Shotgun Jesus “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, Send these, the homeless, tempest tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door.” - inscription on the Statue of Liberty   What a bunch of liberal claptrap. Give us your tired? What are we supposed to do provide them with beds? Your poor? More lazy bodies clogging up the welfare roles and voting for the Democrats. Your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free? Free to be terrorists is more like it. The wretched refuse and the homeless? Forget about it. That is why we have so many walls and fences in this country, to keep people like that under bridges and in cardboard boxes where they belong. All the Statue of Liberty is doing is encouraging those kind of people to come here. Sometimes you need to turn off the light to save on the power bills.   This is Donald Trump’s America. There are only two kinds of people that should be immigrating here, English talk show hosts and eastern European supermodels. No one else! And they better speak American, well, if the supermodel is hot enough, we might be willing to overlook that, might is the operative word.   Let’s be honest, the Statue of Liberty is a pretty ugly chick with an awful fashion sense, a solid 5, maybe a 6 on a good day. That dress does nothing to make some young red-blooded American male want to grab her by the mommy parts. The dress  just hangs there. Flat chested, where are hips and curves? The tramp stamp? No pouty lips or come hither look saying, “Sugar daddy, I love you and not just for your big gut, receding hairline, or large bank account.”     No, I wouldn’t be surprised that if we scrubbed away some of that grime, she would have hairy armpits. She was a gift from the French after all. And other than white surrender flags and the occasional bottle of wine, what good thing have those snotty frog leg eating, Pepé Le Pew smelling, mime loving miscreants given the world?       If we did not learn anything from the last presidential election, it is that Americans don’t want a woman representing us in anything unless the words “wet t-shirt” or “Hawaiian Tropic” are in the titles. I know, I know, but her emails. Better to elect a future sexually assaulting future munchkin hand model than the most qualified person to run for president since James Madison.   America is a boy’s clubhouse, a Mar-a-lago if you will, and no girls need apply unless they are there to serve sandwiches, make the beds or occasionally show up for a photo op with some foreign leader. Allow one woman to represent America, like the Statue of Liberty, and the next thing you know women will start thinking they are measured by their brain and hard work and not how they look in short shorts. We need to ask ourselves as a people, if the Statue of Liberty was changing clothes would our president want to walk in on her? I think not. And isn’t that what matters the most   It is time that we tear that grand old dame down like the dignity of women who work at Fox News and replace her with something that symbolizes America’s greatness like truck nuts, the Kardashians, black velvet Elvis paintings, or snuggies made in China.     I propose we level that babe holding a torch and replace her with a giant Shotgun Jesus. Hear me out. Name something Americans love more than Jesus. Well, not the gospels Jesus. He yammers on too much about caring for the poor and loving your enemies. He talked about visiting those in prison, clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, and being kind to the strangers among us. His answer to health care reform would be, “What you do to the least of these, you do to me.” That guy is just one donation away from getting a tote bag and a double CD of the Three Tenors from PBS.  The problem with that Jesus is the only reason he would not bake a cake for a gay wedding is he would not want the couple getting Type-2 diabetes.   Plus, don’t tell anyone this.  The guy was Middle Eastern, not white with blue eyes. He looked closer, skin color wise, towards Malcolm X than Jim Gaffigan. Let’s be honest, the real Jesus would be a lot less popular if white people had to wake up to a portrait of someone looking like Malcolm X!   In spite of these character flaws, we love us some Jesus. It is why we are a Christian nation. The only thing we love more than Jesus are guns. There is no problem that cannot be solved with a gun or more guns.  Granted, the only thing that seemingly kills more innocent people than guns is a good Republican health care plan. Still, happiness truly is a warm gun because it means we have shot some lowlife or at least the ten-year-old neighbor boy.       So, why not combine the two things Americans love the most, Jesus and guns? Just imagine a giant Jesus, made of American steel of course, menacingly pointing a giant shotgun. It is the embodiment of everything that makes America great. You can almost hear the Star Spangled Banner playing, imagine the flags flapping in the breeze, and the smell of hot dogs in the air.  It would be the perfect monument to American freedom if somehow Jesus could be sipping a nice cold beer, maybe one of those helmets with the two beers in holds with flexible plastic tubing draping down to his lips, but I know that might be a bit too much for the politically correct crowd to handle.  It is not like anything bad has ever happened when alcohol is liberally mixed with firearms.   We could put this giant gentrified Jesus, possibly with Clint Eastwood-like snarl, on a turret, a huge lazy Susan, so that we could rotate the statue so that Jesus’ shotgun is pointing towards whatever country of brown people we are dropping bombs on or are about to drop bombs on. North Korea, Shotgun Jesus now has both barrels pointing at you. Syria, Shotgun Jesus is putting you on notice. Mexico, you’re going to pay for that wall? Say hello to our friend Shotgun Jesus.  Bolivia, if we could figure out where the heck you are at on a map, you are put on notice too.   Mr. President, tear down that copper maiden and build us a Shotgun Jesus! This is America. It is what we want.
Shotgun Jesus “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, Send these, the homeless, tempest tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door.” - inscription on the Statue of Liberty   What a bunch of liberal claptrap. Give us your tired? What are we supposed to do provide them with beds? Your poor? More lazy bodies clogging up the welfare roles and voting for the Democrats. Your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free? Free to be terrorists is more like it. The wretched refuse and the homeless? Forget about it. That is why we have so many walls and fences in this country, to keep people like that under bridges and in cardboard boxes where they belong. All the Statue of Liberty is doing is encouraging those kind of people to come here. Sometimes you need to turn off the light to save on the power bills.   This is Donald Trump’s America. There are only two kinds of people that should be immigrating here, English talk show hosts and eastern European supermodels. No one else! And they better speak American, well, if the supermodel is hot enough, we might be willing to overlook that, might is the operative word.   Let’s be honest, the Statue of Liberty is a pretty ugly chick with an awful fashion sense, a solid 5, maybe a 6 on a good day. That dress does nothing to make some young red-blooded American male want to grab her by the mommy parts. The dress  just hangs there. Flat chested, where are hips and curves? The tramp stamp? No pouty lips or come hither look saying, “Sugar daddy, I love you and not just for your big gut, receding hairline, or large bank account.”     No, I wouldn’t be surprised that if we scrubbed away some of that grime, she would have hairy armpits. She was a gift from the French after all. And other than white surrender flags and the occasional bottle of wine, what good thing have those snotty frog leg eating, Pepé Le Pew smelling, mime loving miscreants given the world?       If we did not learn anything from the last presidential election, it is that Americans don’t want a woman representing us in anything unless the words “wet t-shirt” or “Hawaiian Tropic” are in the titles. I know, I know, but her emails. Better to elect a future sexually assaulting future munchkin hand model than the most qualified person to run for president since James Madison.   America is a boy’s clubhouse, a Mar-a-lago if you will, and no girls need apply unless they are there to serve sandwiches, make the beds or occasionally show up for a photo op with some foreign leader. Allow one woman to represent America, like the Statue of Liberty, and the next thing you know women will start thinking they are measured by their brain and hard work and not how they look in short shorts. We need to ask ourselves as a people, if the Statue of Liberty was changing clothes would our president want to walk in on her? I think not. And isn’t that what matters the most   It is time that we tear that grand old dame down like the dignity of women who work at Fox News and replace her with something that symbolizes America’s greatness like truck nuts, the Kardashians, black velvet Elvis paintings, or snuggies made in China.     I propose we level that babe holding a torch and replace her with a giant Shotgun Jesus. Hear me out. Name something Americans love more than Jesus. Well, not the gospels Jesus. He yammers on too much about caring for the poor and loving your enemies. He talked about visiting those in prison, clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, and being kind to the strangers among us. His answer to health care reform would be, “What you do to the least of these, you do to me.” That guy is just one donation away from getting a tote bag and a double CD of the Three Tenors from PBS.  The problem with that Jesus is the only reason he would not bake a cake for a gay wedding is he would not want the couple getting Type-2 diabetes.   Plus, don’t tell anyone this.  The guy was Middle Eastern, not white with blue eyes. He looked closer, skin color wise, towards Malcolm X than Jim Gaffigan. Let’s be honest, the real Jesus would be a lot less popular if white people had to wake up to a portrait of someone looking like Malcolm X!   In spite of these character flaws, we love us some Jesus. It is why we are a Christian nation. The only thing we love more than Jesus are guns. There is no problem that cannot be solved with a gun or more guns.  Granted, the only thing that seemingly kills more innocent people than guns is a good Republican health care plan. Still, happiness truly is a warm gun because it means we have shot some lowlife or at least the ten-year-old neighbor boy.       So, why not combine the two things Americans love the most, Jesus and guns? Just imagine a giant Jesus, made of American steel of course, menacingly pointing a giant shotgun. It is the embodiment of everything that makes America great. You can almost hear the Star Spangled Banner playing, imagine the flags flapping in the breeze, and the smell of hot dogs in the air.  It would be the perfect monument to American freedom if somehow Jesus could be sipping a nice cold beer, maybe one of those helmets with the two beers in holds with flexible plastic tubing draping down to his lips, but I know that might be a bit too much for the politically correct crowd to handle.  It is not like anything bad has ever happened when alcohol is liberally mixed with firearms.   We could put this giant gentrified Jesus, possibly with Clint Eastwood-like snarl, on a turret, a huge lazy Susan, so that we could rotate the statue so that Jesus’ shotgun is pointing towards whatever country of brown people we are dropping bombs on or are about to drop bombs on. North Korea, Shotgun Jesus now has both barrels pointing at you. Syria, Shotgun Jesus is putting you on notice. Mexico, you’re going to pay for that wall? Say hello to our friend Shotgun Jesus.  Bolivia, if we could figure out where the heck you are at on a map, you are put on notice too.   Mr. President, tear down that copper maiden and build us a Shotgun Jesus! This is America. It is what we want.