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Why God Did Not Create Adam & Steve.

Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep, which is why men fall into a deep sleep in front of the television to this day. While he was sleeping, the Lord God took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made another man from the rib, and He brought the other man to Adam.

Adam said, “Fabulous!”

Adam and Steve were both naked, and they felt no shame because both understood the importance of going to the gym and the importance of antioxidants for the skin.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to Steve, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden?’”

Steve said to the serpent, “You poor thing.”

The serpent said to Steve, “What?” Steve said to the serpent, “Your skin, it is so scaly, you silly goose. I know a good moisturizer made from Aloe Vera and beeswax that should take care of that problem for you.” The serpent tried to get back to the tree but Steve kept interrupting him, “Stripes are much more thinning than spots and green. Plus, brown is so last year.” The serpent said to Steve, “What?” Steve said to the serpent, “Your skin.” After a two-hour lecture about skin care and fashions the poor serpent slinked away.

Adam and Steve enjoyed redecorating paradise, happily enjoying pomegranate martinis, cocktails with umbrellas in them, and singing Broadway show tunes that had not yet been created. Then one day Adam and Steve heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day with a PBR in his hand, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” Adam answered, “We heard you in the garden, and we were afraid when we saw that PBR in your hand and we did not want to have a confrontation with you.” The Lord God said to Adam and Steve, “Have you been in conversation with the talking serpent and eaten of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?” Steve said to the Lord God, “We would never think about such a thing. Do you know how many crunches we would have to do after eating all that fruit to keep our washboard abs? As for the snake, when a snake starts talking, it is time to stop drinking the Vodka smoothies.”

So the Lord God asked why they were hiding.

Adam said to the Lord God, “We know that you only had six days in order to create everything; the sun, the moon, the stars, the earth, all the things that crawled on the earth and lived in the oceans, and all the plants found on it.” Steve interrupted Adam to say to the Lord God, “… And let us not forget lemon drops, the wonderfully delicious drink that tastes like candy; and thanks in advance for Cher, Judy Garland, Babs, Broadway, and how could I forget silk sheets with high thread -counts, potpourri, cabana boys, The Sound of Music, Audrey Hepburn, pastels, Italian boots, and…”

Adam took control of the conversation again by saying to the Lord God, “You have given us so many wonderful things, especially in the future, a shirtless Matthew McConaughey. How anyone cannot believe in You, when he exists, is beyond me? I could do my laundry on those abs. Three scoops of yummy. Still, You only had six days, but we wish You would have asked us for some help. Steve has an eye for design and fashions. I know colors and have a flair for style.”

The Lord God said to them, “What are you talking about? ”

Steve said to the Lord God, “First off, almost everything is green and brown, with a little blue thrown in here and there. Hate it. Creation needs some splashes of color and excitement. Your creation should say I’m the God of the Universe, hear Me roar.”

Adam then said to the Lord God, “Some of your animals need a little flair. The blobfish. It looks like something Steve coughed up when You gave him that chest cold last month. It is so gooey and slimy to touch. The Lord God said to Adam and Steve, “You know I designed it like it is with pudding-like skin so that other fish…”

Steve interrupted the Lord God, “Hate it. You tell those other fish to leave it alone. We are thinking you need to redesign it to look like Cary Grant and not Mr. Magoo. Then there is the Naked Mole Rat. Does creation really need something called a Naked Mole Rat?”

The Lord God said to Adam and Steve, “I… I… I…”

Adam picked up where Steve left off, “Poor thing. Steve and I were thinking about knitting it some sweaters. The Proboscis monkey, that poor thing has got a schnozzle on it like Jimmy Durante and don’t think we have forgotten about you creating that fella in the future. Warthogs? Really, warthogs? You designed galaxies, celestial light shows, black holes, and you thought creation needed a hairy maned, big-toothed pig that even the other pigs would not sleep with at last call on one dollar margarita night???? The Star-nosed mole? All the makeup in the world is not going to make that thing pretty. The Aye-Aye, poor thing looks like Phyllis Diller without her makeup on. The Elephant seal…”

The Lord God said to Adam and Steve, “I… I… I…”, Steve interrupted the Lord God again, “When Adam is done I want to discuss mold and fungus, and speaking of fungus, - Cleveland, Ohio. Not following Your logic on that one, Big Guy. Then there is Texas, except for Austin, ten gallons of cow chips in a five-gallon hat. What about the polka? … and while I am at…” The Lord God must have blacked out for a while because when he came to, Adam and Steve were discussing exfoliators and how anyone who created the universe really should have a manicurist on stand-by. The Lord God could not stand it any longer and said, “I am a God of few words and you two have talked for seven hours. Get out… Get out… GET OUT!”

Steve stamped his foot and said to the Lord God, “You have a real attitude, Mr. God Man.”

So the Lord God banished them from the Garden of Eden. After He drove them out, He placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden, a cherubim with a flaming sword, even though a heavenly creature holding a large phallic symbol is kind of gay and demanded that Adam and Steve never be referred to again.

Adam seemed a little down as they walked away from the garden. So, Steve said to Adam, “We will be okay. We’ll find a nice cave, a little cleaning, a little decorating, and our cave will be the envy of every caveman within fifty miles. You are a pretty fair cook. A little garden with sage, rosemary, oregano, and paprika, and I can be happy. I bet Grog in the cave over the hill would have no clue what paprika looks like. And we are gay after all, that means sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, no headaches, no I’m not in the mood, sounds like Eden to me.” Adam said to Steve, “Oh, Steve, you are so right.”

They walked into the sunset hand-in-hand when Adam suddenly said to Steve, “I’m thinking I might vote Republican. ” Steve cried because he knew they were not in paradise anymore.