White Males Boycotting the NFL? Women of America Rejoice It seems that middle-aged white males want to boycott the NFL, NBA, and MLB, because a few African-American athletes are kneeling during The National Anthem while they, themselves, are brushing Cheetos dust off their chests as they sit on the couch balancing a beer can on their bellies waiting for the game to start. A giant “hip, hip, hooray” could be heard in beauty parlors, church basements, and Bed, Baths and Beyonds across this nation. Donald Trump might have actually made America great for the first ever. No more, “I’m listening. Can you move out of the way of the TV?” No more, “Can we talk about this later? This game is important!” No more, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get to it later.  I promise. It is the 4th quarter. Just a few more minutes until the game ends.” No more chicken wing barbeque sauce stains on the couch cushions. No more, “I have asked you a thousand times…” Churches might actually be filled on Sunday morning. Pastors will not have to suffer through their male parishioners checking their watches because kickoff is less than 20 minutes away as he or she drones on about Jesus. No more fears of auto accidents as dad breaks a few traffic laws to get home on time.  They can take the long, leisurely way home. American families will be able to get at the table like normal people. Children will be able to see that their fathers can actually use their legs on Monday nights and Sundays. Kids will not pick up new creative curse words that dad accidently bellows out when his team’s quarterback throws an interception. Men will not be on the computer checking on their fantasy team all the time during work and at home. Cancer might get cured, Parkinson’s banished, and the environment healed with all that extra brain space available for use that men had reserved for sports trivia, statistics, and starting line ups. Jay Cutler will be able to walk through major cities in America without fear of reprisal or jokes at his expense. Satan will not have to constantly tell people that they might be mistaking him for Bill Belichick. White people can now cross to the other side of the street when they see a black man approaching in front of them without worrying that they might have just insulted their heroes, LeBron James or Steph Curry. Tom Brady will go back to dating sixes or sevens like the universe intended. Twenty-four hour coverage will not be given to reporters camped out in Brett Favre’s front yard because some Internet troll has speculated that he might come out of retirement again. LaVar Ball will still be a jerk.  He is LaVar Ball after all. Money that went to new jerseys, signed balls, and tickets, that cost so much people need a cosigner to purchase, could now go to scented candles, potpourri, throw rugs, and whatever pillow shams are. Light bulbs will not remain burned out for weeks on end. Dads will be able to change them right away. Entryways will get the fresh coats of paint they have needed for months.  Kitchen drawers and doors will finally get fixed. Ladders, long neglected, will finally get used for overdue gutter cleanings.   Middle age white males might suddenly take up an interest in watching soccer. Okay, if this happened, this is where Alex Jones would start spouting theories about how this boycott is really a Democratic Party and feminist conspiracy to turn America into a bunch of European wussies. First you start watching soccer, the next thing you know women are not shaving their armpits, we are pontificating on the genius of Jerry Lewis, waving white flags, and wanting free health care, and Bernie Sanders is president. It is a slippery slope. Feelings. What if men suddenly start to develop some. America might truly be great again. As much as I would love for doughy middle-aged white guys to boycott sports, it is not going to happen. I am not saying some of these blowhards believe what they are saying, but there are flies whose lives would last longer  Day 1:  Wife: “Honey, since you now have all this free time, I made you up a “honey do” list. Husband: “Wonderful, I have been meaning to fix some things around the house. (Wife hands him list.) Husband: “Wow, this is kind of long. I must have really let things slide.” Day 2: Wife: Since you are not using the big screen, can I watch my shows? Where are you going?” Husband: “I thought you said you wanted to watch TV?” Wife: “I thought we could watch it together. May I have the remote, please?” Husband: “What godforsaken channel is this? I’ve never seen it before.” Wife: “It is WE TV, Women’s Entertainment, and this is the Hallmark Channel. Later I will introduce you to PBS and their wonderful British class dramas. You are going to love Dame Judy Dench.  There is a movie I have been dying to see about a spunky dressmaker who finds a man who supports and believes in her. It is on.” Husband: “Why is that horse talking?Wife: “That is Sarah Jessica Parker, silly. She is the dressmaker. Mario Cantone, plays her gay best friend. Poor Gerard Butler just cannot find a good woman until he meets Sarah. He is a millionaire who is supposed to foreclose on her shop, but she mistakenly thinks that he is applying to be the new delivery boy when he walks in.” Husband: “Why does it feel like my body is producing estrogen and my nipples are starting to lactate?” Wife: “You are going to love it. After that, we can watch Cake Boss and Bridal Wars. That Kathy Bates as Gerard Butler’s mother-in-law is a real hoot, isn’t she?”  Day 3: Wife: “I thought you might like to go the mall with me to watch me try on dresses. You can hold my purse. What are you texting on your phone?” Husband: “I just asked our neighbor, Jim, to get out his high powered rifle and shoot me.” Wife: “What?” Husband: “Nothing. I’ll get my coat.” Day 4: Wife: “I thought we could spend the day talking about our feelings. Maybe I could talk about my relationship with my mother for a few hours and then we could move on to every mistake you have made in the course of our marriage. This could go late into the night. Maybe we could cuddle the whole time, especially when I cry. Why are you kneeling?” Husband: “Sorry, honey, I had a change of heart over the last few days. I now support Colin Kaepernick. How the police mistreat African- American males is a crime. Do you mind getting out of the way of the TV? The game is about to start.”
White Males Boycotting the NFL? Women of America Rejoice It seems that middle-aged white males want to boycott the NFL, NBA, and MLB, because a few African-American athletes are kneeling during The National Anthem while they, themselves, are brushing Cheetos dust off their chests as they sit on the couch balancing a beer can on their bellies waiting for the game to start. A giant “hip, hip, hooray” could be heard in beauty parlors, church basements, and Bed, Baths and Beyonds across this nation. Donald Trump might have actually made America great for the first ever. No more, “I’m listening. Can you move out of the way of the TV?” No more, “Can we talk about this later? This game is important!” No more, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get to it later.  I promise. It is the 4th quarter. Just a few more minutes until the game ends.” No more chicken wing barbeque sauce stains on the couch cushions. No more, “I have asked you a thousand times…” Churches might actually be filled on Sunday morning. Pastors will not have to suffer through their male parishioners checking their watches because kickoff is less than 20 minutes away as he or she drones on about Jesus. No more fears of auto accidents as dad breaks a few traffic laws to get home on time.  They can take the long, leisurely way home. American families will be able to get at the table like normal people. Children will be able to see that their fathers can actually use their legs on Monday nights and Sundays. Kids will not pick up new creative curse words that dad accidently bellows out when his team’s quarterback throws an interception. Men will not be on the computer checking on their fantasy team all the time during work and at home. Cancer might get cured, Parkinson’s banished, and the environment healed with all that extra brain space available for use that men had reserved for sports trivia, statistics, and starting line ups. Jay Cutler will be able to walk through major cities in America without fear of reprisal or jokes at his expense. Satan will not have to constantly tell people that they might be mistaking him for Bill Belichick. White people can now cross to the other side of the street when they see a black man approaching in front of them without worrying that they might have just insulted their heroes, LeBron James or Steph Curry. Tom Brady will go back to dating sixes or sevens like the universe intended. Twenty-four hour coverage will not be given to reporters camped out in Brett Favre’s front yard because some Internet troll has speculated that he might come out of retirement again. LaVar Ball will still be a jerk.  He is LaVar Ball after all. Money that went to new jerseys, signed balls, and tickets, that cost so much people need a cosigner to purchase, could now go to scented candles, potpourri, throw rugs, and whatever pillow shams are. Light bulbs will not remain burned out for weeks on end. Dads will be able to change them right away. Entryways will get the fresh coats of paint they have needed for months.  Kitchen drawers and doors will finally get fixed. Ladders, long neglected, will finally get used for overdue gutter cleanings.   Middle age white males might suddenly take up an interest in watching soccer. Okay, if this happened, this is where Alex Jones would start spouting theories about how this boycott is really a Democratic Party and feminist conspiracy to turn America into a bunch of European wussies. First you start watching soccer, the next thing you know women are not shaving their armpits, we are pontificating on the genius of Jerry Lewis, waving white flags, and wanting free health care, and Bernie Sanders is president. It is a slippery slope. Feelings. What if men suddenly start to develop some. America might truly be great again. As much as I would love for doughy middle-aged white guys to boycott sports, it is not going to happen. I am not saying some of these blowhards believe what they are saying, but there are flies whose lives would last longer  Day 1:  Wife: “Honey, since you now have all this free time, I made you up a “honey do” list. Husband: “Wonderful, I have been meaning to fix some things around the house. (Wife hands him list.) Husband: “Wow, this is kind of long. I must have really let things slide.” Day 2: Wife: Since you are not using the big screen, can I watch my shows? Where are you going?” Husband: “I thought you said you wanted to watch TV?” Wife: “I thought we could watch it together. May I have the remote, please?” Husband: “What godforsaken channel is this? I’ve never seen it before.” Wife: “It is WE TV, Women’s Entertainment, and this is the Hallmark Channel. Later I will introduce you to PBS and their wonderful British class dramas. You are going to love Dame Judy Dench.  There is a movie I have been dying to see about a spunky dressmaker who finds a man who supports and believes in her. It is on.” Husband: “Why is that horse talking?Wife: “That is Sarah Jessica Parker, silly. She is the dressmaker. Mario Cantone, plays her gay best friend. Poor Gerard Butler just cannot find a good woman until he meets Sarah. He is a millionaire who is supposed to foreclose on her shop, but she mistakenly thinks that he is applying to be the new delivery boy when he walks in.” Husband: “Why does it feel like my body is producing estrogen and my nipples are starting to lactate?” Wife: “You are going to love it. After that, we can watch Cake Boss and Bridal Wars. That Kathy Bates as Gerard Butler’s mother-in-law is a real hoot, isn’t she?”  Day 3: Wife: “I thought you might like to go the mall with me to watch me try on dresses. You can hold my purse. What are you texting on your phone?” Husband: “I just asked our neighbor, Jim, to get out his high powered rifle and shoot me.” Wife: “What?” Husband: “Nothing. I’ll get my coat.” Day 4: Wife: “I thought we could spend the day talking about our feelings. Maybe I could talk about my relationship with my mother for a few hours and then we could move on to every mistake you have made in the course of our marriage. This could go late into the night. Maybe we could cuddle the whole time, especially when I cry. Why are you kneeling?” Husband: “Sorry, honey, I had a change of heart over the last few days. I now support Colin Kaepernick. How the police mistreat African-American males is a crime. Do you mind getting out of the way of the TV? The game is about to start.”