Where Have You Gone, Richard Nixon? Our Rigged Election   It is time to be honest. Donald J. Trump is right. The election is rigged against him. So, I am here to name names.   Massive voter fraud? This is not Chicago with Mayor Richard Daley’s henchmen recording the names off of gravestones to help John Kennedy win the presidency in 1960. It is not the rural 1948 Rio Grande Valley of Texas where election officials discovered a “mysterious” box containing previously uncounted ballots giving future President Lyndon Johnson a narrow victory in his first race for the Senate over Coke Stevenson. It is not even little Plains, Georgia where a young Jimmy Carter had to go to court after his first state senate race to fight a law that allowed the dead to vote. The old style political bosses with their thousands of votes in their back pockets are gone. Even Florida in 2000, with its butterfly ballots, hanging chads, and thousands purged from the voters rolls, merely showed human error and that our elections are often more of an art than a science rather than deliberate election fraud.   As much as Republicans feel the need to check under their beds for ACORN representatives registering African-Americans to vote. Republicans may run in terror into the night at the thought of two disheveled looking Black Panthers standing in front of a polling place. Actual willful fraud is rare and almost nonexistent. There is just too much to lose if you get caught. The FBI has stated that a majority of their investigations into voter fraud are would-be conservative Michael Moores trying to perpetrate voter fraud to prove that voter fraud exists. The United States of America is the gold standard of electoral integrity.   The liberal mainstream press or “lame stream” press as Sarah Palin would call it? To say the press has been unfair to Donald Trump is like claiming The Make A Wish Foundation is unfair to the kids they grant wishes to. Trump became the Republican nominee because of the press’s love of celebrity, controversy, and spectacle. While other candidates had to build advertising war chests, he got billions of dollars of free advertising. His empty podium got more free airtime from the cable news networks than the living, breathing Jeb Bush did. There was one Sunday he appeared via the phone on all three of the Sunday morning shows. He could have been getting a prostrate exam while talking to them and nobody would have cared.  We live in a star culture, even if that celebrity looks like he has been in a Cheetos dust explosion and has a Furby on his head.   The media is not biased if they report on what Donald Trump says or some insane Twitter rant he goes off on. That is their job. If they report that the safest time for American women not to be groped is 3 a.m. because your tiny little fingers are busy punching the keys of your cell phone instead of trying to find new and improved ways to get under women’s dresses or down their blouses, then they might be biased.  A veterinarian is not biased because he or she calls your pet dog a canine and neither is the press for not protecting Donald Trump from Donald Trump. Like a drunk best man giving a toast at a wedding, I think he has been doing a good enough job all on his own making a fool of himself, the press has not needed to help.   The Clinton machine? Trump claims voters are being poisoned by the Clinton Machine’s dirty tricks out to smear his good name. We live in a society where a congressional candidate once won because he attacked his opponent’s sister as being a renowned thespian. There is a reason terms like “Watergate,” “swift boating” and “October surprise” have become a part of our everyday vocabulary. Men like Lee Atwater, Dick Morris, Roger Ailes, and Karl Rove made their bones perfecting dirty tricks. Hillary Clinton, herself, has been smeared so often she could be mistaken for a Jackson Pollock painting.  If you turn over the rock of almost any political machine, the unseemly creatures that scurry out would terrify the cast of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Trump has two of the best sorcerers of the dark arts in Roder Ailes and Steve Bannon whispering in his ear.    Trump, himself, was the leading force behind the birther movement, a smear that sought to delegitimize Barack Obama’s entire presidency, even though we have more proof of Obama’s birth in America than Ronald Reagan’s. Do you remember that he had sent investigators down to Hawaii, who had uncovered all sorts of amazing information, and any day he was going to spill the beans?  I guess those investigators got lost in the Bermuda Triangle or were killed when pineapples fell on their heads. Still, the smear still had the desired effect among Republican voters.   He even demanded the president release his Harvard Law School transcripts, in an effort to try to sully the president’s intelligence. Donald Trump might know all the best words, but Obama, who became the president of Harvard Law Review, showed he knows how to use them.  Even Trump’s “I’m not saying, but people are talking” rhetoric has been a Pandora’s box of conspiracy theories and slanders.   (By the way, if Trump truly had respect for women, he would not let that human monster, Roger Ailes, within a hundred yards of him.  Ailes, makes a person want to spray their television screen with Lysol every time he appears on it. The former head of Fox News threatened numerous female employees’ careers unless they slept with him. He invented the use of the glass coffee table and the low angle camera shot to show off his female newscasters’ legs for the delight of his older white male audience. This is the kind of man, if you truly respect women, you hit with a rolled up newspaper, not make one of your main advisors.)    John Kerry did not claim the election was rigged when his Vietnam War record was besmirched. John McCain in 1980 did not hold a press conference to announce that he was not going to honor the South Carolina primary because bad old George W. Bush’s minions unfairly used his adopted daughter’s skin color to manipulate aging, racist southerners. Bob Dole did not claim the 1996 election was invalid because of untrue whispers regarding his running mate’s sexuality.    Richard Nixon, who legitimately lost a rigged election in 1960, where the dead voted in Chicago.  The mafia and Kennedy foot soldiers in states like Texas and West Virginia, thanks to suitcases full of cash from the Kennedy patriarch, bought votes and stuffed ballot boxes. Even Nixon took the highroad! Nixon, who never met a smear or a falsehood he did not like, was urged by fellow Republicans to call into question the legitimacy of the election, if only to cripple the impending Kennedy presidency.  Nixon understood that such charges would cause a “Constitutional crisis” and tear the nation apart. I never thought there would be a day when I would miss the dignity and morality of Richard Nixon. That should make the entire nation want to take a collective shower.       A cabal of international bankers? If you listen closely you can hear the dog whistle to his racist supporters of “the Jews, the Jews.” It is a racist conspiracy softball right down the heart of the plate.  Aren’t these the people Trump worked with to build his hugely successful business? They must know that he is a winner. Don’t they want a roaring U.S. economy so we can payback all the loans we have taken out? Bankers usually like success because it means growth and expansion, and more loans.  But then again, maybe they do know about Donald Trump, his bad business practices, and bankruptcies.     No, no, the person who rigged the presidential election against Donald J. Trump is Donald J. Trump. He has been a terrorist of stupidity. Every time you think he cannot say or do anything dumber, he opens up his shirt to reveal a verbal suicide vest of ignorance and blows himself up. He has been like Cleavon Little in Blazing Saddles  putting a gun to his head, telling everyone not to move or he is going to blow his brains all over town.   A female newscaster asks a tough question. “Donald, put down the cell phone. Are you typing “bimbo” and “blood?” Don’t push send! Don’t push send! Oh, the humanity.”   Trump is angry with a handicapped reporter. “Donald, your friends are here. Please, Please, don’t mimic his palsy. People with special needs children are not going to like this. Don’t raise your arms! Don’t raise your arms!” BOOM!!! “Oh God, I’m going to be sick.”   A gold star parent speaks at the Democratic National Convention. “Donald, look at me, Donald. They are grieving parents of a hero. Don’t attack them. Put the pin back in that Twitter hand grenade. NNNNOOOOO!!!”   He has done this not once, not twice, but hundreds of times. He has done it so often you forget what stupid thing he has said and what he hasn’t. Everything blends together. The Republican Party did not need a convention this year. They needed an intervention. “Hi, I’m John, and I am a Trump supporter. He said he was going to build a wall and make Mexico pay for it, and it kind of made sense in that mainlining heroin at 3 in the morning kind of way. Next thing I know I am wearing a “Make America Great Again” cap made in China and looking forward to him throwing Hillary Clinton in jail just like Vladimir Putin would do. I actually had dreams of Putin and Trump riding horses shirtless together on the White House lawn. I hit rock bottom when my children found me in the fetal position watching Fox News nodding in agreement that the election was rigged against him.”  Donald Trump’s assertion that the election is fixed is an attack on our democracy. It taints the generosity of the thousands of volunteers that working our polling places, the local and state officials that oversee the process (mostly Republicans), and delegitimizes almost every public official from the office of mayor to the Oval Office. Mostly, and I need a bathe in a tub full of bleach after saying this, it makes me long for Richard Nixon.
Where Have You Gone, Richard Nixon? Our Rigged Election   It is time to be honest. Donald J. Trump is right. The election is rigged against him. So, I am here to name names.   Massive voter fraud? This is not Chicago with Mayor Richard Daley’s henchmen recording the names off of gravestones to help John Kennedy win the presidency in 1960. It is not the rural 1948 Rio Grande Valley of Texas where election officials discovered a “mysterious” box containing previously uncounted ballots giving future President Lyndon Johnson a narrow victory in his first race for the Senate over Coke Stevenson. It is not even little Plains, Georgia where a young Jimmy Carter had to go to court after his first state senate race to fight a law that allowed the dead to vote. The old style political bosses with their thousands of votes in their back pockets are gone. Even Florida in 2000, with its butterfly ballots, hanging chads, and thousands purged from the voters rolls, merely showed human error and that our elections are often more of an art than a science rather than deliberate election fraud.   As much as Republicans feel the need to check under their beds for ACORN representatives registering African-Americans to vote. Republicans may run in terror into the night at the thought of two disheveled looking Black Panthers standing in front of a polling place. Actual willful fraud is rare and almost nonexistent. There is just too much to lose if you get caught. The FBI has stated that a majority of their investigations into voter fraud are would-be conservative Michael Moores trying to perpetrate voter fraud to prove that voter fraud exists. The United States of America is the gold standard of electoral integrity.   The liberal mainstream press or “lame stream” press as Sarah Palin would call it? To say the press has been unfair to Donald Trump is like claiming The Make A Wish Foundation is unfair to the kids they grant wishes to. Trump became the Republican nominee because of the press’s love of celebrity, controversy, and spectacle. While other candidates had to build advertising war chests, he got billions of dollars of free advertising. His empty podium got more free airtime from the cable news networks than the living, breathing Jeb Bush did. There was one Sunday he appeared via the phone on all three of the Sunday morning shows. He could have been getting a prostrate exam while talking to them and nobody would have cared.  We live in a star culture, even if that celebrity looks like he has been in a Cheetos dust explosion and has a Furby on his head.   The media is not biased if they report on what Donald Trump says or some insane Twitter rant he goes off on. That is their job. If they report that the safest time for American women not to be groped is 3 a.m. because your tiny little fingers are busy punching the keys of your cell phone instead of trying to find new and improved ways to get under women’s dresses or down their blouses, then they might be biased.  A veterinarian is not biased because he or she calls your pet dog a canine and neither is the press for not protecting Donald Trump from Donald Trump. Like a drunk best man giving a toast at a wedding, I think he has been doing a good enough job all on his own making a fool of himself, the press has not needed to help.   The Clinton machine? Trump claims voters are being poisoned by the Clinton Machine’s dirty tricks out to smear his good name. We live in a society where a congressional candidate once won because he attacked his opponent’s sister as being a renowned thespian. There is a reason terms like “Watergate,” “swift boating” and “October surprise” have become a part of our everyday vocabulary. Men like Lee Atwater, Dick Morris, Roger Ailes, and Karl Rove made their bones perfecting dirty tricks. Hillary Clinton, herself, has been smeared so often she could be mistaken for a Jackson Pollock painting.  If you turn over the rock of almost any political machine, the unseemly creatures that scurry out would terrify the cast of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Trump has two of the best sorcerers of the dark arts in Roder Ailes and Steve Bannon whispering in his ear.    Trump, himself, was the leading force behind the birther movement, a smear that sought to delegitimize Barack Obama’s entire presidency, even though we have more proof of Obama’s birth in America than Ronald Reagan’s. Do you remember that he had sent investigators down to Hawaii, who had uncovered all sorts of amazing information, and any day he was going to spill the beans?  I guess those investigators got lost in the Bermuda Triangle or were killed when pineapples fell on their heads. Still, the smear still had the desired effect among Republican voters.   He even demanded the president release his Harvard Law School transcripts, in an effort to try to sully the president’s intelligence. Donald Trump might know all the best words, but Obama, who became the president of Harvard Law Review, showed he knows how to use them.  Even Trump’s “I’m not saying, but people are talking” rhetoric has been a Pandora’s box of conspiracy theories and slanders.   (By the way, if Trump truly had respect for women, he would not let that human monster, Roger Ailes, within a hundred yards of him.  Ailes, makes a person want to spray their television screen with Lysol every time he appears on it. The former head of Fox News threatened numerous female employees’ careers unless they slept with him. He invented the use of the glass coffee table and the low angle camera shot to show off his female newscasters’ legs for the delight of his older white male audience. This is the kind of man, if you truly respect women, you hit with a rolled up newspaper, not make one of your main advisors.)    John Kerry did not claim the election was rigged when his Vietnam War record was besmirched. John McCain in 1980 did not hold a press conference to announce that he was not going to honor the South Carolina primary because bad old George W. Bush’s minions unfairly used his adopted daughter’s skin color to manipulate aging, racist southerners. Bob Dole did not claim the 1996 election was invalid because of untrue whispers regarding his running mate’s sexuality.    Richard Nixon, who legitimately lost a rigged election in 1960, where the dead voted in Chicago.  The mafia and Kennedy foot soldiers in states like Texas and West Virginia, thanks to suitcases full of cash from the Kennedy patriarch, bought votes and stuffed ballot boxes. Even Nixon took the highroad! Nixon, who never met a smear or a falsehood he did not like, was urged by fellow Republicans to call into question the legitimacy of the election, if only to cripple the impending Kennedy presidency.  Nixon understood that such charges would cause a “Constitutional crisis” and tear the nation apart. I never thought there would be a day when I would miss the dignity and morality of Richard Nixon. That should make the entire nation want to take a collective shower.       A cabal of international bankers? If you listen closely you can hear the dog whistle to his racist supporters of “the Jews, the Jews.” It is a racist conspiracy softball right down the heart of the plate.  Aren’t these the people Trump worked with to build his hugely successful business? They must know that he is a winner. Don’t they want a roaring U.S. economy so we can payback all the loans we have taken out? Bankers usually like success because it means growth and expansion, and more loans.  But then again, maybe they do know about Donald Trump, his bad business practices, and bankruptcies.     No, no, the person who rigged the presidential election against Donald J. Trump is Donald J. Trump. He has been a terrorist of stupidity. Every time you think he cannot say or do anything dumber, he opens up his shirt to reveal a verbal suicide vest of ignorance and blows himself up. He has been like Cleavon Little in Blazing Saddles putting a gun to his head, telling everyone not to move or he is going to blow his brains all over town.   A female newscaster asks a tough question. “Donald, put down the cell phone. Are you typing “bimbo” and “blood?” Don’t push send! Don’t push send! Oh, the humanity.”   Trump is angry with a handicapped reporter.  “Donald, your friends are here. Please, Please, don’t mimic his palsy. People with special needs children are not going to like this. Don’t raise your arms! Don’t raise your arms!” BOOM!!! “Oh God, I’m going to be sick.”   A gold star parent speaks at the Democratic National Convention. “Donald, look at me, Donald. They are grieving parents of a hero. Don’t attack them. Put the pin back in that Twitter hand grenade. NNNNOOOOO!!!”   He has done this not once, not twice, but hundreds of times. He has done it so often you forget what stupid thing he has said and what he hasn’t. Everything blends together. The Republican Party did not need a convention this year. They needed an intervention. “Hi, I’m John, and I am a Trump supporter. He said he was going to build a wall and make Mexico pay for it, and it kind of made sense in that mainlining heroin at 3 in the morning kind of way. Next thing I know I am wearing a “Make America Great Again” cap made in China and looking forward to him throwing Hillary Clinton in jail just like Vladimir Putin would do. I actually had dreams of Putin and Trump riding horses shirtless together on the White House lawn. I hit rock bottom when my children found me in the fetal position watching Fox News nodding in agreement that the election was rigged against him.”  Donald Trump’s assertion that the election is fixed is an attack on our democracy. It taints the generosity of the thousands of volunteers that working our polling places, the local and state officials that oversee the process (mostly Republicans), and delegitimizes almost every public official from the office of mayor to the Oval Office. Mostly, and I need a bathe in a tub full of bleach after saying this, it makes me long for Richard Nixon.