Return to Trevor

Interview With Tea Party Jesus, Part 4

I am here with Tea Party Jesus, again.

Thanks, Trevor. You don’t look good, not good at all. I haven’t seen anyone look that bad, still living, since the bubonic plague. It that blood coming out of your eye sockets?

You probably just have a common everyday rash. Maybe. Let’s start this thing. I can only give you a few minutes as I am making a private appearance as a voice in the head of a guy who is about to shoot an abortion doctor. Surprisingly, I am told I sound a lot like Bill O’Reilly. Love me some Papa Bear. I spoke to him in the form of a falafel a few years back. Come on, first question.

Question #31: The Dream Act, which seems like common sense to me, is a law that allows young people of good moral character, already in this country, and have gone to college or served this country, to become United States citizens. It seems to me these are the people we want in America. Why are you against this act?

I had a dream too. It was not to be nailed to a cross. I didn’t achieve that dream either. Tough toenails is all I can say. My new dream is to see all those illegals swimming back to Mexico with a liberal under each arm. This dream is achievable.

Question #32: Given that Abraham Lincoln was an atheist, or at least had extreme doubts about Your existence, that Thomas Jefferson did not believe the Bible to be the inerrant word of, well, You and sliced and diced the Gospels to get rid of the miracle stories, that fourteen Presidents were Masons, four were Unitarians, George Washington was a deist who never took communion or became an official adult member of the Episcopalian church, and most modern Presidents, including Reagan, George W. Bush, and Obama, prefer to worship at The Church of The Blessed St. Mattress on Sunday mornings, who is your favorite President?

The one who replaces Obama in 2012.

Question #33: People would like to know you a little better. Do you celebrate Halloween? If so what did you go as?

Halloween covertly indoctrinates little children to be future Democrats. Trick or treat? First a little kid begs for candy. Next thing you know they are begging for government to take care of them. How about we start a new holiday for kids called Job Day. They can go door to door and ask owners, “Yard work and wages?”

Still, I went as a witch a few years ago, but everyone kept calling me Hillary. With the Twilight series and True Blood being extremely popular, I decided to go as the scariest thing I could think of, Barackula, but that was too scary for children. Maybe next year I will go as Obamastein’s monster. The costume would look a lot like his health care package. None of the parts would look good or work.

Question #34: Speaking of Obamacare. Isn’t it really a conservative version of the Republican health care plan from the 1990s? It is a lot of things, but socialist is not one of them.

No, the problem is nobody knows what is in it. The only thing we know for sure is that it is bad and Ted Kennedy was one of the authors. That means that somewhere, in the fine print of the bill, there is something about free boob jobs for Hooter’s waitresses.

What, that is not funny? Come on, after the Republicans take the White House back, I am thinking about taking some time off and doing some standup comedy.

What does Barack Obama call illegal immigrants? Unregistered Democrats.

Why did Barack Obama feel the need to apologize for America’s foreign policy? Jimmy Carter and Michael Moore had laryngitis.

What is the different between a car battery and Obamacare? A car battery has a positive side.

Funny, right? The guys on the Love America message boards love them.

Question #35: I am more of a love, peace and granola sort of guy. Why am I suddenly feeling tightness in my chest? Never mind. There was a sign at a recent anti-tea party rally that proclaimed, “Obama is not a brown skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free health care. You’re thinking of Jesus.” Your response?

First, what is the difference Obama and Simba? One is an African lion and the other a lying African. Still not funny? I am not an African. Okay, technically Israel is in Africa and most of the people there in the first century were dark skinned, but the same could be said about Michael Jackson and he is the whitest white guy ever.

Socialist, again, I said a lot of technically socialist things about sharing and love, but we did not have gays and Democrats back then. You know how you call a fat guy Slim, a bald guy Curly and how Little John in Robin Hood was actually tall? Well, the same can be applied to some of my sayings. It was kind of like the Marx brothers when they pretended to be aristocrats. John, Peter and I were almost rolling on the floor when we were talking about treasure in heaven for the generous few. Who knew liberals would read that stuff and take it seriously?

Finally, I would never put a government bureaucrat between a sick person and their doctor. That role belongs to a private sector bureaucrat who gets bonuses for saving the company money.

What is the difference between Obama and me? I don’t think I am Obama. Nothing?

Question #36: The HPV vaccine? You know the cervical cancer vaccine that your followers are opposed to because it allows young girls to have sex without death. I guess I look at it like smoking. Young people think they are invincible. No young woman thinks, “I was going to have sex, but I could get cervical cancer, so thanks for that vaccine. Now, I can have sex with the entire football team. Are you for it or against it?

I am of mixed opinion on the matter. It is a conflict of Christian ideals. On one hand, there is the very Baptist notion of terrifying young girls into being good, and on the other, there is all the big pharma money to be made and given out in campaign contributions. Rick Perry cannot be bought for just $5,000, but add a couple of golf outings, a few million under the tables to some PACs, and jobs for his staff when they leave government, and Perry is putting on his hooker high heels.

You know, if Pontius Pilatus would have thrown a few doughnuts my way, I might have worn an “I heart Rome” t-shirt.

Question #37: We are living in the time of the cult of the child. What is the most important lesson you learned from your human father, Joseph?

Dad was a carpenter. So, I can put together a pretty good cabinet. Something Barack Obama cannot do. Rim shot!

Question #38: The Ground Zero mosque, it is neither on Ground Zero or a mosque, rather “Park 51” a cultural center, a place of prayer and tolerance. Why are you so against it?

Those Muslims were just insensitive. Lower Manhattan is sacred. What is more sacred and holy than the shaker watering hole, New York Dolls Gentlemen’s Club, and other bars where people get hammered out of their skulls, high-end brothels, and Howard Stern’s voice wafting out of every taxicab? Makes you almost want to take off your shoes to walk on that ground, except for the chance of stepping on a stray needle left behind by an HIV infected junkie.

Question #39: Barbra Walters famously asked if you were a tree, what kind of… tree… would… oh… I forgot… My bad… Sorry for bringing up bad memories, the whole crucifixion thing and all that. Having… trouble… talking…

Any eating M&M jokes? I think the question you wanted to ask is, “Why doesn’t Barack Obama pray to me?” It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed! I slay myself. When you see your great-grandfather say hi for me.

Question #40: He… is… dead. Oh? Anything… you want… to… plug?

Yes, I am front and center on the next Toby Keith CD. Also, I am front and center at the next GOP convention. I’ll be back in a few weeks. Trevor might not. Tea Party Jesus, peace, out.