is to reload. Thank God, American Christians recognized that part of the gospel needed to be skipped over.
Question #3: What about Perry frying Cameron Todd Willingham, an innocent man?
Takes a lot of guts to knowingly fry an innocent man. Remember, the only mistake the Romans made when they executed me, was I was connected. I knew people. Executions are okay as long as you make sure the person has no juice with my Old Man.
Question #4: Michele Bachmann?
Hates the gays. What is not to love? Granted, I never said anything about homosexuality, but that was a clerical mistake. Whoever wrote down my words made so many errors. I am almost embarrassed at times. Thank Me, I have conservative pastors who can overlook all that caring for the poor and weak garbage and loving your neighbor stuff. Rick Warren, you the man. All this cry me a river about caring for the poor and the outcast. How can anyone mistake blessed are the CEOs for blessed are the meek, and blessed are the upper 1 percent, excuse me, job creators, blessed are the poor is beyond me.
But back to Michele, that girl does what her husband tells her. She even said so. What is not to like? If more women followed her lead it would be like the 1950s again, gays in the closet, women in the kitchen, minorities knowing their place, except the upper tax rate would not be 90 percent, unions would not be strong, and none of that stupid massive government spending on Interstates, roads and bridges to rev the economy up. Dare Ike.
Question #5: Okay, since you touched on the gay issue…
Let me stop you right there. This is a Christian nation. Okay, we don’t really help the poor, our international giving is almost zero, we wipe our backsides with my planet and oceans, start wars with innocent countries, push around weaker nations, broke treaties with Indians to steal their land, stole most of the west from Mexico in an unjust war, justified raping and beating our wives for decades, owned slaves long past when other nations ceased, lynched people, abused immigrants, African-Americans, and Mexicans, but thank Me, God loving Americans rightly knew what really counted, stopping the fags. All that loving someone and wanting to be committed to that person for the rest of your life makes me sick. [God makes a finger to mouth gagging motion.]
Question #6: Barack Obama, Christian or secret Muslim?
Please, Obamacare should answer that question for you. Health care for the poor, give me a break. Many a time I was walking around Israel, some leaper would come up to me, and I would have to say, “Can’t help you, pre-existing condition.”
By the way, to head off a future question, that whole feeding 5,000 with fishes and loaves thing did not happen. That kind of thing teaches dependence. I told them they should have packed a lunch, losers. Just take Barack Obama for example. As a kid he was on food stamps and look what it did to him. Imagine what he could have done if my followers had said to his lazy grandparents, that kid can work. He has got a strong back. You can work too. All that “I am old” stuff is malarkey. Take some calcium and stop whining. There are burgers to be flipped. If Obama had been taught to fish, he could have made something of himself, maybe even a Republican President.
Question #7: Planned Parenthood…
You darn liberal, you. Planned Parenthood is giving out the pill to young people and women with too many children. It is evil. It is playing God. Giving ED pills to old men is not playing God, even though I, and a lot of fatty meat, made them that way, but giving out pills to keep women out of poverty, that is a sin. And pelvic exams, I remember the good old days when women died during childbearing age, and we liked it that way.
Question #8: Stem cells…
You are a troublemaker. Those are babies. It was just an oversight that I did not state that in the book. I call them my angels. I am glad my followers are protecting their rights, that is, until I kick them out of that womb. Then they are on their own. Nine months of lying around. Time to work. All those prayers about being hungry, waaahhh. My mother is working three jobs to barely make ends meet, waaahhh. I am in jail, waaahh. I cannot afford college, waaahhh. You never hear a fetus complain or ask for money.
Question #9: What about prayer in the schools?
The government cannot do anything right – you ever been to the DMV? - except handle the most important thing in my followers’ world, their faith. Then that silly government employee is a genius! Plus, I have been working on them. Why do you think I have frozen and cut their pay? Now, hundreds of them are having to ask Me to help them get through the month, keep a roof over their heads, and keep their car working. Win-win. Dutch once said, “As long as there are math tests in school, there will be prayer.” With this boom in guns and school shootings, the prayers, they are now falling like rain. It is not just that pesky Margaret anymore.
I have time for one last question. I know, I know, I promised you I would answer you 50 questions, but I am scheduled for Sarah Palin to see me in a tuna melt in 5 minutes. Plus, maybe your readers have some better questions they would like me to answer. Just have them email your paper. Let’s reschedule.
Question #10: Okay, okay, let me look through my cards. George W. Bush said that he asked You, his higher father, about going into Iraq over WMDs rather than his biological father, the 1st President Bush. No WMDs. What happened?
Can’t you people get over it? George W. Bush this. George W. Bush that. Everything is George Bush’s fault. He killed a bunch of brown people. What more do you want? I was just prank prayer answering him. He prayed to me the night of the Cana wedding and I was just having a little too much fun. Plus, if you have not heard, we are winning, WINNING. A few more hundred years, a few more hundreds of trillions of dollars, and we can bring the troops home. Plus, we need to cut the tax rate on the rich some more. I know you don’t think it has anything to do with winning a war, but it does. Remember, every time the wealthy pay their fair share, the terrorists win. Two wars and all those wonderful tax cuts, especially the stimulus tax cuts, have nothing to do with the debt. Bill Clinton’s balancing the budget was an illusion. Our current recession is not due to Wall Street greed and a lack of government regulations. Blame the welfare mothers, those 1995 Dart driving, greedy teachers, and, of course, Mexicans for stealing all those fat paying picking crops, working in sweat shops, washing your dishes and mowing your lawn jobs.
Question: Anything you would like to leave the reader with?
Barack Obama, well, all I am going to say about him is: have you ever seen Obama and the anti-Christ in the same room? Need I say more?